This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

It's a.....BOY

Sorry to wait so long between posts! May is a busy time for me at work and I didn't have much spare time at work or at home!

We had our 20 week ultrasound on June 4th with a specialist. The day started out pretty crappy. I had scheduled our appointment 8 weeks prior. I had it listed as 11:30a.m. in my phone. J and I were up and ready to go pretty early and were just waiting to leave. At about 10:20, right before we were planning on leaving, I received a phone call from my regular OB's office. They said that we no showed on our ultrasound and wanted to know what was going on. I explained that our appointment was at 11:30 and we weren't late. So I ended up having to call the specialist and we argued for a few minutes about the time. Finally I said "there's no way I would deliberately miss this appointment. At this point it doesn't matter what time it was supposed to be, we need to know if we can be seen." They said if we could get there right away they would try to fit us in. We live like 45 minutes away so we rushed out the door and made it in about 30 minutes. Yeah, we might have sped a bit!!

Once we arrived they got us right in. At that point J and I were cranky, I was crying and we were so stressed. So to begin with this experience wasn't quite what I would have chosen for us!

Right away the Dr. said he saw the HB and my anxiety dropped a few notches. We found out we lost Bear at our anatomy ultrasound and I think we were both expecting bad news. I just knew that things were going to be bad and we were going to go home sad. But, I was wrong. The baby's heart was still beating. The Dr. also said right away he didn't see boy parts. He ended up being wrong though I guess. He said the baby was in a really bad position. He was breech, and he was squished up against my placenta (which is still in the wrong place) and uterus and it was hard to get a good angle. So ultimately he decided he thought he saw a scrotum and a penis. So we are going for boy at this point!

Of course, nothing can just be all good. I so wanted 100% good news with no worries. I didn't get it. I still have placenta previa where my placenta is completely covering my cervix. It hasn't moved at all since week 12 and might have gotten a bit worse. I'm just going to be excited that it means more ultrasounds for monitoring. We go back in 8 weeks to recheck. I guess if it doesn't move we are looking at a Csection. I'm terrified of a Csection, but will endure what I need to in order to get my little guy out!

So finally, the doctor starts checking out the heart. He indicates that there is a "bright spot" or an echogenic focus on the heart. He immiediately says "This can raise the odds for a DS pregnancy." My heart dropped. We've been through this. We've had a DS pregnancy. We lost our T21 baby and are devestated about the loss. I couldn't believe we might have to go through something like that again. The Dr. said the nurse could recalcuate our odds from our integrated screening. So the odds went from 1 in 3100 to 1 in 1900. I know it seems crazy to continue to worry with odds that great, but I just can't help it. After being the ONE (two times in a row), it's hard to imagine fate passing us by and letting us be one of the 1900.

The doctor was in a hurry and wanted to leave for the day. I did feel like it was a little rushed. He left the room left me to get dressed. When I came back out he was back in the room and said he just realized I would be a good candidate for the Harmony test, which they were just starting to offer. In fact if I agreed I would be their first patient, because they didn't even have the paperwork or anything yet. They were going to figure all of that out and get back to me.

At first I was eager to get that done. J sort of talked me out of it though and I think he's right. We are now committed to this pregnancy. We are 21 weeks. I could not live with myself if I terminated a baby at 21 weeks. It would be even later by the time we did the test and got the results. So by then we might be out of the range of termination anyway. But even so, we had already decided not to terminate. I was willing to carry any baby as long as I could. Whether it had a fatal prenatal diagnosis or abnormal chromosomes we were committed. So the test would only give us more to worry about. If there were more health issues involved or more soft markers maybe we would do testing, but at this point he looks healthy. Often the EF is nothing. Tons of babies have it and are born just fine. The research I've done looks like between 5-10% of babies have this. The DS connection comes in becuase up to 30% of DS babies have the EF. But it's not a direct connection. Babies with and WITHOUT DS have this EF. So I'm hoping that the screening bloodwork works for us just like it did with Bear. With Bear it came out positivie and he did have DS. I'm hoping that with this LO it came out negative and those results will turn out to be spot on!

Now I just need to get through 19 more weeks :)!

Monday, May 14, 2012

I'm crazy

My doctor tried to temper my "crazy" a bit today. I had an appoinment just less than 2 weeks ago for a yeast infection. She suggested I push my appointment back that I had today and I told her I wanted to come in since I was getting ready to travel to Colorado and becuase we are in the time frame in terms of weeks when we lost Bear. She let me come in mostly because of the travel I think.

Well today I saw her, the baby's HB was 150 and everything looks okay. She told me to come back in 4 weeks, or to just make an appointment on the same day I see the perinatologist (3 weeks) if I wanted to combine appointments. I asked her if I could come in before our perinatologist appointment. She explained that there was no need and that I should be coming in every 4 weeks. I tried to explain to her my stress level and how crazy I was about the baby being okay at this point. With Bear I had an appointment at 16+ weeks, got the 2nd tri bloodwork and received a phone call around 18 weeks about the bloodwork being positive. We had the Level 2 ultrasound at 19 weeks. At that appointment we found out we had already lost him. So somewhere between 16+ weeks and 19 weeks our baby died. I am now 17 weeks and going crazy with concern. My doctor tried to explain that there was a specific reason (T21) that we lost the baby and that this baby looks fine so far. She quoted me my first trimester screen results and tried to reassure me. I appreciated her reassurance but also was stressed about the fact that she kind of almost dismissed my stress level. I get that she was honestly trying to be helpful, but good first trimester screen results don't mean crap. The baby can still die. There are a thousand things that can go wrong. I follow many BLM blogs and I've read many things about why people lose babies. It's not always genetic. There's still the 1% chance something could go wrong. And having been the less than 1% chance in the past I feel like I'll always be THE ONE. So anyway the whole point of this is that she urged me to visit in 3 weeks when I see the perinatologist. She basically said that if my crazy got the better of me in the meantime I could call the office and schedule an appointment to hear the HB.

So anyway. I'm still convinced something bad will happen. I'm just totally convinced. I fly to Colorado on Wed. morning. I'm half convinced the plane will crash. I'm never scared of flying, but all of the sudden for this trip I'm terrified. I'm so scared that now I have what I want we will both go down with the plane. Dumb huh? I was an aviation major with a pilot's license in college. I'm not scared of flying at all. Yet all of the sudden I'm terrified. I'm definitely going to overcome my fear and take the trip, but goodness all of this fear isn't good for me. So then I'm scared we will lose the baby really late to some cord accident or something. Or the placenta previa won't go away and will cause problems. Then I imagine we will actually have the baby but lose him to an infection or illness. I've become obsessed with stories of whooping cough and some herpes meningitis thing. I don't have whooping cough and have been vaccinated, but I'm worried about other people. I don't have herpes, but read this story about mom's who had their babies and then they got super sick within a week or two and ended up with some crazy form of herpes that inhabits the nervous system and causes all kinds of problems for babies. Most people have HSV1 (cold sore type herpes), I don't think I actually have it since I've never had a cold sore in my life, but what if I have a dormant version that ends up killing the baby? Or what if my family has it and kisses the baby? Or what about SIDS? I've been reading more and more stories of losses due to SIDS. Yes, I'm crazy. I just can't imagine a happy outcome. I can imagine multiple ways we could lose this sweet little baby, but my mind will not let me imagine a happy ending with him cuddling in my arms and smiling up at me. Does this make me crazy? Or just a mom who has had some bad luck?

In less crazy news I'm convinced that this baby is a boy. J is also. So won't we be surprised when it's a little girl LOL? Boy or girl we've decided on a nursery theme! J wanted animals. He said that it's a good way for the kids to start learning animals. I just hate the idea of those stupid cutsey zoo animals all over the place (no offense to anyone who has zoo animal nurseries LOL). So I googled animal themes and found some adorable woodland/forest nursery sets. Soooo cute. J and I love to hike, backpack and climb mountains so it's perfect for us! So excited. Also J's parents offered to purchase the nursery furniture for us which is a HUGE expense! So that's awesome.

I keep thinking I'll commit more fully after the 20 week ultrasound. I need to see that the baby is fine, that there aren't any obvious issus on the ultrasound before I can commit. I need to know if it's a boy or a girl so we can start thinking of names. I need to get past the point when we lost Bear so I can give my heart to this baby instead of wishing that we had Bear. It's hard and I don't know how many people get it, but a new pregnancy doesn't replace the lost baby. It almost makes it harder. I wanted Bear. I still do. I'm still sad. I'm crying as I write this. I love the new baby, but can't commit my entire heart to him until I know for sure he wil live. Which is dumb becuase it's not fair. This baby deserves every ounce of love I have to give. I hope that at the 20 week ultrasound no matter what happens I can figure all of that out. J and I have decided to commit to this pregnancy either way. Now if only I could figure out how to actually do that!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

16 Weeks

I just wanted to post a quick note so you knew I was still doing okay! We are 16+ weeks now and everything is still looking okay. I have to go in for my 2nd blood draw for the risk screening this week and I'm sort of anxious. That's how we found out there was going to be a problem with Bear. So this part makes me nervous. On top of that sometime between 16 and 19 weeks is when we lost Bear. So I'm going to be a mess these next few weeks.

I saw my doctor last week for a yest infection and she said I could cancel my appointment I had coming up on the 14th. I explained to her that I would prefer to be seen again for a couple of reasons. One, I'm getting really nervous. I need to hear that heart beat. And second, I'm going out of town to Colorado for a conference and want to make sure everything is okay before I get on a plane. She was kind of noncommittal and just told me to do what I wanted. She's really not great with bedside manner, but I'll give her a break on that because she really seems to know what she's doing.

I do have a home doppler, but I never feel super confident with it. I do hear the heartbeat on it, but then second guess myself and tell myself it was my own HB, or the placenta or whatever. Not sure why I do that. I'm also not really sure if I'm feeling movement or not yet. It's kind of hard to tell if it's digestion or movement. Hopefully in a few weeks it will be obvious.

I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that we get a baby in October. I still can't imagine that it will for real happen. I'm just holding my breath waiting for it all to get snatched away from me.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Can't stop crying!

Got our test results from the doctor today that combined the neck fold measurement and the blood work.

Risk for T21 1 in 1,100
Risk for T18 1 in 10,000

I am in my office at work and seriously cannot stop crying. My husband and I were both convinced we would get back crappy results that would require more agonizing and stress and decision making. Instead we get about the best odds you can get at my age.

I need to let go and just be happy. Well of course I can always stress about the second trimester screen, or maybe the placenta previa....or how about the other things that don't show up on an NT scan....someone save me from myself.

13 Weeks!

Last week we had our NT scan at 12 weeks 2 days. It went well. I really liked the doctor doing the scan and was very confident in him. He was compassionate, caring and kind. More than I could ask for in a doctor. He spent a ton of time with us because the baby wasn't in a good position to get the measurements. He ultimately came up with an NT measurement of 1 (which is great) and was never able to see the face well enough to find a nasal bone. He did check something with the heart that he said looks great. He said usually babies with T21 have some sort of wave form issue in the heart. So he checked it out and said it looked good.

Today I get the results of the blood test combined with the NT scan. I'm a little nervous, mostly becuase with Bear that's how we knew something was wrong. I never got the NT scan with him, just blood work.

The doctor told us several times that everything looked good and he didn't see anything to worry about. He urged me to stick with screening tests rather than diagnostic if I could handle not knowing for sure. He said that the NT, blood screens and 20 week scan should really give us a good picture of anything that might be wrong.

Even if something is wrong J and I had a coversation that no matter what happens we are committed to this baby. I admit we had thoughts of terminating for medical reasons in the past, but after what happened with Bear we both know we couldn't go through with it. I loved Bear. Even though he had an extra chromosome, I still loved him. I would have carried him another 19 weeks if I could have just to let him know how much I cared. So we will do whatever is needed and raise whatever baby the universe has given us. I feel pretty at peace with this decision and happy that we made it together. I think J has a bit more stress and anxiety over it, as he is a teacher and deals with special needs all day. I get that, but I'm glad he knows that I couldn't live with myself if we terminated. I think back to what happened with Bear and how depressed I was. Imagine if I'm the one that made the decision to end my baby's life, rather than fate. I just think the depression would have been a thousand times worse. I seriously may not have survived it. I do get why people make those decisions though and don't judge anyone else for making it. For me this is the right decision.

Hopefully it won't matter. I hope we will get our totally normal, totally genetically fine baby at 40 weeks in October!

I did find out why I was bleeding at 9 weeks though. Apparently I have placenta previa. A condition where the placenta is covering the cervix. Any trauma can cause bleeding and can be potentially harmful to both me and the baby. So no "intercourse" (as the doctor calls it), and no pelvic exams until we get our week 20 exam to see if it's taken care of itself. I guess it usually fixes itself and goes away, but sometimes it stays over the cervix. If that happens I'll need a C section and there are some risks of bleeding and needing a transfusion. I hope it will just right itself and leave no need to worry!

20 week ultrasound is scheduled for June 4th. It seems far away, and not that far away both at the same time!!

Monday, March 26, 2012

10 Weeks

So everything turned out mostly just fine last week. Let me explain.

Good news: Had an ultrasound. Baby was measuring 9 weeks 1 day (1 day ahead) and had a strong heart beat of 174. The spotting must have been from the pap or something.

Bad news: I told the OB/Gyn I wasn't feeling well and listed my symptoms. She suggested I had the flu and just take it easy. Well taking it easy sounds like good advice, but I had been running a fever for 2 days at that point and of course I had been looking on the internet about how fevers can affect your unborn child and there are lots of negative things out there. So on day 5 of the fever I saw my primary care doctor who prescribed me an antibiotic because on top of the flu I had bronchitis. She wanted me to call the OB/Gyn and make sure they were okay with the antibiotic. So I called them and they said they would call me back. It's now 5 days later and they never called me back so I'm going to have to call them today. As well as things had been going with this new doctor now I'm kind of annoyed they couldn't return a simple phone call.

Anyway, I'm still sick with a cough and am up basically all night hacking. I'm exhausted, my voice sounds like a dead horse and I came to work today because I've been off for a week and am afraid they might replace me.

So...things turned out okay with the baby, but this illness, the fever and all the tylenol and Mucinex I've been taking give me just one more long list of things I'm now worried about :)!

April 11th is our NT scan! I'm hoping that goes awesome and I can start to relax and maybe even announce this pregnancy at work and to the rest of my family and friends!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Ultrasound Tomorrow

My new awesome doctor was not too concerned about the spotting. But she still suggested we do an ultrasound tomorrow just to make sure. I'm so happy she's willing to put our minds at ease. I hope it's nothing, but I'm glad she's taking it seriously. This really makes it clear she's the right doc for me. Now though I'm also battling a fever. I've had mild cold/sore throat symptoms for 2 days. Then I took my temp at 5pm and it was 100.5. So I took 2 tylenol (I did mention cold to docs office and they went over approved meds) and my temp went up to 101.1 even with tylenol. So now I have a cold compress on my head and am hoping fever comes down. Hubby is out fetching approved cough syrup, hard candy for throat and mashed potatoes lol. I'll update you all tomorrow. Thanks so much for the love and support!! Ps-typing on phone so typos are inevitable!

No, no, please no........

Just went to the bathroom and noticed about a quarter sized spot of brown blood on my underwear when I went to the bathroom. Please, please don't let this be the start of a miscarriage. Please. Last time it was pinkish blood and it started when I wiped. This was actually already on my panties. I usually wear a pad because of leakage from my progesterone, but today I was in a hurry and must have forgotten. I can't handle this again. I just can't. I've really been feeling like this was it. And to answer any questions, my pap was last Friday and no DTD has been done lately. So could a pap on Friday have caused this? Seems like I would have spotted that day or the next and not 4 days later. I'm not even sure I want to tell J. I did call the doctor and they said a nurse would call me either later today or early tomorrow. Any good stories out there? I'll let you guys know if the bleeding gets worse. I'm at work now and think I'm going to go home. I can't handle worrying about this here.

Friday, March 16, 2012


I had another appointment with my doctor today. She just did a pap and took cultures. We chatted for a few minutes about my fears and questions. I wasn't too sure about her initially. She seems very clinical and not very warm. I decided though that I like her. At one point she asked if I was going to breastfeed. I laughed and said "It's hard to even imagine getting to that point." She patted me on the back and said with confidence "I think you will this time, I'm sure we'll get there." She is human after all. So I think with her clinical ability and her ability to also be warm when the situation dictates she's a good choice for me this time around. All of my blood work from the last visit looked good. She went over them individually and I thought it was kind of funny that she informed me that I was HIV negative, Syphilis negative, Hepatitis Negative and a few more I don't even remember. I guess I knew they did an HIV test, but I had no idea they did syphilis. I supposed it's a good thing they test for all of that, but it's also kind of annoying. I was tested for all of that a little over a year ago and the law is they have to retest every pregnancy. In my case I was 100% sure all the results would be the same. I'm sure there are cases even with married people where someone cheats or whatever and the results aren't what they expect, but it still seems like a waste of time and money to redo the tests every time. So my next appointment with her is in 4 weeks and I'm still waiting for them to schedule my NT scan. So for now, it still looks good!

Thursday, March 8, 2012


Ultrasound photos from 3/8/12 of Baby #3. Let's hope the third time is the charm :)

Good News

The appointment yesterday went well. We had an ultrasound at 2:30 and the tech said first she was going to measure the cervix and look at the ovaries. I was kind of irritated, because who makes someone wait to see the baby?? She even knew we had previous losses. So after she looked those things over she said "and here is the baby, see that cardiac flutter" and then she played it for us. I started crying immediately. I looked over at J and his face was just totally blank. Later he shared with me that he had a flashback to Bear's ultrasound and learning that he was already gone. So for him it was hard to do. I'll get back to that later. So anyway, the baby was in there, the heart was beating at 141 and it was lovely to see the babe and hear the heart beat. I'm so thrilled that this first step of many went well.

One of the reasons J had a hard time was that yesterday was the one year anniversary (or angelversary as my lovely cousin and BFF Christina called it!!) of our finding out that Bear was gone. So we had a hard time that the ultrasound and Bear's day were all the same. We were hoping for good news so that this didn't have to be a day we grieved forever. I mean we will grieve it forever, but at least we don't have two babies to grieve right?

I see the doctor next Friday for a pap and all of those lovely cultures they do each pregnancy. I had all of the prenatal blood draws yesterday at the appointment. Next Friday I'm going to insist that they schedule us for an NT scan in week 11 and ask about the MaterniT21 blood testing. I didn't actually see the doctor at this appointment so couldn't ask those questions. We just saw the ultrasound tech and then a nurse for what they called an "interview."

I did take a picture of the ultrasound pics to post on here, but I'm having a hard time getting my phone to send them to my email. So if they ever go through I'll post them.

As for telling family and friends, I think we will probably continue to wait just a little bit. It would be nice to know that the odds of another chromosome problem are low before we announce to everyone. Maybe we'll start telling a few more people, but definitely not everyone yet. Hoping we get a healthy and happy 9 months with as little worrying as we can manage.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Nervous and Scared

I know I haven't updated, but I'm just so nervous. I am scared to get hopeful and have it ripped away once again. But, since today is our first ultrasound, it seems like it's time for an update.

At 9dpo I had a blood draw and my HCG was 20.8. At 11dpo I had my second blood draw and my HCG was 56. So it more than doubled. The doctor indicated that was a good sign and that we probably weren't looking at an early loss. That was weeks ago though and now I'm 7 weeks 2 days and we have our first appointment and ultrasound at 2:30. We are both so scared and hopeful. I'm not sure either of us can go through all of this again. If we lose this baby I have no idea if we will have the strength to go on and try again. I'm 36 and will be 37 in September. My time is relatively limited for having kids and the depression that hits me with each loss is difficult to handle. I just don't know if I can do this again. I'm not really ready to imagine my life without children either though.

So instead of worrying about that I will just hope that everything goes well today and for the weeks to come!

As far as symptoms, this has been my most symptomatic pregnancy yet. I've been super queasy and have been gagging and dry heaving. I haven't really actually thrown up yet, but it almost might be better if I did. I feel like I'm on a boat all day long I'm so motion sick. I also have been forgetful and ditzy. I'm normally forgetful and ditzy, but this pregnancy makes me about 10 times worse which is really unfortunate-I kind of seem like an idiot half the time. Last week I lost my keys at work. I literally could not find my keys for a 1/2 hour. I had 4 student workers helping me look for my keys all over. I had to cancel a Zumba class I was supposed to teach because I couldn't leave the gym. I felt like an idiot. I've also been really tired and when I get home at night from work I just lay on the couch and read or watch dumb stuff on TV. It's exhausting! My boobs are sore (and growing), my sense of smell is heightened, and my dreams are vivid and crazy. So hopefully all of these symptoms mean that things are going well.

I'll try to update tomorrow with the results of the ultrasound and appointment. Now I'm off to start compiling my list of questions for the doctor. I'm thinking about trying to get the MaterniT21 testing because of our previous T21 loss. Not sure if I'm eligible or not though because I saw one site said you had to be under 35. So if they say no, I might go for an amnio this time if J agrees. I hate the odds of miscarriage, but I also hate the not knowing. So if anyone did the MaterniT21 can you share your experiences in the comments?

Friday, February 10, 2012


I feel like I've had some victories over the last day. I finally ended up talking to the doctor's office again and they were amazing! They listened to me and took me seriously! SO....I'm now on progesterone once a day until 10 weeks. I also had my first Beta HCG draw yesterday and another one scheduled for Saturday. I'm so excited they are willing to do that for me. I would rather know right away that the numbers aren't looking great than wait 2 weeks. I think I can handle that much better. I mean I realize that things can still go wrong, but it's one more thing to give me peace of mind you know? And peace of mind is the ONE thing I need right now. If taking progesterone and getting HCG draws can give me that then why not? Our last doctor would have just been like "We'll just have to see what happens" this doctor is clearly a little more proactive and I'm thrilled. I wasn't sure if I was going to stick with her, but after just one phone call now I'm sure!

So I went to bed at 7:30 last night. Yeah. I'm already that tired. I told J that even if I hadn't taken a test I would have known by now. That is abnormally tired for me when I'm not depressed or having a bad day. I was just so tired. So, I'm excited to make it to Monday which will officially be 4 weeks and then the waiting begins :)! I'm going to try to appreciate and enjoy every moment because no matter what happens this baby deserves that. They deserve to be loved for however many moments they exist. Whether that's 6 weeks in my womb or 100 years on earth they deserve everything I can give them! (at least that's what I'm telling myself!)

Okay no more squinting or pretending you see a line! Check this out! (promise I won't force you to look at my Pee Stick obsession any longer!)

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Tweaked Test

A test tweaker on Baby Center made this little picture for me :)! Love it!! If you actually click on it the pink line is visible on the FRER.


Okay so here's a picture of the tests I took this morning. It's hard because the lines don't really show up as well in pictures, but I swear they are there in person :)! Now I get to go from stressed about trying to get pregnant to stressed I am pregnant. Awesome. If only I could just relax and take it easy. How about this...I already called the doctor. Yep I'm that girl. I asked about a prenatal prescription, progesterone and a beta HCG. The progesterone isn't totally out of the blue, the new doctor I saw a few months ago mentioned she might put me on it if I were to get pregnant just as a precaution. So yea. I'm the crazy girl that called the doctor at 9DPO.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Third Time's a Charm????

Okay so the quality of a cell phone pic is bad I know. But I totally see a line. 9DPO. I'll post another one tomorrow and hopefully it's darker (or maybe I'll splurge on a digital)!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Another Month...

Well after an anovulatory month that lasted 33 days and then a short cycle that lasted 16 days with O on like day 4 or something. Here I am. Hoping for a normal cycle with a normal O and a month I can at least feel like we got a good try in. We are kind of trying SMEP. The every other day after day 8 and then 3 in a row once you get the +OPK. We'll see how that goes. So my OPK is almoooost positive today. The kind of almost that makes me think it will be positive either later today or tomorrow. He's for hoping stress can be kept down so that I O properly and don't have another anovulatory month. Here's a pic of the OPK!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Just Relax

How many of you in the TTC world have heard the words "just relax" before? From your doctor? Your friends? Well-meaning strangers? I'm so tired of those two little words. From an anovulatory cycle to what seems like constant fighting with my husband I'm beyond just relaxing. I'm basically at anxiety level so high it's a code red. Right now my stomach hurts I'm so stressed out. I'm sitting at my desk at work on a Saturday night typing a blog post because my husband and I had it out yet again. This time over money. It's always a series of themes, but this is a recurring one for sure in our household. Why don't the people in our lives see that at this point nothing matters? Not money, not what's going on in the world, not what other people are doing--what matters is getting pregnant. Period. Why put undue stress on me over stuff that doesn't matter. Leave me the F alone and let me focus on getting pregnant. He doesn't worry about that crap like I do. I mean don't get me wrong, I know he thinks about it, but does he worry about ovulation and timing and temperatures? Heck no. I'm the woman. That's my job to worry about. Ugh. Should there be some sort of modern day axiom of not angry blogging? You know like don't drink and text? How about don't get mad and blog? I think I blog best when I'm sad or angry though. This whole blog was born out of sadness and has slowly over time grown into frustration and anger. And you know what? My counselor says it's okay to be frustrated and it's okay to be angry and it's okay to feel shitty when someone has a baby. Because they are having babies left and right. I just want to scream. Or maybe throw something. And then there is my husband conveniently picking a fight with me. So he becomes the object of my anger. When really he isn't the object of my anger, he's just standing there with a convenient reason for me to get pissing mad. You know? Or maybe you don't.