Well that sucks

Looks like I'm having my first anovulatory month since I started charting. What's the deal with that? This is the worst time. I'm emotional about not having my baby for Christmas like I planned, I'm surrounded by pregnant people and I'm not pregnant. On top of all of that I have to deal with cycle where I didn't ovulate? What the hell? Either that or my thermometer is psycho, but the odds of that are pretty low considering it's always been on track before and the batteries aren't low. So why now? Why this cycle? What is going on that I've charted for about a year and now I get no ovulation? I had 2 positive OPKs and then my temps went wacky. Check it out: My Ovulation Chart What do you think?

Fingers Crossed

Well I'm now officially in the 2WW. It seems I probably O'd yesterday. I had a huge temp drop yesterday and a spike today. I mean my temp was like 96.9 which is very low for me, I tend to run really hot. Then today it was 98.4. So yea, that seems like an O to me. So 1dpo it looks like. Keep your fingers crossed for me for a Christmas BFP and not a Christmas AF. I'm not so sure I can handle more BFNs. Christmas is hard enough. I should be bringing a baby to all of the celebrations, I should be making holiday cards with our baby and I should be getting sweet little gifts for a baby. Instead I'm sad, tired and frustrated with our newest TTC. Seriously 5 months??? What happened to our one month and three month tries? Why is it taking longer?

BFN

I hate those stark white pee sticks with only one pink line. I HATE THEM. I felt like we did everything right this month. Lots of BD on the right days and still a BFN. I just want to be pregnant. I'm really starting to get down about this as people that had a loss around the same time I did are now pregnant and almost due. It just seems so unfair. Or people are pregnant with babies that would be about as far along as I would have been with my second loss. It all just sucks. So anyway I'm CD7 now. I saw a new OB/GYN last week. She basically told me to relax. She said she would start testing for infertility if I wanted and do all of the testing you have to do before going to an RE, but I knew it probably wasn't the right thing quite yet. I'm clearly NOT infertile as I've been pregnant twice in the last year. So I guess I'll take her advice and try to relax. It's so much easier said than done. She even suggested I throw away the thermometer and just use OPKs instead. She said she thinks temping can cause more stress than it helps. Have I thrown my thermometer away? Of course not. I'm trying to control an impossible situation and do not want to give up even one piece of control that I might have. Relax? Yeah right.....

Hmmm...

Well Another positive OPK. This isn't looking good. CD 15 is the latest O has occurred according to my fertility friend cycle statistics. So if it doesn't happen today then I'm really off in terms of when I ovulate and my luteal phase. My temp was 97.9 today and 97.6 yesterday so not even enough of a jump to assume that O occurred yesterday. So hopefully today is O day and tomorrow is 1DPO with a clear temp rise. I hate to say this, but I'm tired of feeling forced to BD you know? So I guess we should probably BD again tonight and probably tomorrow just to make sure. I was hoping we were off the hook after last night. Although this all may be in vain anyway because 4 days of OPK is not a great sign. I checked a few sites and it sounds like your body prepares to O and then something happens and it doesn't so it just keeps trying. Out of the months I've been using OPK (maybe 6 months?) I've never had this happen before. I usually get one or two clear positives and then a negative. Oh well nothing I can do except keep BDing.

oh and.....

Oops. I have more to say today! So I just wanted to say that next time I post I would like to write a letter to Bear. My counselor suggested talking/writing to him and seeing how it feels. I'm not going to do it today, but I'll save it for a time I feel more able to be emotionally vulnerable!

November

Well it's November. One year into my TTC journey. Two pregnancies and two losses later I want a baby more than ever. Technically at this point it's been 7 months of actively trying to conceive and about 5 months of actually being pregnant. It SUCKS. So let's all cross our fingers and hope this is the month! Here is this month's + OPK. I'm a bit concerned because everything I've read says one to two days of + are good any more can signal a problem. This is my third day of +OPK. Today is the darkest, but the others were dark too. It's hard to tell in the picture, but it is a +. The other two days of + were just about the same color as the control line while today's was a bit darker. So maybe today's OPK was the true positive? Who knows. Lots and lots of BD this month so at least the chances are just as good as any other month. Here is a link to my chart in case you like to chart stalk: My Ovulation Chart

Disappointed

Yep, I've been absent for a while haven't I? I've been seeing a counselor and I think that takes away some of my urge to blog. I mull over my problems with her. She's doing a great job helping me reframe things, but I'm still pretty much in the same place emotionally. No big breakthroughs or anything. This month sucks. So here we are. Month 2 of TTC for the 3rd time. It is probably not going to happen this month. Poor J has been very sick. It's so hard for me to reconcile the fact that it's okay that he's sick and I feel bad for him, with the fact that it screws up our chance at TTC this month. I'm not at all mad at him, although I think he has a hard time understanding that. I'm just disappointed in the process. It sucks. Five days give or take per month that it's possible to get pregnant (in terms of how long sperm lives, etc..., we all know technically there is only one day the egg is released, but you know what I mean right?)? So if someone is sick for those 5 days you are pretty much out for the month and have to wait a cycle. There is a slim, slim chance because I did talk him into BD one day when he was feeling a tiny bit better. But then I felt like a raper almost. I know that sounds awful, but he wasn't into it and you know he was just doing it for me. It made me feel awful.....but I did it anyway. Does that make me a horrible person? I wanted this month not to be an entire waste. I needed to say we at least tried. It makes me feel better. I'm so obsessive aren't I? I think I'm 1dpo today. So 10-12ish days of waiting and then on to another cycle most likely. I'm not to keen on getting my BFP next month, but there's no way I'm sitting it out. November is when we got pregnant with Bear and our due dates and milestones would be similar. I'm not sure how I would deal with that.

Crash

This is one of those things that I think only people who have lost a baby can get. I mean maybe you say you get it, or can at least sort of see what I'm feeling, but I think it might be hard to understand. So if you haven't lost a baby please read this with only compassion in your heart :-)! So anyway. My best friend had a baby today. I have known her C-section was booked for today. I've talked to her about it and I was prepared for the baby to get here. Yes I'm 100% excited and happy for them. The problem is that it creates sadness in me too. It breaks my heart and makes me want to scream and yell and throw things against a wall. So these conflicting emotions are really hard for some people to get. But you have to see the separation here. My happiness is for them. I'm thrilled their baby arrived safe and sound. The sadness is only for me. It's not about them. It's not about the baby. It's about my loss and my sadness that right now I should have a 2 month old. When their baby was announced I should have been snuggling my baby. They live pretty far away so I can't actually see the baby right now except in pictures. I was actually there for the birth of their first baby though. These feelings are slightly compounded by the fact that my friend wasn't really there for me during the first loss. I still haven't quite figured it all out and I'm working on forgiving her for good. She's really tried to be there for me this time and she has apologized. So on top of my sadness there is also kind of a twinge of crankiness. Does that make sense? Ugh. It's so hard to describe this and sound sane. So I tried to explain to someone how I was feeling. The person I tried to explain it to was having a bad day herself. She says "Well I thought you were happy for them" in a sort of snappy tone. I started to cry and she apologized. She felt really bad about it. She actually reads this blog so I do want you to know that I'm not mad :)! I get that she was having a bad day and that it was more about the bad day than me! So even though the feelings are really separate in theory, it's kind of hard to sort them out in practice. Are there any other mom's of lost babies that know what I mean here or am I just being a selfish jerk??

Well I did my OPK today and it's negative. I'm so glad I caught that surge yesterday otherwise I would have thought I didn't ovulate this month which would have stressed me. So here's to a finger crossing 2WW. Then I have some decisions to make if I do get a BFP. I'll have to figure out if I want to give up all of my Zumba classes or keep going with them. I guess I'm getting a bit ahead of myself but for some reason I have a really good feeling about this month and I'm feeling super positive. I think it's more of an attitude thing than a premonition, but it still feels good. If it's a BFN instead of a BFP then I'll deal with it and we'll try again. Timing is amazing for this month and next though. If we had a BFP now J would just be getting done with school when the baby was born and that would be so great. We would both have the summer off. The next cycle would be similar. We could both be off together. Then the next few cycles after that would sort of suck since it would be around Bear's due date and because for both of us school would just be starting up. Okay fingers crossed everyone. This time I'm posting the news as soon as I know. Last time I sat on my news for a while hoping to hear a HB before we shared the news, but I needed support through the miscarriage and my family was of course there for me again so I'm just going to share when I know this time!!

Ovulation

Okay so I knew I was about to ovulate (or O as the abbreviation goes in the TTC world) so I've been peeing on OPKs like crazy. Today I got a positive OPK at about 9:50a.m. Then again I peed on one at about 2p.m. and it already looks negative again. Was my LH surge that quick? Did I maybe catch an overnight surge or something? Guess I'll check again tomorrow and if it's negative again it's over. Hmmm...Good thing we've been BD for the last few nights and I'll make it happen tonight too :)! Here's a picture. What do you think? Positive on the top and negative on the bottom?

EWCM

There are so many abbreviations in this TTC game. See--I just used one! TTC means trying to conceive. Pretty much anything and everything has an abbreviation. Today I went to the bathroom to use an OPK. Hahaha! I got you! Another abbreviation. So anyway OPK means ovulation predictor kit. So I used one and noticed something interesting. I had a bunch of EWCM. EWCM stands for egg white cervical mucus. In a year of TTC with 2 losses and charting I have never noticed this before. This is the first time in a year. How cool is that? EWCM is important because it provides a good environment for the sperm to go from vagina to uterus and get fertilized. The sperm has to climb through the cervix and the EWCM is the means for that to happen. Obviously I was fertile as I've been pregnant twice, but this EWCM is a positive sign of fertility. It means I'll be ovulating soon and J and I are trying for our third pregnancy. It's so depressing when I think of it like that. I've seriously been pregnant twice with nothing to show for it. Nothing at all. Except some depression and a set of tiny footprints. Ugh. So hoping this is our chance. Please let us be pregnant this month and get a BFP (big fat postive). I think we deserve this universe. PLEASE!!!

Unsure

I'm quite unsure how I'm doing. Most days I'm doing really well. Then I have a day that sucks. Yesterday I stayed in bed nearly all day. I guess one day in bed out of a whole month of days isn't that bad. But these whole days in bed are a new thing for me. I never ever used to do this.

I haven't gotten my period yet after this latest loss. It's getting close to about 30 days from the actual miscarriage. When we lost Bear I bled again about 29 days after. But I guess having a D and E is different than a natural miscarriage. I'm not even sure if I ovulated this cycle. I tried a few sticks just to see, but at first they were all negative and then a few days ago they were almost positive for days to be followed by more negatives. Maybe I missed a surge, but if so it doesn't really matter. No BD means no baby LOL. We are definitely feeling this most recently loss in some very personal and sad ways. I think it puts a lot of fear into the whole process. It was there a little after losing Bear, but we just knew it would be okay in the long run. Here we are in the long run and it's not okay.

I've definitely become "that girl" the one no one wants to talk to for fear she will eventually start talking about her lost babies. I totally get it now. I used to know this girl that talked about her lost baby all the time. She was my boss a while back. I didn't respect her for lots of reasons and honestly got tired of her telling her "dead baby" story over and over. Yeah. I'm an idiot. Seriously that's how I thought back then. What the hell did I know? I was a complete jerk. How much more karmic could all of this be. I'm not saying that's why all of this happened to me, but goodness it sure serves me right doesn't it??? Now I'm her. Others are probably wishing I would stop using the word miscarriage and stuff and stop being depressed all of the time. It's awful. I've turned into someone I used to despise. And just to set the record straight it wasn't just her loss that bothered me. She was just not a good boss and farted right on the front teller line (at a bank) and thought it was funny. She called me a prude when I didn't want to go to an adult book store with her and a gay co-worker. Then on top of all of this she talked about her loss often. I get the loss thing now. I feel some serious regret about my attitude. I never showed her my feelings directly, but surely she picked up on them just as I now pick up these things in others when I talk. I don't stop though. My babies deserve to be talked about. They were part of my life. Just as my former boss's baby was a part of hers.

Here is an official heartfelt apology. Former boss, I was a jerk. I'm so sorry I ever had not nice thoughts about your baby loss story. I am now a baby loss mom of 2 and I understand the devastation. Please accept my apology and empathy for your loss.

Sharing

I'm still feeling a bit down. I've been wanting to write in here all week, but this is my busiest week of the year. I run a campus recreation center on a University campus and the students are coming back this week. I have so many obligations during this week. So I've been busy.

There are a few people on campus that I'm friends with and wanted to share with them my newest sadness, just because I felt they would understand or have some sympathy for me.

Sometimes sharing is a mistake. I told one person and she was really understanding during my last miscarriage. But this time when I told her I had a miscarriage around 6 1/2 weeks she said "Oh we just find out way too early we are pregnant these days.". I was like seriously???? Um 6 1/2 weeks for me was like 2 missed periods since I have 25 day periods. I looked it up and it was 48 days that I was pregnant. So yeah basically 2 missed periods. You don't think I would have figured it out even without a test by then? It just seemed like a really dismissive thing to say.

I think I'll keep it to myself from now on unless someone really seems like they know something is going on with me. I think this sucks though because there is an odd silencing thing going on around miscarriage. People just don't talk about it unless it happens to them or once it happens to them they might share it with someone else it happens to. Why is there a stigma around this? Why are people idiots about knowing what to say?

Miscarriage #2

Yep. That's right. I had another miscarriage. J and I found out we were expecting again on July 13th. We were on vacation and were climbing the highest mountains in New York, Vermont and Maine. We had already climbed Mount Marcy in New York and took a gondola to the top of Mount Mansfield in Vermont and were staying in a hotel in Bangor Maine on our way to the highest mountain in Maine. I brought some cheap internet HPTs with me to test with on vacation since I knew it would be within my testing period.

The morning of July 13th I got up and used first morning urine to test. There was a faint line on my Wondofo test strip. I got excited and took another one. Same faint line. So I woke J up and asked him if he saw a line. He said he did sort of. So it was only about 5a.m. at this time. I waited until 9 (impatiently) to run to a drugstore and get 2 more tests. I got myself an FRER (the gold standard of early tests) and a digital (love seeing the word "pregnant"). Well guess what??? They were both negative. I was 10dpo at this time. We weren't sure what to think. So we decided to let it go and test again.

The next day we were at a campground in Baxter State Park in Maine. When I woke up in the morning I went over to the outhouse and took a Wondofo and a FRER. Both had double lines! I woke J up and showed him. He says "oh so does this mean we aren't pregnant?". I don't think he could see the 2nd line. So I pointed the line out to him and he finally got it. So yep. Pregnant.

That day our plan was to hike Mount Katahdin, the highest mountain in Maine. J wondered if I wanted to just stay at the campsite and skip the climbing. I told him that at this point in a pregnancy it will either stick or not and there was nothing I could do to change it. I decided to go hiking. We hiked the mountain and it was very strenuous!

Fast forward a few weeks to last week. August 3rd. We had our very first doctor's appointment at 6 weeks 1 day. I wanted to go early so we could start discussing early testing options like CVS. The doctor gave me a pelvic exam and determined that my uterus was growing like it should. He did not give us an ultrasound saying that it was too early (which irritated me because last time we had an ultrasound that early...why can't doctors be consistent?).

So Thursday, August 4th we were in Cornell brining our dog up there for surgery. After we dropped her off we stopped somewhere for lunch. I headed into the bathroom before ordering and immediately noticed blood on the TP when I wiped. It was kind of pinkish. I ran out of the bathroom and out of the restaurant with J following me. I started to cry and he knew immediately that something was wrong with the pregnancy. We got in the car and I put in a call to my OB/GYN. They were busy so the secretary said she would have them call me back.

That night the OB/GYN did not call me back. The next day the bleeding was still only slight spotting on the TP,and none on a pad. So I tried calling the doctor again and let them know I was a bit irritated that they hadn't returned my call yesterday. The nurse said that her report said I was going to the ER so they weren't worried about me. I was doubly upset because that wasn't the case. She checked with the doctor and they agreed to let us come in for an ultrasound that day.

We saw the doctor Friday morning 8/4 at about 10:30 a.m. When he did the ultrasound we could immediately tell that it didn't look right. There was only a tiny, little sac and the doctor said it was measuring about 5 weeks-no embryo or anything else visible. He talked about how maybe our dates were off and I informed him that I had been charting and knew exactly when I ovulated. He stated that it was mostly likely a miscarriage then. He was going on vacation the next week and scheduled me an ultrasound in one week with a different doctor. He didn't really give me any more info about what it might be like if I miscarried naturally. He did say something about going to the ER if the bleeding or cramping got bad and the ER would help us manage the micarriage. That was the extent of the advice.

So I left his office feeling really awful. J and I were once again broken. Life just won't give us a break. Our dog was in the hospital and we learn our 2nd baby is gone just like the first. We were once again reminded how badly life sucks.

That weekend I continued to bleed lighly, mostly on TP when I wiped. But on Sunday the bleeding started to intensify and started to seep onto a pad. By Monday I was bleeding heavily and in a great deal of pain. Monday afternoon I was sitting in the bathroom for hours at a time while I bled. J started to get worried and decided we needed to go to the ER. So we made the trip up to the hospital where our OB is at (it's about an hour and 15 minutes away). At the ER they did absolutely nothing. We were there for 4 hours. When we finally saw a doctor he said that my bloodwork came back fine. I wasn't anemic and my blood count was normal. He said that the pain was normal and he really wouldn't perscribe anything for it. He was a very compassionate doctor though and shared with us his story of 5 losses.

So we went home that night and I went to bed. The next day, Tuesday, the pain was even worse and the bleeding was awful. I hurt so bad that I was crying and throwing up while sitting on the toilet. J had no idea what to do for me. Later that afternoon the pain subsided a little bit and I was able to sleep for a while. During that episode I called the OB/GYN office and begged them to perscribe me something, as well as my primary care doctor. I was so pissed off that none of them bothered to call me back. Then the next day the OB/GYN called me back and said they would perscribe me some vicodin even though after I described what I had been through, they felt the worst was over. So I went to pick up the vicodin and there were 2 different perscriptions for it because the OB/GYN sent some and my primary care doctor sent some--but hadn't informed me.

I'm just so pissed off about not only the miscarriage, but also about the treatment I've received from the medical community. At the same time we were dealing with this miscarriage we were also dealing with our dog being hurt. Her doctors at Cornell called us 2 and 3 times a day. They made sure we knew what was going on, they kept us informed. While my doctor barely gave a shit that I was in so much pain I was throwing up. What the hell is wrong with this world that veterinary care is better than human care? It really pisses me off.

So what we thought would be our rainbow baby ended up being lost baby #2.

Comments

I just want to let everyone know that I'm still having a hard time commenting on comments left on my blog and commenting on the blogs of others. I don't know why. I go to comment and Blogger sends me to the sign in page over and over. It never actually posts. So if anyone has any ideas on how to fix this let me know. I am sorry I'm not responding to comments or commenting on any of your blogs. It's because I can't :-(!!!

Stress

It's like we just can't get a break. This year has been one of the hardest, most heartbreaking years of my life. I'm at the point where every new thing that happens adds to my stress level and it's just going up, up, up without any relief. I really wish I could relieve some of this stress.

Two nights ago J and I were getting ready for bed. Our little dachshund Jazmine usually comes in the room with us and snuggles down on a blanket. Well that night she came in and then turned immediately around and went back downstairs. I guess we just thought she was going to get a drink or something. A few seconds later J started yelling and ran out, I guess he heard Jazmine crying and whining. So I ran out too and we found her at the bottom of the stairs with her back legs folded up under her. J thought at first that she broke her leg, but I realized immediately that it was different. He entire back body seemed to be paralyzed. She had no control of her legs, tail or back section. We both started to freak out.

We got the phone book out and called the only emergency vet for miles (still about 12 miles away). He answered the phone and said that it is actually pretty common and is a ruptured disk in her back. He warned that it would be expensive to bring her in and wanted to know if we really did want to bring her in. We didn't know what else to do so of course we had to take her in. When we got there the vet looked at her and confirmed it was a ruptured disk. He started to give us an idea of treatment. There were basically 2 or 3 options. The first option was to treat her in his office for a few days with steroids and pain killers and see how she does. The second option is surgery and the third option is a combination of the two. Right now it looks like we are doing a combination of the two. She has been there for 2 days now and we miss her.

We are waiting for a phone call from a neurosurgeon at Cornell to let us know if she is a candidate for surgery and if we should go that route. We are looking at about $1500 for the vet stay and then another $4000 for the surgery. Crazy huh? We just can't get a break.

All of this only a day after Bear's due date. It's almost too much to handle!

Dates

So I realize I haven't posted much lately. Originally writing in this blog was a healing thing for me. For the last month it hasn't really been what I needed in terms of healing and I let it slide. Finally I feel ready to come back and let this part of my healing again.

My due date was yesterday. There were many things about it that were awful, as I knew it would be. First, I kind of tried to avoid it by just forgetting what day it was. I let August creep up on me like a stealthy animal. I just sort of avoided noticing that the day was getting closer. Sounds crazy right? How can someone just ignore the fact that August 1st is coming? Totally ridiculous? But it worked for me. I knew the weekend was coming up and even used some tactics to stay busy.

My sister asked me to watch her 8 year old son on Friday night and I said yes thinking it might distract me. Then J asked me if we could go to a BBQ with some friends on Sunday. I said yes thinking it might distract me. I did plan to take Monday the 1st off the whole time, but I thought if I had enough things going on that the day would creep up on me and be one day where I could be sad and then move on.

It didn't happen like that of course. I've been distracted and cranky all week. I've snapped at J and cried lots this week. I've been impatient and irritable. I just ignored all those symptoms. I blamed it on other things.

By the time Sunday July 31st rolled around I was pretty much falling apart. We had agreed to go to a friend's house for a BBQ and I cried the entire way over. I'm pretty sure they thought I was just being a cranky bitch when I got there. They aren't like really close friends--so probably had no idea about the due date. While we were there J made arrangements to go fishing the next day. It was all I could do to keep from crying. Didn't he remember the next day was Bear's due date? Didn't he care? So the whole way home I cried too. Awesome right? He ended up calling and cancelling the fishing trip and then I felt bad. Didn't he deserve to try to handle the day in a way that best worked for him? Didn't he deserve to try to be happy. So then instead of just feeling crappy, I felt crappy and guilty. More awesomeness.

So once we got home on Sunday I continued to cry most of the night away. Oddly enough when I woke up on Monday, August 1st I wasn't feeling to awful. It wasn't until later in the day that it hit me. I just kept asking the same questions I had asked when we originally lost him:

Why did this happen to us?
Why did he have to get sick?
Why don't I get to have healthy babies?
Why does the universe hate me?
Why didn't this happen to someone else (lovely right?)?
Was there anything I could have done to stop it?
Why didn't I start having kids earlier in life?
Why do babies get sick and die?
Why do people who don't want kids get them and I don't?
Why did my baby have T21 if I am healthy and take care of myself?
What reason is there for chromosome issues in this world of ours?
How come I have to hurt so bad?
Will it always hurt this bad?
Why am I such a bad mom that I didn't get him cremated?
Will I ever have a baby?
Will I be able to have healthy babies?
and on and on and on.......


You can't imagine (well if you've been through this you can I guess) the pain and the stupid questions that come up. Like asking why does anything. It doesn't. It only makes it worse. That's all I did for hours Monday night. Was continually questioning why this all happened.

I got out his ultrasound pictures and his footprints and cried. I also got out his blessing card. When they did the D & E we had a minister do a blessing over his remains. I'm not religious, but I think it was comforting to J. Oddly enough it was also comforting to me.

One of the things I dwelt on quite a bit yesterday was the lack of support. I basically got very very angry at one point and was yelling to J about how shitty my family and friends are. I realize it's really easy to trade one emotion (sadness) for another (anger). And that's definitely what I did. I was pissed that I hadn't heard from my mom or my sister or my best friend. Eventually my little sister did text me. It made me feel marginally better. I realize that these people have their own lives, but how hard would it have been to let me know they were thinking of me? I think the bottom line is that they weren't thinking of me. Do you think my mom even remembered? No probably not. And if she did she probably had no idea what to say. My BFF certainly probably didn't remember. She was barely there for me when I lost him. Why would she be there when I continued to grieve for him? It's amazing to me how much this hurt. J's mom and sister both made it a point to reach out to us. His sister sent a text and his mom sent an email.

So that's where I am. Still grieving for my lost baby boy 4 1/2 months later. I had him with me as long as I haven't now. He was 4 1/2 months when we lost him and now it's 4 1/2 months later. It's been the longest, worst year of my life. Which sucks, considering it's also been the first year of married life for J and I. It's been really tough on us. We are doing okay, but it's a strain to have so many crappy things happen.

Some of this has reminded me how alone we all are in the Universe. My struggles are my own. Even with a husband and a family and friends that I love, the struggles are still my own. I can't rely on others to help handle my pain. It's mine alone and mine to deal with. I am a very introverted and closed off person in the first place. On the very rare occasions when I really could use someone reaching in and helping me, I do sometimes get disappointed. So it just reminds me seriously of how alone we are. I know that might seem sad and depressing to some people, but to me it's a point of strength. I grew up knowing you couldn't rely on other people and that the people you trust the most can betray you in the most horrible ways. I'm seeing now that as an adult the little bit of trust and openness that I've worked on for myself is just an illusion. Sad? Not really. Just a reminder of who I am and where I came from.

My childhood was sometimes crappy--since I grew up with an alcoholic father and a co-dependent mother, but losing Bear was the worst thing that's ever happened to me. My life has been pretty easy going up until this point. Even with a few traumatic events behind me I still never experienced anything quite like this. I can't believe that people deal with pain like this on a regular basis. I'm not sure how well I can handle this if it happens again.

Waiting

TTC is basically a big waiting game. From the beginning:

#1. Wait for AF (period) to show up
#2. Wait for AF to go away
#3. Wait for a positive OPK
#4. Wait for Ovulation after the positive OPK
#5. Wait for about 8 days and then start peeing on a stick way too early
#6. Continue to pee on sticks while really just waiting to see if AF comes again
#7. Eventually either AF or a BFP will show up

That's a lot of waiting. People call the time between ovulation and the next AF or the BFP the Two Week Wait (2WW). But I maintain that there are two separate 2WWs. The 2ww between period and O and the 2WW between O and the AF or BFP. I am now in the 2WW between O and AF. I'm 5DPO and just hanging out waiting to see what happens. Month 3 TTC.

Smiley

I got my first positive OPK on a digital this month. This is month 3 TTC. Month 1 I never really got a +. Month 2 I had what I thought was a + on an internet cheapie, but I didn't have a digital to verify it with. Then this month I had ordered some ClearBlue Easy Digital OPKs off of Amazon so I could verify my + with a digital. When I thought it was + on the first day (Saturday, July 2nd) I used an internet cheapie and got what I thought was a +. So I tried to use the digital to confirm but it gave me an error and since I was camping I didn't have an extra stick to use. So the next day at home I retested with an internet cheapie and got another +. So I used the digi and got my first every smiley face OPK! Woohoo! What I did realize after 2 cycles of positives though is that I ovulate the same day as my second + test. So I had two +'s last month and 2 +'s this month. Each time Fertility Friend gave me my crosshairs on the second + day. So if I don't get my BFP this month I'll have to keep that in mind. Also I think I ovulate between 12 and 13dpo generally so that helps to know also! I'm learning so much about my body with all of this charting stuff. It's really interesting!

Feelings

My emotions are out of control. I find myself in a full on rage one moment, crying hysterically the next and so on. It's not good. This weekend was one crappy emotion after another. And oddly enough, I actually had a pretty good weekend.

I went camping with pretty much my entire family this weekend and had a lot of fun. The problem for me is that we are TTC and I have some needs in conjunction with that. Try peeing in a cup in a public bathroom and then waiting 5 minutes for the results of the OPK tests. That was a challenge. And how about trying to BD in a tent with other people 2 feet away (not in the same tent obviously...but in a camper 2 feet away)? Not happening LOL. So I got angry about it and was fighting with J. And it wasn't even his fault.

So anyway we went camping Friday and Saturday. Guess when I got a + opk? That's right, Saturday. So J started drinking and started intentionally pushing my buttons. So I started to get irritated. Like really irritated. I was trying to find a way to get us out of there so we could BD because we had the + opk and he was having fun. On the one hand I wanted him to have fun, on the other hand I wanted him to be as single minded as I am about getting pregnant. Needless to say I didn't get my BD that night and was pissed at him. Like full of rage pissed. Then the next day I POAS at home and had another positive. Then I felt like a complete ass. But it still would have been good to get some BD in the day before because I ovulated on the day of that second + I think. Oh well. I guess it will happen when it happens.

The last 2 months my changes were "High" on Fertility Friend's Pregnancy analyzer. This month when I go in and add a temp tomorrow to make me 3DPO it gives me only "Good" odds instead of high. Well I guess good odds are better than none right?

I also found out that a girl in my family (kind of extended family) that had an early loss at the same time as me is now 12 weeks pregnant. I started crying and tried to hide it when I was told. Then when we left from camping I cried the whole way home and for about 2 hours after. I was just so angry, sad, frustrated, and emotional. It was hard being around so many kids I love and just wanting my own so bad. There were also tons of cute little kids all over that campground. It was just really hard for me. Poor J had a hard time dealing with me between all of my crazy emotional outbursts. During my crazy outbursts he admitted to me that he was feeling a little pressure from me and was worried he wouldn't be able to deliver and that I would get mad. It was really honest of him to share with me and I felt bad because he was right. I'm so single minded about this and I don't know how to chill out. I just want this so bad.

I'm finding that wanting something I can't control is very anxiety provoking for me. I can usually control everything in my life. I can't control this. All the temping and peeing on a stick isn't control. It's just a way to try to control something that is uncontrollable. This is month 3 of TTC. After 6 months if we don't get our BFP I'm going to make an appointment with a doctor. Especially because we are charting and timing things right. This month we even tried to do a little less BDing because I was worried maybe we were doing it too much and wasting good baby making materials LOL. So I tried to chill and let it be okay that we missed a day or two. But then when I got that +opk and we missed a day I flipped out. Yeah...I'm crazy.

I'm not sure how much longer to let this go before I get some help with it. It's really hard to see a counselor because I live in a really rural area and I have to drive at least 20 minutes, but more like 45 minutes probably to go see someone. It's just hard to work that into my schedule. And as for meds, like an anti-depressent or something, I would just worry that it would interfere with getting pregnant. I barely allow myself to take allergy meds even though I'm sneezing up a storm because of the affect they might have on my cervical mucus.

I just don't understand why it happened so fast last time and why it's taking time this time. I don't understand why the universe deems it okay to give kids to moms who don't even want them. I don't understand why this baby would be the most loved and wanted baby and it isn't happening.

I'm so tired of this TTC thing already and it's only month 3. I hate it. I want so bad to be pregnant. I hate that right now I should be 37 weeks pregnant. I know that as I get closer to my due date I'll just get worse and worse probably. I just don't understand why this is all happening to me.

OPK

Cycle day 10 of my new cycle. I've been taking OPK's since CD6. I think they are slowly starting to get darker. I'm excited to confirm my internet cheapie test with a digital once I think it's positive. It will be nice to get confirmation and not just have to rely on my eyes! Going camping this weekend so not sure how that will affect testing with opks and the BD!!!!

The picture is Cycle day 6 on the top down to today's cycle day 10. CD 10 isn't labeled, but the rest are. I do think they are getting darker.

Time

Time just keeps on moving doesn't it? I can't believe it's almost been 4 months. In some ways it feels like yesterday and in some ways it feels like forever. I really thought I would get pregnant again right away and I struggle with the fact that I'm not. The pain isn't quite as raw as it was in the beginning. Now it's definitely more of a dull ache and a random depression. I just get sad at the oddest times.

This weekend J and I were in Old Navy buying him some shorts. He got these khaki cargo shorts and we were walking around the store. We ended up walking by the baby section (not intentionally) and J grabbed the sweetest little tiny pair of baby cargo shorts off of the rack that looked just like the ones he picked out for himself. His face was just devastated. I could see the pain in his eyes and I knew how sad he was. I started to cry right there in Old Navy.

Or how about yesterday when we were hiking and came across a dad with a baby in a hiking back pack carrier. She was so sweet and the dad was really doing a strenuous hike with the little girl on his back. J and I were so sad after encountering them. We just couldn't stop thinking about how that should be us with a baby strapped to our back.

Some days I get so mad at myself for waiting so long to try to have kids. Maybe I could have gotten knocked up and had a healthy baby if I had just tried earlier. But the problem with that is that J wouldn't have been the dad and I might have never met him. I'm glad for the life I have now but I do sometimes wonder if I would trade it in to be a mom. I'm sure hoping I still get the chance.

Faces

My story was published on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope website. Here is the link:

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Space

Blogger is making me so mad. First of all I still can't comment on posts. I really want to tell Kara (another BLM) how much I'm thinking of her. But Blogger has it out for me and won't let me post. Then I wrote a few paragraph post yesterday and it didn't publish it. I have no idea what's going on.

So anyway...I guess I'll see if I can get a post to publish today.

I'm on day 22 of a 25 day cycle. I'm 100% I'm not pregnant. My pre-period symtpoms have all been present and they are not pregancy symptoms. So I'm sure I'm out for this month. I have taken some pregnancy tests and they are all negative. I just don't understand why it's taking time to get pregnant. We got pregnant the first month last time without really even trying. At that time I used to just keep track of my cycles on a program on my iPod. It would give me green days when I should be fertile. I made sure we DTD (Did the deed) on some green days and I ended up pregnant. Now I'm temping, using ovulation predictor kits, checking my cervical mucus, and really making sure we DTD a ton and I'm not pregnant. It's really frustrating. I guess last time was just a lucky thing that turned out not to be so lucky. I sure hope it doesn't take a year. I can't remember the exact number, but the statistics for women over 35 are about 8 months to a year of TTC before getting pregnant I think.

I'm headed out of town on Sunday to go to a Yoga Nidra training at Kripalu. I'm really excited to get away for a bit. I think J and I can use some space too. I'm hoping to do some blogging while I'm gone, but I'll play with blogging pics from Kripalu I think!

OOOH!! I published this post and then went in to edit it and give it a title and noticed that yesterday's post was saved as a draft. Woohoo. I'm going to go see if I can figure out how to publish it now!

Leaving

I'm leaving on Sunday for a 6 day trip for a Yoga training. Maybe I'll practice blogging from my phone with beautiful pictures of my yoga training place!

I'm not too optimistic for pregnancy this month. My charting isn't looking good. Even though I got that great postive opk and timed things well it looks like a no go this month. I'm hoping I can relax even more and just let things happen and remember that these things take time and we just got super lucky the first time. And look how that turned out.

I'm very pissed off at Blogger still as I can't comment on the blogs of others. I really wanted to tell another BLM that I'm thinking of her as her due date approaches....but it isn't to be. So Kara if you visit me over here...I'm thinking of you!

Welcome

My sister stumbled upon my blog last night I guess. She texted me to tell me this message "I just read your blog...I love you!!! You are an amazing, strong and inspiring person!!! I love you!!!" LOL. Do you think she included enough I love you's or exclamation points! I didn't ask her how she stumbled up on it. I'm assuming my Facebook page. I actually added the link for this blog to FB and just assumed that anyone who found it was welcome to read it. I never gave her the link personally because I'm a big sister and I protect my little sister from pain whenever I can. I thought her reading this would be painful and I wanted to save her that. She said she did cry when she read it. So now I've got 2 readers that actually know me in person. So if you don't want to know all about my trying to get pregnant stuff then don't read LOL!

So I'm 8DPO (days past ovulation) today. I broke down and tested and got a BFN (Big fat negative). It's really too early though. I just can't stress enough how much I hope this is the month. I do think I'm in a better place this month than I was last month. I'm still sad, but I'm able to go through most days without a major breakdown.

I started teaching yoga again, which is huge. I avoided yoga for about 3 months thinking it would cause me to go too deep into myself. Now that I'm doing okay, it just feels good to get back to my practice. I also signed myself up for a weeklong training program at Kripalu for a Yoga Nidra training. I'm super excited. I leave Sunday.

Positive!

Positive OPK at Day 12, a photo by girltrekkie on Flickr.

Positive OPK at Day 12

Life

Well that's no good when life gets in the way of my blogging now is it?? Work and life have both been very busy and unexpected lately.

The Memorial Holiday weekend we had really bad storms and ended up losing power for four days. We had to go spend the weekend with my in laws. It was awful (the storms, not the in laws LOL!). I was actually driving during the worst part of the storm and was honest to goodness scared for my life. I saw a tornado forming and had to dodge multiple falling trees and I ran into some power lines that were thankfully not live. Our area in north central PA was hit pretty hard for several days with confirmed tornados. Pretty crazy.

Luckily no one got hurt and we made out with minimal damage. We lost two pretty Willow trees (my favorites) in our yard and some shingles on our roof. So once the power was restored we spent the next few days trying to wrestle the fallen trees down and get rid of them.

Then after those crazy storms it seems like things have just gotten busy. I'm back to teaching Zumba for our local Curves on Monday nights, I have meetings for the class I'm taking on Wedneday nights and it seems like something else always comes up on Tuesday and Thursday.

I'm doing pretty well. I seem to have gotten some of my bubbliness back. I know that probably isn't even a word. But that's how I feel. Like some of my lost mojo has silently crept back in. I have more energy, I have been accomplishing more at work and I've been spending less time in bed watching TV. I don't think the depression is truly over, but I think it's getting better.

I am still charting and hoping for a baby. We tried last month with no success. I did the temping, charting and using opks (ovulation predictors). This month I'm doing the same thing. I got a positive OPK last night and realized that last month I never saw one that was as dark and never got a true positive last month so don't think I even ovulated. My temps were also all over the place. I posted a separate blog post from Flickr with the pic of my progression from Cycle day 8 to Cycle day 12on the OPKs.

Oh and just a random note...Blogger is seriously pissing me off. I can't comment on other people's blogs any more. It keeps redirecting me to log in and then won't actually let me post the comment. One of the BLM (baby loss mamas) that I follow got her BFP (postive pregnancy test--big fat positive) and I wanted to congratulate her. So Lauren if you happen to stop by and catch this...I'm SOOO happy for you :)!!!

Story

I submitted my story and my photo to two different web pages (I think they are sister sites) dedicated to women who have lost babies. The two pages are Faces of Loss and Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I was moved to do this by a local girl that I met that also lost a baby. She friended me on Facebook after a mutual friend told her about me. On her facebook page there is a link to her Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope story. I just reread it today and cried over her loss. Click HERE for her story.

I'm still sad today. I'm sad about Bear, I'm sad I'm not pregnant again, I'm sad it's almost been 12 weeks and life goes on.

I guess I figured out how to add links on here. I tried before and couldn't quite get it. This time I was successful! So if my photo and story are published on those sites I'll share those links here too!

I was talking in my last post about how I go to that Baby Center page and kind of obsess about getting pregnant again. I think it might be healthy for me to avoid that page for a while. I think maybe I'll just wait until I'm actually pregnant to get on there. It's a nice supportive group, but it's also kind of depressing. I'm going to think about it a bit more before making a final decision I guess.

Sad

I'm so incredibly sad. I really try not to be, but sometimes I can't help it. I don't know why today is hard for me other than I suspect my period is coming. Which makes me even sadder. Last month around this time I was also incredibly depressed. I suspect its wacky hormones.

I asked J tonight if he felt like I needed to go on antidepressents (after he saw me sob uncontrollably for an hour). He said no.  He gently reminded me that its okay to grieve and that it hasn't been that long. He even shared with me that he had been thinking of Bear a lot today too. He took me out for a quick walk with the dog and a Frosty to try to cheer me up. It was very sweet.

I am sort of obsessed with the idea of getting pregnant again. I'm on these Baby Center bulletin boards for people trying to get pregnant. Well in the last two days there have been tons of reports of positive pregnancy tests. Probably not the healthiest place for me to ne spending so much time. Also I've been charting my cycle and now I obsess over every little thing and check my chart 10 times a day even though nothing changes on it. I need to back up a bit and learn how to just be and let this go. I just don't know how though.

I'm so appreciative that J allows me my grief and reminds me its okay.

Thirty

I had a really bad day yesterday. I barely got out of bed. I knew that today marked 30 weeks that I "should" have been pregnant. I guess I kind of allowed myself to really mourn on Sunday rather than drag it into my week and have to deal with it. It kind of worked too. I'm glad.

Basically I just stayed in bed about 90% of the day. I read and slept and just avoided real life. It worked I guess, because today I'm feeling okay and I'm actually going to teach my first Zumba class since finding out the bad news about Bear. So it's been 3 months since I've taught anything. I've not really exercised either so I hope that I can make it through. I just finished up my playlist and hope I can practice two of the new songs I added before class.

I'm still hopeful that this month could be the month for baby #2. I'm sure it's not likely, but there's no sense being a pessimist right? At least I can be optimisticly hopeful and deal with it when it doesn't happen. I will probably take a test on Wed. of this week. My period would be due on Friday. Although I am doing the whole charting temping thing and it seems to think that I ovulated later than I would have normally. So maybe my period would start later. I think it might be because I was so stressed about that IUD thing with the doctor's office. That makes a lot of sense to me!

Well....I'm off to teach some Zumba. I am sad that I'm not 30 weeks pregnant with Bear, but I think I'm coping okay today at least.

Waiting

Originally when I started this blog it was almost like I had to get the thoughts out and write them down. It was kind of an obsessive thing. I would get something stuck in my mind and I wouldn't be able to calm down about it until I wrote it down.

Now, on the otherhand, it seems a little different. I keep thinking I want to write what's going on, but then I just don't. I think it sort of ties into my last post about motivation. I am all out of it. Just totally lethargic and unmotivated. Not good.

So I'm in my 2WW (two week wait)for the TTC (trying to conceive). It would be super awesome and lucky if I got pregnant this month, but highly unlikely. I'm going to take a test mid to late next week to see. The waiting seems like it lasts forever. I can't imagine having to deal with this every month for the next couple of months.

I can't believe I'm even TTC again. It seems so soon after Bear. Neither J nor I are healed from losing Bear yet. We just don't want to waste time.

Motivation

I seem to be coming out of my depression a bit. I'm not as down and apathetic as I had been. I do still seem to be lacking motivation though. My house isn't as clean as I would like, my work isn't getting done as well as I would like and I haven't even bothered to try to lose weight like I had planned.

I thought the warmer weather and sun would help me get motivated and exercise, but honestly it's still rainy and chilly here. It's just miserable. I think there were a few good days, but on average it's still crappy outside. I'm not sure what the motivation thing is. I hope it comes back. I really need my motivation back LOL.

I did agree to teach a Zumba class for my local Curves next week. Maybe that will help. I taught at the Curves a few months ago and I had so much fun with them. I was pregnant with Bear at the time and they sent me flowers when I lost him. The owner is a really sweet lady and has been checking in on me every couple of weeks. She's been asking me to come back for weeks too! I think I'm finally ready. I have to go back to it at some point. I hope starting that class will give me some of my motivation back!

I do have motivation for the TTC thing though. I'm taking my temp, doing a chart and taking OPK test things. I'm sure I'm trying to control something that can't be controlled. It's hard for me to just admit it will either happen or it won't. And then once it happens we will either have a healthy baby or we won't. There is absolutely nothing I can do to change the outcome. I'm a control freak so that's really hard for me!

Sigh

Ahhh...crisis averted. I can breathe a sigh of relief now. I talked to the doctor directly. She called me 3 times. She called twice on my cell and left 2 messages. I'm currently having a charger issue so my phone was almost dead and I had it on silent so I didn't get those calls and it went to voicemail. I did listen to the messages though. Both messages were very reassuring and said she hoped we could connect at some point today. She did ask for an alternate number. So I called her office and left a message with my work phone number. She called me back within about 1/2 hour. She reassured me that she was 100% positive there was no IUD inserted and that it was a billing error. She asked how I was doing and really listened to my answer. I asked her a question about Bear too. I wanted to know if the T21 was full or a translocation since I hadn't really asked much about it when I originally found out. Turns out it was a full T21 and if it had been a translocation she assured me they would have had J and I in for testing.

So I'm feeling much better about all of that. So....time to make babies LOL. I'm definitely going the anal retentive route this time with the baby making. The whole charting, temping nonsense. I really feel like I want to be fully prepared for anything. Sure it might happen on month 1. Highly unlikely, but it could happen. But if it doesn't happen quickly I want all the data I can get to take to a doctor. I'm ready for a healthy full term baby. I know it is in my grasp. It doesn't take away from Bear at all. I loved him with all my heart and will always love him. I deserve to have a healthy happy baby just as much as anyone else. I've really been struggling with this. I torture myself with all the reasons that the universe might not be giving me a baby when Octomom gets like 100 of them. But I know it's just purely random. No sense or reason or whatever. I just don't believe that. I was a random victim of chance and hopefully this time I'll be a random victim for good. Come on baby dust :)!

Oh...if you are into the TTC thing you can stalk my chart here:

My Ovulation Chart


**(this might be a little TMI for those of you who read this who actually know me LOL...but us crazy TTC people share this info freely in the hopes of sharing knowledge and advice):

Pissed

Okay I still have no answer about the IUD thing. I'm starting to get PISSED. This is ridiculous. I've had the bill since Friday, I've called the doctor's office twice a day since Monday and they still can't answer my question. What the heck am I supposed to do now?

I called the billing department today since the doctor's office doesn't open until 8:30. The lady that took my call was very nice, but still couldn't answer my questions. She agreed that she would be pissed too if it was her and that she would be calling constantly too. She gave me her direct line to the billing department so I could just deal with her. That was nice, but doesn't get me an answer. I'm really starting to get upset by this. Especially after I feel like they treated me so well at first and during all of our care when we lost Bear, but now it's a big PITA!!!!

On a better note, I seem to be perking up a bit in terms of mood. I actually put make up on today. That doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is LOL. For the first month after Bear I was a mess, then I had a week or two where I kind of got myself together and wore makeup and tried to eat well and then I had a really really bad week last week and kind of went backwards with my recovery. I knew I was slowly starting to feel a bit better this week and finally today I was motivated enough to put a tiny bit of make up on. Woohoo for recovery from grief.

WTH

Ahh...I've had a couple of days lately that would have challenged the most stable person. Mother's Day, an issue with billing from the hospital and some issues at work. But, I'm surviving and doing okay.

First, Mother's Day. It's definitely not a great day when you were expecting to be really large and pregnant and excited on Mother's Day and you aren't. It sucked. But honestly, I just kind of ignored it. My husband didn't really do much for me, he had good intentions, but didn't really follow through. He did take me to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast which was nice. That's pretty much the only acknowledgement I got from him anyway. I did get a few texts/calls/comments from people who knew I might be upset on that day, but most people just kind of ignored that I might be feeling anything. My mom didn't even say anything. I wished her a Happy Mother's Day and quickly got off the phone when I realized she wasn't going to acknowledge my pain. My husband's mom also didn't really acknowledge. We ended up running into them in a Lowe's and I said Happy Mother's Day to you and she started to say "you too" but cut herself off. That hurt my feelings a bit. Oh well. What are you going to do? Just move on and deal.

Next up, issue with my hospital bill. This issue is so unbelievable. I received my bill and read over it. There were three sections for the three different visits. It said I owed $220.00. I tried to figure out why. Well on the last line of the bill it says "Insert Intrauterine Device". I read that and then sat down and tried to figure it out. Now I know that an Intrauterine Device is an IUD right? I wondered if it also might be some medical term for something they did during my D & E. So it was Friday afternoon that we received the bill and we couldn't really do much about it. I called the billing department first thing Monday morning and asked them what that meant. The person said "well I think it means insert an IUD" I said "well that's gonna be a big problem for everyone if an IUD was inserted". So he says I need to call the doctor directly. When I call them the receptionist was also quite useless. She said the same thing, that it meant they inserted an IUD. She said "sometimes when they do terminations they insert an IUD." I about flipped out on her. Termination? Grrr....I realize they do terminations there of unwanted pregnancies, but my situation was in no way a termination. It was a removal of my much wanted dead baby from my uterus.

Okay, anyway, she said she would have the nurse review my file to see if an IUD was inserted and that I should call the billing department. Ummm...duh...I already called the billing department and they said to call the doctor's office. So yeah, that's what I've been dealing with. I'm trying to get pregnant and have no idea if I might have an IUD inserted. I have no idea if you would know or not if you had one. I did read that they have some strings that hang down that would be noticeable during ummm...yeah you know. So far we haven't noticed anything like that. Also I did have a 2 week follow up after my D & E with my regular OB/GYN and it seems like he would have mentioned something about an IUD if he had noticed I had one. Right?

So there are several issues here. Did they insert an IUD during my D & E? If so I'm suing. Seriously. They are going down. Yeah. I'm not a big fan of the American litigious society, but this is unacceptable. I seriously will sue them. So maybe they didn't insert an IUD. That's great. BUT, they obviously messed up my billing and are now messing with my head LOL. And it's now Tuesday morning and I still haven't heard back from them. I'm tempted to make an appointment with my regular physician for a quick look to see if they can tell if I have an IUD in or not. But I think I'll just wait. At this point what difference does it make? This week would be my O week for TTC and if I have one in I'm screwed for this month and if I don't we are covering our bases for it. So whatever. I am angry and I am upset, but there isn't much I can do about it.

Well, I guess I'll update when I get more news about it.

Oh and how about this?

http://www.thehollywoodgossip.com/2011/05/alicia-silverstone-welcomes-baby-bear-blu-jarecki/

I received the news yesterday that Alicia Silverstone named her baby Bear. Can you believe it? Seriously...so weird. I decided that of all the people that might name their baby Bear, she is the one I can handle. So it's a good thing right? She's a cool, hip, vegetarian with baby named Bear. Hmmm...similarities? I think so :-)!

*I can't figure out how to get a link to post as a link...I tried using the little link button on the blogger, but it didn't work. Hmm....work in progress I guess.

OMG

I almost flipped out on someone yesterday. I didn't. Thank goodness. I can still control myself.

So anyway, I wrote something on my Facebook about how life has been crappy and I'm choosing to focus on the things I'm thankful for and I wrote how I was thankful for the sweet robin's nest outside my front door. Well a bunch of people commented on my status and some seemed positive about the idea and some told me to take a deep breath and my very favorite said this:

"things will look up for ya soon i'm sure......everything happens for a reason sometimes its hard to understand and sometimes you don't know the reason for years but one day it just hits you why something happened or what it taught you......keep pushin through and stay positive...."

Umm....I seriously wanted to punch her in the face. Now first of all, I do understand that she isn't ill intentioned. For me intentions are huge. If you don't mean to hurt someones feeling's, but you do, it does make a difference if you intended to or not. Make sense? So I don't want to lash out at her. I know she meant well. That still doesn't change the fact that it bothered me.

But I just HATE those "everything happens for a reason" people. Seriously? I'm almost 9 weeks out from losing my baby. I still don't think there is a valid reason that this happened. I believe life is random. It's a random series of coincidences and choices that we make. This wasn't some predeterimed decision....this wasn't "God", it just happened. Shit happens.

Let's say she's right and it happened for a reason. What possible reason is there for taking a baby from a mom? What possible reason is there for making a baby that isn't going to live? What reason is there for giving children Down Syndrome? Moving on from me, what possible reason is there for there to be abuse in the world? For mom's to kill their own children? For drunk drivers to kill people that are loved? There are no reasons. It's just shit that happens. Ugh.

Okay. Whew...I got that out. Now I'm less likely to go ballistic on Facebook. Hah.

Moving on. I wish I could shake this depression. It's kind of getting worse and not better. I chalked it up to menstraul hormones for a few days, but now that it's over I can't do that. I feel like my head is enclosed in a fog. I can't break out of the fog. Yesterday was gorgeous and I sat outside for a while and did some yard work. The whole time I wasn't really engaged in it. I just moved through the motions. Even now sitting here, I have to work really hard to find the motivation to write this. How do I clear the fog? Time? Medication? I'm not sure. It seems like plenty of time has passed. Oh well. I'll just keep trucking along and see what happens. I did make a commitment to seek medical help if this last two more months. So at the 4 month mark from when I lost Bear, if I'm not mostly feeling better I'll go see someone.

Dreams

I was working hard in my office about an hour ago and recalled that I had a dream last night. I remember right after I lost Bear I wanted to dream about him so badly. I read posts from other women who dreamed of their lost children, but I didn't. I've been having sort of violent disturbing dreams lately, but none about my baby Bear. I always have kind of violent dreams, and it was worse during pregnancy. If you are into Yoga and Ayurveda, it's a pretty common trait for Pitta's to have fiery violent dreams.

So anyway, I dreamt about Bear last night. It was a bit creepy in retrospect, but also comforting. I had a dream that I was actually having a miscarriage. I was actually losing my baby at home. This isn't how my loss actually happened. So anyway in my dream, I was running up the stairs yelling to J and could tell I was getting ready to deliver my baby. I ended up feeling it drop into my pants (weird I know). I ran into the bathroom and pulled down my pants and saw lots of blood, but also a little tiny baby. Oddly enough in my dream the baby was alive. He was super tiny and almost like a doll, but he was awake, smiling and looking at me. Now one of the other disturbing parts was that he only had one arm. I'm going to chalk that up to my mind's way of dealing with the fact that Bear was special maybe. So the little baby I pulled up was clean and smiling and tiny and had very alert eyes that were looking at me. I yelled at J to come and see, but for some reason in my dream he didn't or wouldn't..I'm not really sure. That's pretty much it. In my dream I knew I only had a few minutes/hours with this precious baby and just stared and marvelled. I did keep yelling to J, but I seriously can't remember or didn't dream about why he wasn't there.

I'm not sure how to feel about this. Was it a message that it's okay to move on? Was it a message that I'm going to have another loss? I'm just not sure. I'm thinking it's maybe that I'm actually starting to deal with this and internalize it. Dreams are so weird. Maybe I need a Freudian analyst to help me with this LOL. When I woke up I was determined to remember and even thought about writing it down so I could remember in the morning. When I finally woke up for good I did not remember the dream. It was only later while I was cleaning in my office that I remembered. So I decided to post again today and try to figure out this weird nonsense.

My sweet baby Bear is gone. Forever. He remains only in my heart and the heart of those that love me and were going to love him. I might be ready to get a frame and display his tiny footprints. I want him to be a part of my life forever. I want any potential babies I have to know that they had a special older brother that never made it to this Earth.

I so hope that children are in my future. I want to nurture a baby so badly. I've been a special aunt to many kids over the years (including actual nieces and nephews and special cousins and just the children of close friends) and am ready to be a great mom to my own children. I'm ready to nurture my own patience, imagination and compassion as I care for my child. I'm ready to make my life about something other than myself. I have so much to give at this point in my life. I'm ready to give it. For today at least, I'm going to hold out hope that a baby is in my immediate future. That I will be a mother to a child of my own. That I can and will get pregnant and have a healthy chromosomally normal baby.

Gratitude

Day 3 of my cycle. Day 1 I thought it was going to go slow. Now that it's day 3, I think it's going quickly. I think it's because I'm not really ready and I'm scared. I haven't told J yet that I'm not ready. I don't know what I'll do ultimately. I guess time will tell. He's so excited and it such a good mood about it that I'm not sure I can handle telling him I'm not really ready. I don't want to make him sad again when he seems to be perking up. Ugh life is hard.

Not to mention the weather here in north central Pennsylvania is not the best. It's been so dreary and overcast forever. It just never stops. It's May 4th and I'm really craving the sun. A really warm sunny day where I can sit home on my deck and read. Even if it was a work day, now that it's summer I could take a day off to do it. Please sun. Come out and play. The weather forecast still isn't looking all that great. Partly sunny and 57 tomorrow, rainy and 67 Friday and Sunny and 66 on Saturday and then back to cloudy and 69 on Sunday. So one sunny day in that forecast. ONE. At least it's on Saturday I guess.

I was reminded yesterday by one of my biggest support people throughout all of this (who happens to also be the only person I gave the link to this blog too personally) that sometimes it's good to find the positives in life even when things are so gloomy. Yesterday she reminded me that I have a great job and I can be flexible with my time. That's really a good thing when you are going through something like this. If I feel bad, I go home. If I'm having a great day sometimes I stay longer. Yesterday I went home early. My plan was to go to bed, but instead I went and bought a steam cleaner for carpets and steam cleaned one of my carpets. LOL. Not sure what happened there. haha. I planned for a nap and cleaned instead? So not like me. So anyway...back to what I was saying. Sometimes it's good to find the positives in life when life is looking shitty. So that's my goal. I'm thinking of starting a gratitude journal for 30 days. I might do it both here and on my Facebook page.

What am I grateful for today? Unfortunately today is a day I'm going to have to think hard to find some gratitude. Some days I'm grateful for a thousand things. Today I feel fat, ugly, hate the weather, and want to go back to bed. Haha. I'm so grateful huh? Okay hold on. Let me think. Maybe this is an odd one. But I'm grateful for my Droid Incredible. Sounds odd huh? I can read books on in, listen to books on it, call people I like and get online. It's such a handy little thing. I would totally fall apart if I lost it. So yeah. Today I'm grateful for my awesome technology. It's also a really good phone. I've had it for almost a year and I've had no problems with it. My last phone was a Blackberry Curve and I hated that thing. It started falling apart right after I got it. I had several replacement phones. I know it's not a very touchy feely thing to be happy about, but I'm thankful for it and I think it counts.

Perhaps if I start to focus on some positive things I'll be able to handle the crappy things a little better. Maybe. Can't hurt to try, right?

Ready?

I'm not ready to start trying again. I am still not over Bear. I mean I get that I'll never be over it completely and that it will be with me forever. But I do think there is a period of serious grief and then just the lifelong live with it grief. I'm definitely not over my serious grief. This week has been a really hard week. I can't stop thinking about everything I've lost. Not only did I lose Bear, but I lost hope, I lost some of my naivety, I may well have lost a friend over this, I lost my innocent belief that I would have a healthy happy baby, I lost a lot. I think I might be handling the loss of Bear okay at this point, it's just the other things that have started to be harder. It does take a certain amount of innocence to happily get through a pregnancy. Now I'll be a mess the whole time (if I get a whole time). That's so not fair to me or my future little one. I had a friend that wasn't nearly as supportive as I would have imagined. She admitted it to me yesterday. What kind of friend does that? I'm sorry but I'm not sure I can get over it. I go through the hardest thing in my life ever and you treat it like it's no big deal. I need some time to heal from that for sure if I ever am able to get over it. We'll see I guess.

8 weeks. I should be better by now right? Not getting worse? Time is flying by. I honestly can't believe 8 weeks has gone by. It feels like yesterday, it feels like forever......I don't know how to explain it.

Life just isn't fair. I hate that I feel like I'm back to square one. Perhaps it's only my menstrual hormones that are doing this to me. Even if that's the only reason I've been so down, it still isn't good. I've decided if I'm still feeling like this after 2 more months I'm going to go seek help from a professional. Perhaps medicate until I can regulate a bit. I can't handle feeling like this much longer. I'm sitting at my office desk crying and writing this. I just want to feel halfway back to normal.

Clockwork

Yep, that's right, my period is like clockwork. I was hopeful that my cycle was back on track, but in my heart of hearts I secretly knew it would be all messed up and not come when I expected. But here it is. Yet again on track. Just like last month after the D & E. I think it was a 25 day cycle this time. Usually I'm between 25 and 26 days so it was right on track. Temping and charting begins tomorrow! OPK's in like 5 to 8 days I think. I'm pretty sure I read I was supposed to start testing at cycle day 8 with a 25 day cycle. So here we go. Cycle One of TTC for baby number 2. Please send me good thoughts, love and prayers if you are so inclined to do so.

8

It's been 8 weeks since I found out Bear was gone. I'm crying at work right now. Things have been so mixed up lately. Friday night I drank a little too much and became extremely depressed. Not a good mixture huh? Alcohol and depression? I didn't really do it on purpose, just had one too many glasses. It was a dark and scary place to be. I vow to not drink that much again. It just wasn't healthy and the dark thoughts were not good.

Then I had pretty good days on Saturday and Sunday. I hung out with family and drank some more, but this time it was responsible drinking. Nothing scary!

Now today, I'm back on the depressed path. 8 weeks. How did 8 weeks go by? Are we seriously talking about trying again? Can I really deal with that yet? I don't really feel ready, but I'm so scared to wait. If this chromosome issue was age related how do I wait one second longer than I have to? We conceived Bear on our first month of trying. What if the next baby takes months? I feel like I don't have a choice. But ultimately I'm also worried about timing. What if I try this month and this egg has a chromosome issue, but next month's wouldn't. There is no way to know. It's like playing Russian roulette with my child's life. I have no clue what to do. I'm scared to try again and end up in this same place. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm not sure I would survive that. Book me a bed in a mental facility if I lose another baby because I'll need it.

Will I resent this baby if we get pregnant and all goes well? Why would that be fair that Bear didn't get to live but this baby does?

J still feels it too. He doesn't really talk about it anymore, but I know he is still sad. He's been moody and cranky. That's his way of dealing. I feel so bad for him because men are expected to handle it differently. We say things to each other that hurt each other's feelings. We fight. It sucks. I want to stop with that part of this. I can't imagine a better person to have been through all of this with. I know we will get over it, but the time it's taking is really not helping.

Anyway....I'm sad. I miss Bear. I miss my pregnant tummy. I miss thinking about baby stuff.

Exhausted

Prior to my pregnancy and losing Bear I had unlimited amounts of energy. I taught 6 aerobic classes a week, worked several jobs and still had time to knit, read, and hang out. I have no idea how I did it. Now, my energy is severely limited. I don't really get it. What happened to my unlimited energy? I come home from work now and just get in bed. I don't teach any aerobics any more. I also don't do much else. Yet I'm so exhausted.

All I can figure is that it's just from being depressed. I'm not positive....of course, I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose myself. And some days are better than others. I might have more energy one day than the next. If I had to come up with a number I would say I have about 40% of the energy I used to have. Some days maybe I have 60% of the energy I used to have, and then there are the days where I have about 20%. It's not good. Yesterday, after I got home from work, I cleaned the house and did laundry and was exhausted. Seriously exhausted. Like all I could do was lay in bed. I could barely keep my eyes open to read the book I was reading.

Spring is finally starting to kick in. The weather is a little warmer, the sun is still not really peeking out too much, but I can tell it's on its way. Maybe with the increase in sunlight and vitamin D I'll get some more energy? Maybe with an increase in outdoor exercise once it actually gets warm I'll get more energy? Who knows. I thought I would be doing a bit better than I am by now. I hope that is true as the weeks wear on.

Apathy

I find myself being pretty apathetic to many things. I just can't muster up the energy to care. I think it's okay though. In the past I maybe cared just a bit too much. I tended to be kind of uptight and high strung. Now I'm a bit more laid back. I doubt this is a full personality change. More of a situational issue. But it is nice to care less. For example, I'm taking two Master's level courses. In the past my grades were of utmost importance. I had to turn everything in early, I worked really hard on projects, and cared a lot about how I was doing. Now, I honestly don't care too much. I'm getting the work done and meeting requirements, but I sure don't see it as a priority. It's great not being stressed out about it! I actually like it!

I see it in other areas also. I don't return phone calls (I know it's not nice, but sometimes I just don't feel like talking). My housework is falling waaaaay behind. I haven't made that appointment I said I would make to get my car looked at. I haven't made the vet appointment I said I would make. Apathy is my friend. Crazy huh?

It's been 7 weeks. I would have been 26 weeks with only 14 to go. My second period *should* start sometime next week. I ordered some cheapie ovulation predictor tests off of Amazon as well as a BBT thermometer. I plan to hardcore chart and plan this next month. If I don't get pregnant right away I want to be ready with charts and temps to see why not or to plan better for future months. I didn't chart or temp at all last time. I just kind of tracked my period on an app on my ipod and got lucky. I'm no longer willing to get lucky--especially since it ended up not being so lucky. My only worry is that what if I try so hard and the ONE month we get pregnant is another bad egg month????? What if??? UGH. Maybe the only thing I'm not apathatic about right now.

Time

Time seems to be passing fairly quickly for me. It's been 6 week since I had the D & E today. I can't believe it's been that long. The really raw pain has definitely subsided, but now I've fallen into just a dull depression kind of pain. It's hard to describe. The raw pain was almost easier in a way. I could cry, get angry, yell, stay in bed all day etc. This dull depression is much harder. For example, last night I got home from work around 4p.m. I had no motivation to do anything. So I went to bed. I stayed there pretty much all night. I bought a new Kindle Book for my Ipod and I read. Until about 9:30 when I actually tried to go to sleep. I seriously stayed in bed from 4p.m. to 5:45a.m. More than 12 hours. I also have trouble focusing at work, at home and with others. I think of something I need to do and then two days later I remember that I didn't do it. Not a good thing when trying to keep a job you are already worried about losing. I work on a college campus and money is really tight. We are definitely facing budget cuts and loss of jobs. I'm not being targeting at this time, but if anyone knew how lethargic I was at my workplace it might be an issue. People do understand what's going on with me, but how long will they put up with it?

I really found it easier when I was crying all the time and barely able to leave the house. Now that I've rejoined the real world it's just harder. I think part of it is my inability to be in the real world and the other part is what people expect of me. Don't get me wrong, I do have real moments of joy. But, mostly I have real moments of apathy. To everything.

All of this worries me because we are talking about trying again. I thought I would be ready. J asked me last night when my period would come again so we could start trying after. I was kind of vague with him. I want to try, I need to try, but I know I'm probably not emotionally ready. I think I probably will try even if I'm not ready. What if it takes months to get pregnant? What if I'm just getting too old? What if this next month is the ONE good egg I have left? It's just too scary to wait even though I might not actually be ready.

I'm so frustrated. People are having babies all around me. My best friend is pregnant with her second, a former employee of mine is due any day, someone very close to me is attempting to get pregnant, and plenty of my FB friends are pregnant. I'm faced with the happiness of others about their pregnancy many times a day. I actually am dealing with that part of it pretty well. But it still makes me ache. I should be 25 weeks pregnant with only 15 weeks to go. I don't want to have to start trying again, have a two week wait until we can pee on a stick, then once we find out go through all of the weeks again. Ugh. It's exhausting just to think about. And then imagining another loss breaks my heart. I seriously don't think I would survive it. Maybe I would physically survive it, but I'm not sure my emotional state could handle it. I'm not sure I would ever be able to try again. Some people experience many losses and just keep trying. I guess you have to weigh your want for a baby against your pain at losing one.

Well, let's see if I can get through the day. Here we go.

Counting

I consider it progress that I didn't wake up today and immediately think "It's been 6 weeks now since I found out Bear had no heartbeat. I should be 25 weeks along today." Obviously I thought it later on in the day, but it wasn't the first thing I thought of. I think that's a healing thing, that it isn't the first thing that comes to me any longer. I continue to count the days/weeks etc. But at least it's not the first thing I think of in the morning.

That's all I've got today.....

Changes

It's so interesting to me that my body is pretty much back to normal. I have no evidence of ever being pregnant physically. My belly is smaller, my breasts are back to normal and I didn't end up with stretch marks or anything like that.

I have realized there are a few subtle changes though. First of all, I just realized today that I now have ovulation spotting. I didn't even realize this was possible. It happened last month after the D & E and also this month. Last month I thought it was just more bleeding due to the procedure. The bleeding started about 2 weeks after the procedure, and they had said to expect about 2-4 weeks of bleeding potentially. So when I only bled for a few days and then started back up again two weeks later I didn't think too much of it. Now though, I have had a regular period. It lasted 4 days. Now 5 days after that regular period I'm spotting again. I did a bit of research and found out that ovulation bleeding is uncommon, but it does happen. That would be pretty on track for me. I tend to have really short cycles so right now is about the right time. I also noticed EWCM (which I also noticed last month), which for anyone trying to conceive, is another signal of ovulation. So together these two things lead me to believe that I am ovulating and my cycle is pretty much back to normal. Well not totally normal, since I never had ovulation bleeding before. But seriously? An actual physical signal to show I'm ovulating? I'll take it! It might make getting pregnant again that much easier.

Another weird change is that my skin is a bit better. I've never had good skin. I break out and have acne. Seriously, I'm 35 and I still get zits like I'm 15. Very frustrating. But, since losing the pregnancy my skin has been pretty okay. Certainly not perfect, but no large breakouts. I'm going to knock on wood now, especially since I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating which is right about the time I would normally have a breakout...a few weeks before my period. I have no idea why this would be the case. Something to do with the hormones I guess?

Other than that, I'm back to normal. Right after losing Bear, I lost about 15 pounds because I wasn't eating. Then I ended up on the opposite end of the spectrum and binged a bit out of grief and depression I guess. So I gained about 10 of those pounds back. Awesome. So now I'm on a diet. I would like to be a bit thinner before getting pregnant again so I don't worry about my weight and putting on pounds. I might even delay the trying for a month so I can focus on getting healthy. We'll see.....

Overwhelmed

I'm pretty overwhelmed right now. I'm tired of real life. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of feeling everything. I'm just overwhelmed. I'm still crying everyday. Not always about Bear. In fact today at 7:28a.m., I've cried twice already. Once because of the stupid lady that killed her 3 children (more on that later) and once because of being frustrated with my husband. I don't cry that much everyday by 7:28a.m., but it's not unheard of.

I'm scared I'll get fired from my work because sometimes I have a hard time focusing. I mean I'm getting my job done (barely), but I'm not going above and beyond that's for sure. It's like I'm supposed to be back to normal and do everything just like I did before. The same goes for everything. I'm taking two graduate level classes and I'm pretty much just doing the bare minimum at this point. I used to be so anal retentive about getting an A. Now I barely care if I pass. Pretty sad. I mean I guess I care, but honestly I don't care if I get a B or a C. As long as I don't have to retake the course who cares. I'm really realizing what's important in life. And now that I'm realizing, I feel like I have little tolerance for crap. J and I have now started fighting a lot. I get frustrated because he is "back to normal." I am not back to normal. I don't want to be back to normal. I want to know my life has changed. I don't want to fall back into old patterns and habits. I think that just totally invalidates Bear's life. It pisses me off. Not to mention, I'm sure he's seeking a bit of attention from me since I am a bit distant and off these days. So I get frustrated by the attention seeking and I lash out. Yeah. Awesome.

Okay so back to the lady that killed her kids. I read that story this morning and flipped out. Here is a link:

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/04/12/national/main20053385.shtml

Yeah. Seriously? So this lady is so depressed or upset or whatever that she drives herself and her four kids into a river? WTF? I get the whole depressed thing. I'm depressed now. I get thinking it might be better for it all to be over rather than go on with your life. I get it. But to kill your 3 kids in the process? I don't get. In fact it pisses me off so much I wish I could beat the crap out of that lady. Oh wait...she's dead...right. So the universe doesn't deem me worthy of living children right now, but that lady got FOUR??? FOUR kids? That she killed (3 of them anyway)? One got away. Luckily little guy. I'm so happy for him. I hope he survives all this intact. How screwed up is that? You have to live knowing your mom tried to kill you? I thought I had a shitty childhood, but this kid's story will definitely trump mine.

I just don't understand anything. I used to believe in some sort of fate in the universe. Some sort of sense. Not so much God, as I don't have much faith in the religious systems, but more like a plan. Yeah, like the Universe has some sort of cosmic plan for us and it all will make sense. Everything happens for some sort of cosmic reason. Now? I think that's a load of crap. What reason could there be for this lady to kill her kids while mine dies? Screw that. Life is just fucking random. There is no rhyme or reason. Shit just happens. I think Forrest Gump had it right.

Email

I signed up for those emails that send you what week you are. Today I received my "24 Week" email. I went to the website and asked to be taken off their mailing list. I also clicked on the unsubscribe button on the email. I'm still getting them. WTH?

Here is what the email says:

Hello, Amy!
Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up. His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon.

Nice huh? Just what a woman who lost her baby wants to see. Yes, I want to read all about how my baby is growing.....(insert sarcasm here). They should definitely make it easier to unsubscribe from those emails. I just went and tried to unsubscribe again and all the boxes I had unclicked to try to unsubscribe in the past were clicked again. So I did it once more. Why on earth do they make it so hard to unsubscribe?

Yes, the email is painful. I am actually starting to heal. 5 weeks since the D & E. It depends on the day, but I'm doing okay. Yesterday I had a bad day. I sometimes have days where I just can't get engaged in life. I was tired and just didn't care to take part in anything going on around me. I was useless at work and useless at home. I basically did nothing. Not a good day. Today seems like a better day. It just depends. But overall, there are probably more okay days than not.

I so just want to be pregnant. I want a swelling belly and all of the joy that brings. I want to know that in so many weeks I'll get the baby and all of the wonderful stuff that goes along with it. I want a baby shower and people making comments about my huge belly. Why is that so much to ask?

Technically I can start trying in about 5 weeks. 4ish weeks until my next period and then a week or two until ovulation. J is still not convinced we should start trying so soon. I'm scared it will take us longer than a month to get pregnant this time and that will be another stress for me. It seriously only took us one try to get pregnant last time. Obviously that didn't make me quite as lucky as I thought. It was the wrong month I guess. I'm not really sure how that works. It seems like it's the egg that is released that has the abnormalities usually. So in that one month the egg I released was bad. So now my odds are 1 in 100 for this happening again. I'm trying to figure out if that means that 1 in 100 women who have a baby after having one with a chromosome issue will have another issue. Or if it means that 1 in 100 times that I release an egg there will be an issue. Or is it all the same thing? Hmm...not sure.

I am very scared for it to happen again. I really don't think I would survive it mentally. I'm really struggling with all of the testing options now. Should I get the 11 week CVS just so I can have peace of mind? Should we forgo all testing and just pretend everything will be fine? Who knows. I'm leaning towards testing though. I just worry about the miscarriage rate. As badly as I want a baby I can't imagine putting the baby in any danger. But I also can't imagine carrying a baby to 19 weeks again without knowing anything is wrong. I would rather be prepared.

I've been in the situation several times where people don't know what's happened. Monday night I was at a banquet and the woman sitting next to me asked when I was due. I assume she had heard it through the grapevine and not that I was just really fat LOL. I had to explain to her that I had lost the baby. She shared with me that her sister had lost 3 babies late in her pregnancies and she knew how painful it was. I find that is one of the hardest things to deal with. People who don't know what happened. It's definitely hard to have to explain.

I'm kind of just rambling today. Now I'm moving on to what to do about telling people next time we get pregnant. I think I'll hold off until people just guess. I'll wait until I'm pretty big. The problem with that is that last time I started to show really early. At 11 weeks I had people asking me about my pregnancy. I'm not a small girl by any means, but I'm fit and muscular. I think my stomach just popped out really quickly. Looking at those later photos of my belly with Bear, I was definitely noticably pregnant. I mean if you didn't know me you might think I was just fat, but probably would have suspicions I was pregnant. I've heard that with your second you start showing even more quickly because your uterus knows what to do and pops out earlier. So yea, I don't plan on making a big announcement. I plan on it just sort of being figured out by people. Other than my close family of course. I'll tell them after the 12 weeks is up. It's so sad that you have to do this though. That the pregnancy won't be as fun and exciting. It's really tragic.

I miss Bear so much.