This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

And update!

On this day it seems appropriate to finally post an update. Two years ago today we found out that our baby, Bear, at 19 weeks was no longer alive. We made plans to deliver him and then spent the next two years dealing with his loss. I'm still dealing with it. Every day.

I last posted when I was still pregnant with pregnancy #3. I stopped posting because I was just so terrified and that's all I had to write about. It was okay when I was just sad, but for some reason the terror of losing another pregnancy late had me completely messed up. I was certain that I would never see that baby. Absolutely certain. I knew that I would be sad and dealing with yet another loss. I had no other way to feel. It was impossible to be excited or sure that I would have a baby. I couldn't process that it might actually happen. Even during labor I had a hard time. It wasn't until he was born via c-section after 36 long hours that I realized I was having a baby. He was there. And the words every mom wants to hear--he was PERFECT. Absolutely perfect. I am finally a mom to a baby here on earth. It's amazing and wonderful and so very fulfilling.

Jameson John was born on 10/27/12 at 2:26 in the afternoon and weighed 8 pounds, 14.7 ounces. The Ceserean was necessary because my water broke and my labor wasn't progressing. After 36 hours the doctor told me I had no choice. The c section was pretty rough and it turned out Jameson was sort of stuck in my pelvis-which is why my labor didn't progress.

I would like to talk about all of the awesome joys and challenges of parenting-but I'll be back another day to do that. Right now, it's about Bear. Even finally having a baby in my life I still think about Bear. I'll put Jameson in an outfit that was meant for Bear and I tell Jameson about it. I explain to him that he's wearing a special outfit that belonged to his brother. I cry. I get mad and I still hurt. But I'm also grateful. Jameson is perfect. I wouldn't have had him without all of this heartache. I would have had a different baby. A 19 month old by now. A baby with special needs. It's interesting because my husband has always mourned a "perfect" baby. I've always mourned the baby I actually carried. Bear. With T21. An extra chromosome that would have made him special. I mourn that. I'm sure it would have been tough being a mom to a kid with special needs. I'm sure we would have struggled with the decision to have any more kids after that. I'm grateful that Jameson is perfect, which makes me feel guilty too. It's so crazy all of the emotions that come with this! It absoultely helps to have a happy, healthy baby. But it definitely doesn't make it 100% better.

I'm so grateful for every moment of the last 2 1/2 years. I carried 3 babies. Only one made it, but I still think about the other 2 often. I know that the pain and struggle of this process is helping me appreciate every exhausting moment of taking care of a newborn. I LOVE being a mom. Jameson smiles when I walk into the room and my heart melts. Without the struggle would the reward have been so sweet? I don't know, but I do know it's not fair. Even though I appreciate every moment and love my baby with every ounce of my being--I hate that it came at a cost. That two other babies had to not be here on earth with me to get to this point. Human reproduction sucks. That's just it. My first ob/gyn told me that "pregnancy is inefficient." At the time he really pissed me off. But now I get it. I've heard so many stories of loss and heartache and have seen that this type of thing is actually normal. The people who have it easy and can pop out kids with no problems and no issues--they are the ones that are abnormal. Seriously. 1 in 4 people have a miscarriage. That's a lot of people. And on top of that don't even get me started on the non-miscarriages but millions of things that can go wrong during a pregnancy. The EIF, positive risk screens, etc. So many things to deal with. there it is. I'm alive and well and parenting a super happy 4 month old. Want to see some pictures? Of course you do! Here they are :)!

Here is Jameson at 4 months and one week old! Super happy kiddo!

This picture with the crown is Jameson's newborn photo.  He was about 2 weeks old!  The photo below is on his 4 month birthday!

This picture was at about 3 months.

Yes, life is good.  But it's also bittersweet isn't it?