Well that sucks

Looks like I'm having my first anovulatory month since I started charting. What's the deal with that? This is the worst time. I'm emotional about not having my baby for Christmas like I planned, I'm surrounded by pregnant people and I'm not pregnant. On top of all of that I have to deal with cycle where I didn't ovulate? What the hell? Either that or my thermometer is psycho, but the odds of that are pretty low considering it's always been on track before and the batteries aren't low. So why now? Why this cycle? What is going on that I've charted for about a year and now I get no ovulation? I had 2 positive OPKs and then my temps went wacky. Check it out: My Ovulation Chart What do you think?

Fingers Crossed

Well I'm now officially in the 2WW. It seems I probably O'd yesterday. I had a huge temp drop yesterday and a spike today. I mean my temp was like 96.9 which is very low for me, I tend to run really hot. Then today it was 98.4. So yea, that seems like an O to me. So 1dpo it looks like. Keep your fingers crossed for me for a Christmas BFP and not a Christmas AF. I'm not so sure I can handle more BFNs. Christmas is hard enough. I should be bringing a baby to all of the celebrations, I should be making holiday cards with our baby and I should be getting sweet little gifts for a baby. Instead I'm sad, tired and frustrated with our newest TTC. Seriously 5 months??? What happened to our one month and three month tries? Why is it taking longer?

BFN

I hate those stark white pee sticks with only one pink line. I HATE THEM. I felt like we did everything right this month. Lots of BD on the right days and still a BFN. I just want to be pregnant. I'm really starting to get down about this as people that had a loss around the same time I did are now pregnant and almost due. It just seems so unfair. Or people are pregnant with babies that would be about as far along as I would have been with my second loss. It all just sucks. So anyway I'm CD7 now. I saw a new OB/GYN last week. She basically told me to relax. She said she would start testing for infertility if I wanted and do all of the testing you have to do before going to an RE, but I knew it probably wasn't the right thing quite yet. I'm clearly NOT infertile as I've been pregnant twice in the last year. So I guess I'll take her advice and try to relax. It's so much easier said than done. She even suggested I throw away the thermometer and just use OPKs instead. She said she thinks temping can cause more stress than it helps. Have I thrown my thermometer away? Of course not. I'm trying to control an impossible situation and do not want to give up even one piece of control that I might have. Relax? Yeah right.....

Hmmm...

Well Another positive OPK. This isn't looking good. CD 15 is the latest O has occurred according to my fertility friend cycle statistics. So if it doesn't happen today then I'm really off in terms of when I ovulate and my luteal phase. My temp was 97.9 today and 97.6 yesterday so not even enough of a jump to assume that O occurred yesterday. So hopefully today is O day and tomorrow is 1DPO with a clear temp rise. I hate to say this, but I'm tired of feeling forced to BD you know? So I guess we should probably BD again tonight and probably tomorrow just to make sure. I was hoping we were off the hook after last night. Although this all may be in vain anyway because 4 days of OPK is not a great sign. I checked a few sites and it sounds like your body prepares to O and then something happens and it doesn't so it just keeps trying. Out of the months I've been using OPK (maybe 6 months?) I've never had this happen before. I usually get one or two clear positives and then a negative. Oh well nothing I can do except keep BDing.

oh and.....

Oops. I have more to say today! So I just wanted to say that next time I post I would like to write a letter to Bear. My counselor suggested talking/writing to him and seeing how it feels. I'm not going to do it today, but I'll save it for a time I feel more able to be emotionally vulnerable!

November

Well it's November. One year into my TTC journey. Two pregnancies and two losses later I want a baby more than ever. Technically at this point it's been 7 months of actively trying to conceive and about 5 months of actually being pregnant. It SUCKS. So let's all cross our fingers and hope this is the month! Here is this month's + OPK. I'm a bit concerned because everything I've read says one to two days of + are good any more can signal a problem. This is my third day of +OPK. Today is the darkest, but the others were dark too. It's hard to tell in the picture, but it is a +. The other two days of + were just about the same color as the control line while today's was a bit darker. So maybe today's OPK was the true positive? Who knows. Lots and lots of BD this month so at least the chances are just as good as any other month. Here is a link to my chart in case you like to chart stalk: My Ovulation Chart

Disappointed

Yep, I've been absent for a while haven't I? I've been seeing a counselor and I think that takes away some of my urge to blog. I mull over my problems with her. She's doing a great job helping me reframe things, but I'm still pretty much in the same place emotionally. No big breakthroughs or anything. This month sucks. So here we are. Month 2 of TTC for the 3rd time. It is probably not going to happen this month. Poor J has been very sick. It's so hard for me to reconcile the fact that it's okay that he's sick and I feel bad for him, with the fact that it screws up our chance at TTC this month. I'm not at all mad at him, although I think he has a hard time understanding that. I'm just disappointed in the process. It sucks. Five days give or take per month that it's possible to get pregnant (in terms of how long sperm lives, etc..., we all know technically there is only one day the egg is released, but you know what I mean right?)? So if someone is sick for those 5 days you are pretty much out for the month and have to wait a cycle. There is a slim, slim chance because I did talk him into BD one day when he was feeling a tiny bit better. But then I felt like a raper almost. I know that sounds awful, but he wasn't into it and you know he was just doing it for me. It made me feel awful.....but I did it anyway. Does that make me a horrible person? I wanted this month not to be an entire waste. I needed to say we at least tried. It makes me feel better. I'm so obsessive aren't I? I think I'm 1dpo today. So 10-12ish days of waiting and then on to another cycle most likely. I'm not to keen on getting my BFP next month, but there's no way I'm sitting it out. November is when we got pregnant with Bear and our due dates and milestones would be similar. I'm not sure how I would deal with that.