Another Month...

Well after an anovulatory month that lasted 33 days and then a short cycle that lasted 16 days with O on like day 4 or something. Here I am. Hoping for a normal cycle with a normal O and a month I can at least feel like we got a good try in. We are kind of trying SMEP. The every other day after day 8 and then 3 in a row once you get the +OPK. We'll see how that goes. So my OPK is almoooost positive today. The kind of almost that makes me think it will be positive either later today or tomorrow. He's for hoping stress can be kept down so that I O properly and don't have another anovulatory month. Here's a pic of the OPK!

Just Relax

How many of you in the TTC world have heard the words "just relax" before? From your doctor? Your friends? Well-meaning strangers? I'm so tired of those two little words. From an anovulatory cycle to what seems like constant fighting with my husband I'm beyond just relaxing. I'm basically at anxiety level so high it's a code red. Right now my stomach hurts I'm so stressed out. I'm sitting at my desk at work on a Saturday night typing a blog post because my husband and I had it out yet again. This time over money. It's always a series of themes, but this is a recurring one for sure in our household. Why don't the people in our lives see that at this point nothing matters? Not money, not what's going on in the world, not what other people are doing--what matters is getting pregnant. Period. Why put undue stress on me over stuff that doesn't matter. Leave me the F alone and let me focus on getting pregnant. He doesn't worry about that crap like I do. I mean don't get me wrong, I know he thinks about it, but does he worry about ovulation and timing and temperatures? Heck no. I'm the woman. That's my job to worry about. Ugh. Should there be some sort of modern day axiom of not angry blogging? You know like don't drink and text? How about don't get mad and blog? I think I blog best when I'm sad or angry though. This whole blog was born out of sadness and has slowly over time grown into frustration and anger. And you know what? My counselor says it's okay to be frustrated and it's okay to be angry and it's okay to feel shitty when someone has a baby. Because they are having babies left and right. I just want to scream. Or maybe throw something. And then there is my husband conveniently picking a fight with me. So he becomes the object of my anger. When really he isn't the object of my anger, he's just standing there with a convenient reason for me to get pissing mad. You know? Or maybe you don't.

Well that sucks

Looks like I'm having my first anovulatory month since I started charting. What's the deal with that? This is the worst time. I'm emotional about not having my baby for Christmas like I planned, I'm surrounded by pregnant people and I'm not pregnant. On top of all of that I have to deal with cycle where I didn't ovulate? What the hell? Either that or my thermometer is psycho, but the odds of that are pretty low considering it's always been on track before and the batteries aren't low. So why now? Why this cycle? What is going on that I've charted for about a year and now I get no ovulation? I had 2 positive OPKs and then my temps went wacky. Check it out: My Ovulation Chart What do you think?

Fingers Crossed

Well I'm now officially in the 2WW. It seems I probably O'd yesterday. I had a huge temp drop yesterday and a spike today. I mean my temp was like 96.9 which is very low for me, I tend to run really hot. Then today it was 98.4. So yea, that seems like an O to me. So 1dpo it looks like. Keep your fingers crossed for me for a Christmas BFP and not a Christmas AF. I'm not so sure I can handle more BFNs. Christmas is hard enough. I should be bringing a baby to all of the celebrations, I should be making holiday cards with our baby and I should be getting sweet little gifts for a baby. Instead I'm sad, tired and frustrated with our newest TTC. Seriously 5 months??? What happened to our one month and three month tries? Why is it taking longer?

BFN

I hate those stark white pee sticks with only one pink line. I HATE THEM. I felt like we did everything right this month. Lots of BD on the right days and still a BFN. I just want to be pregnant. I'm really starting to get down about this as people that had a loss around the same time I did are now pregnant and almost due. It just seems so unfair. Or people are pregnant with babies that would be about as far along as I would have been with my second loss. It all just sucks. So anyway I'm CD7 now. I saw a new OB/GYN last week. She basically told me to relax. She said she would start testing for infertility if I wanted and do all of the testing you have to do before going to an RE, but I knew it probably wasn't the right thing quite yet. I'm clearly NOT infertile as I've been pregnant twice in the last year. So I guess I'll take her advice and try to relax. It's so much easier said than done. She even suggested I throw away the thermometer and just use OPKs instead. She said she thinks temping can cause more stress than it helps. Have I thrown my thermometer away? Of course not. I'm trying to control an impossible situation and do not want to give up even one piece of control that I might have. Relax? Yeah right.....

Hmmm...

Well Another positive OPK. This isn't looking good. CD 15 is the latest O has occurred according to my fertility friend cycle statistics. So if it doesn't happen today then I'm really off in terms of when I ovulate and my luteal phase. My temp was 97.9 today and 97.6 yesterday so not even enough of a jump to assume that O occurred yesterday. So hopefully today is O day and tomorrow is 1DPO with a clear temp rise. I hate to say this, but I'm tired of feeling forced to BD you know? So I guess we should probably BD again tonight and probably tomorrow just to make sure. I was hoping we were off the hook after last night. Although this all may be in vain anyway because 4 days of OPK is not a great sign. I checked a few sites and it sounds like your body prepares to O and then something happens and it doesn't so it just keeps trying. Out of the months I've been using OPK (maybe 6 months?) I've never had this happen before. I usually get one or two clear positives and then a negative. Oh well nothing I can do except keep BDing.

oh and.....

Oops. I have more to say today! So I just wanted to say that next time I post I would like to write a letter to Bear. My counselor suggested talking/writing to him and seeing how it feels. I'm not going to do it today, but I'll save it for a time I feel more able to be emotionally vulnerable!