This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Prior to my pregnancy and losing Bear I had unlimited amounts of energy. I taught 6 aerobic classes a week, worked several jobs and still had time to knit, read, and hang out. I have no idea how I did it. Now, my energy is severely limited. I don't really get it. What happened to my unlimited energy? I come home from work now and just get in bed. I don't teach any aerobics any more. I also don't do much else. Yet I'm so exhausted.

All I can figure is that it's just from being depressed. I'm not positive....of course, I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose myself. And some days are better than others. I might have more energy one day than the next. If I had to come up with a number I would say I have about 40% of the energy I used to have. Some days maybe I have 60% of the energy I used to have, and then there are the days where I have about 20%. It's not good. Yesterday, after I got home from work, I cleaned the house and did laundry and was exhausted. Seriously exhausted. Like all I could do was lay in bed. I could barely keep my eyes open to read the book I was reading.

Spring is finally starting to kick in. The weather is a little warmer, the sun is still not really peeking out too much, but I can tell it's on its way. Maybe with the increase in sunlight and vitamin D I'll get some more energy? Maybe with an increase in outdoor exercise once it actually gets warm I'll get more energy? Who knows. I thought I would be doing a bit better than I am by now. I hope that is true as the weeks wear on.

Monday, April 25, 2011


I find myself being pretty apathetic to many things. I just can't muster up the energy to care. I think it's okay though. In the past I maybe cared just a bit too much. I tended to be kind of uptight and high strung. Now I'm a bit more laid back. I doubt this is a full personality change. More of a situational issue. But it is nice to care less. For example, I'm taking two Master's level courses. In the past my grades were of utmost importance. I had to turn everything in early, I worked really hard on projects, and cared a lot about how I was doing. Now, I honestly don't care too much. I'm getting the work done and meeting requirements, but I sure don't see it as a priority. It's great not being stressed out about it! I actually like it!

I see it in other areas also. I don't return phone calls (I know it's not nice, but sometimes I just don't feel like talking). My housework is falling waaaaay behind. I haven't made that appointment I said I would make to get my car looked at. I haven't made the vet appointment I said I would make. Apathy is my friend. Crazy huh?

It's been 7 weeks. I would have been 26 weeks with only 14 to go. My second period *should* start sometime next week. I ordered some cheapie ovulation predictor tests off of Amazon as well as a BBT thermometer. I plan to hardcore chart and plan this next month. If I don't get pregnant right away I want to be ready with charts and temps to see why not or to plan better for future months. I didn't chart or temp at all last time. I just kind of tracked my period on an app on my ipod and got lucky. I'm no longer willing to get lucky--especially since it ended up not being so lucky. My only worry is that what if I try so hard and the ONE month we get pregnant is another bad egg month????? What if??? UGH. Maybe the only thing I'm not apathatic about right now.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Time seems to be passing fairly quickly for me. It's been 6 week since I had the D & E today. I can't believe it's been that long. The really raw pain has definitely subsided, but now I've fallen into just a dull depression kind of pain. It's hard to describe. The raw pain was almost easier in a way. I could cry, get angry, yell, stay in bed all day etc. This dull depression is much harder. For example, last night I got home from work around 4p.m. I had no motivation to do anything. So I went to bed. I stayed there pretty much all night. I bought a new Kindle Book for my Ipod and I read. Until about 9:30 when I actually tried to go to sleep. I seriously stayed in bed from 4p.m. to 5:45a.m. More than 12 hours. I also have trouble focusing at work, at home and with others. I think of something I need to do and then two days later I remember that I didn't do it. Not a good thing when trying to keep a job you are already worried about losing. I work on a college campus and money is really tight. We are definitely facing budget cuts and loss of jobs. I'm not being targeting at this time, but if anyone knew how lethargic I was at my workplace it might be an issue. People do understand what's going on with me, but how long will they put up with it?

I really found it easier when I was crying all the time and barely able to leave the house. Now that I've rejoined the real world it's just harder. I think part of it is my inability to be in the real world and the other part is what people expect of me. Don't get me wrong, I do have real moments of joy. But, mostly I have real moments of apathy. To everything.

All of this worries me because we are talking about trying again. I thought I would be ready. J asked me last night when my period would come again so we could start trying after. I was kind of vague with him. I want to try, I need to try, but I know I'm probably not emotionally ready. I think I probably will try even if I'm not ready. What if it takes months to get pregnant? What if I'm just getting too old? What if this next month is the ONE good egg I have left? It's just too scary to wait even though I might not actually be ready.

I'm so frustrated. People are having babies all around me. My best friend is pregnant with her second, a former employee of mine is due any day, someone very close to me is attempting to get pregnant, and plenty of my FB friends are pregnant. I'm faced with the happiness of others about their pregnancy many times a day. I actually am dealing with that part of it pretty well. But it still makes me ache. I should be 25 weeks pregnant with only 15 weeks to go. I don't want to have to start trying again, have a two week wait until we can pee on a stick, then once we find out go through all of the weeks again. Ugh. It's exhausting just to think about. And then imagining another loss breaks my heart. I seriously don't think I would survive it. Maybe I would physically survive it, but I'm not sure my emotional state could handle it. I'm not sure I would ever be able to try again. Some people experience many losses and just keep trying. I guess you have to weigh your want for a baby against your pain at losing one.

Well, let's see if I can get through the day. Here we go.

Monday, April 18, 2011


I consider it progress that I didn't wake up today and immediately think "It's been 6 weeks now since I found out Bear had no heartbeat. I should be 25 weeks along today." Obviously I thought it later on in the day, but it wasn't the first thing I thought of. I think that's a healing thing, that it isn't the first thing that comes to me any longer. I continue to count the days/weeks etc. But at least it's not the first thing I think of in the morning.

That's all I've got today.....

Friday, April 15, 2011


It's so interesting to me that my body is pretty much back to normal. I have no evidence of ever being pregnant physically. My belly is smaller, my breasts are back to normal and I didn't end up with stretch marks or anything like that.

I have realized there are a few subtle changes though. First of all, I just realized today that I now have ovulation spotting. I didn't even realize this was possible. It happened last month after the D & E and also this month. Last month I thought it was just more bleeding due to the procedure. The bleeding started about 2 weeks after the procedure, and they had said to expect about 2-4 weeks of bleeding potentially. So when I only bled for a few days and then started back up again two weeks later I didn't think too much of it. Now though, I have had a regular period. It lasted 4 days. Now 5 days after that regular period I'm spotting again. I did a bit of research and found out that ovulation bleeding is uncommon, but it does happen. That would be pretty on track for me. I tend to have really short cycles so right now is about the right time. I also noticed EWCM (which I also noticed last month), which for anyone trying to conceive, is another signal of ovulation. So together these two things lead me to believe that I am ovulating and my cycle is pretty much back to normal. Well not totally normal, since I never had ovulation bleeding before. But seriously? An actual physical signal to show I'm ovulating? I'll take it! It might make getting pregnant again that much easier.

Another weird change is that my skin is a bit better. I've never had good skin. I break out and have acne. Seriously, I'm 35 and I still get zits like I'm 15. Very frustrating. But, since losing the pregnancy my skin has been pretty okay. Certainly not perfect, but no large breakouts. I'm going to knock on wood now, especially since I'm pretty sure I'm ovulating which is right about the time I would normally have a breakout...a few weeks before my period. I have no idea why this would be the case. Something to do with the hormones I guess?

Other than that, I'm back to normal. Right after losing Bear, I lost about 15 pounds because I wasn't eating. Then I ended up on the opposite end of the spectrum and binged a bit out of grief and depression I guess. So I gained about 10 of those pounds back. Awesome. So now I'm on a diet. I would like to be a bit thinner before getting pregnant again so I don't worry about my weight and putting on pounds. I might even delay the trying for a month so I can focus on getting healthy. We'll see.....

Thursday, April 14, 2011


I'm pretty overwhelmed right now. I'm tired of real life. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of feeling everything. I'm just overwhelmed. I'm still crying everyday. Not always about Bear. In fact today at 7:28a.m., I've cried twice already. Once because of the stupid lady that killed her 3 children (more on that later) and once because of being frustrated with my husband. I don't cry that much everyday by 7:28a.m., but it's not unheard of.

I'm scared I'll get fired from my work because sometimes I have a hard time focusing. I mean I'm getting my job done (barely), but I'm not going above and beyond that's for sure. It's like I'm supposed to be back to normal and do everything just like I did before. The same goes for everything. I'm taking two graduate level classes and I'm pretty much just doing the bare minimum at this point. I used to be so anal retentive about getting an A. Now I barely care if I pass. Pretty sad. I mean I guess I care, but honestly I don't care if I get a B or a C. As long as I don't have to retake the course who cares. I'm really realizing what's important in life. And now that I'm realizing, I feel like I have little tolerance for crap. J and I have now started fighting a lot. I get frustrated because he is "back to normal." I am not back to normal. I don't want to be back to normal. I want to know my life has changed. I don't want to fall back into old patterns and habits. I think that just totally invalidates Bear's life. It pisses me off. Not to mention, I'm sure he's seeking a bit of attention from me since I am a bit distant and off these days. So I get frustrated by the attention seeking and I lash out. Yeah. Awesome.

Okay so back to the lady that killed her kids. I read that story this morning and flipped out. Here is a link:

Yeah. Seriously? So this lady is so depressed or upset or whatever that she drives herself and her four kids into a river? WTF? I get the whole depressed thing. I'm depressed now. I get thinking it might be better for it all to be over rather than go on with your life. I get it. But to kill your 3 kids in the process? I don't get. In fact it pisses me off so much I wish I could beat the crap out of that lady. Oh wait...she's dead...right. So the universe doesn't deem me worthy of living children right now, but that lady got FOUR??? FOUR kids? That she killed (3 of them anyway)? One got away. Luckily little guy. I'm so happy for him. I hope he survives all this intact. How screwed up is that? You have to live knowing your mom tried to kill you? I thought I had a shitty childhood, but this kid's story will definitely trump mine.

I just don't understand anything. I used to believe in some sort of fate in the universe. Some sort of sense. Not so much God, as I don't have much faith in the religious systems, but more like a plan. Yeah, like the Universe has some sort of cosmic plan for us and it all will make sense. Everything happens for some sort of cosmic reason. Now? I think that's a load of crap. What reason could there be for this lady to kill her kids while mine dies? Screw that. Life is just fucking random. There is no rhyme or reason. Shit just happens. I think Forrest Gump had it right.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


I signed up for those emails that send you what week you are. Today I received my "24 Week" email. I went to the website and asked to be taken off their mailing list. I also clicked on the unsubscribe button on the email. I'm still getting them. WTH?

Here is what the email says:

Hello, Amy!
Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up. His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon.

Nice huh? Just what a woman who lost her baby wants to see. Yes, I want to read all about how my baby is growing.....(insert sarcasm here). They should definitely make it easier to unsubscribe from those emails. I just went and tried to unsubscribe again and all the boxes I had unclicked to try to unsubscribe in the past were clicked again. So I did it once more. Why on earth do they make it so hard to unsubscribe?

Yes, the email is painful. I am actually starting to heal. 5 weeks since the D & E. It depends on the day, but I'm doing okay. Yesterday I had a bad day. I sometimes have days where I just can't get engaged in life. I was tired and just didn't care to take part in anything going on around me. I was useless at work and useless at home. I basically did nothing. Not a good day. Today seems like a better day. It just depends. But overall, there are probably more okay days than not.

I so just want to be pregnant. I want a swelling belly and all of the joy that brings. I want to know that in so many weeks I'll get the baby and all of the wonderful stuff that goes along with it. I want a baby shower and people making comments about my huge belly. Why is that so much to ask?

Technically I can start trying in about 5 weeks. 4ish weeks until my next period and then a week or two until ovulation. J is still not convinced we should start trying so soon. I'm scared it will take us longer than a month to get pregnant this time and that will be another stress for me. It seriously only took us one try to get pregnant last time. Obviously that didn't make me quite as lucky as I thought. It was the wrong month I guess. I'm not really sure how that works. It seems like it's the egg that is released that has the abnormalities usually. So in that one month the egg I released was bad. So now my odds are 1 in 100 for this happening again. I'm trying to figure out if that means that 1 in 100 women who have a baby after having one with a chromosome issue will have another issue. Or if it means that 1 in 100 times that I release an egg there will be an issue. Or is it all the same thing? Hmm...not sure.

I am very scared for it to happen again. I really don't think I would survive it mentally. I'm really struggling with all of the testing options now. Should I get the 11 week CVS just so I can have peace of mind? Should we forgo all testing and just pretend everything will be fine? Who knows. I'm leaning towards testing though. I just worry about the miscarriage rate. As badly as I want a baby I can't imagine putting the baby in any danger. But I also can't imagine carrying a baby to 19 weeks again without knowing anything is wrong. I would rather be prepared.

I've been in the situation several times where people don't know what's happened. Monday night I was at a banquet and the woman sitting next to me asked when I was due. I assume she had heard it through the grapevine and not that I was just really fat LOL. I had to explain to her that I had lost the baby. She shared with me that her sister had lost 3 babies late in her pregnancies and she knew how painful it was. I find that is one of the hardest things to deal with. People who don't know what happened. It's definitely hard to have to explain.

I'm kind of just rambling today. Now I'm moving on to what to do about telling people next time we get pregnant. I think I'll hold off until people just guess. I'll wait until I'm pretty big. The problem with that is that last time I started to show really early. At 11 weeks I had people asking me about my pregnancy. I'm not a small girl by any means, but I'm fit and muscular. I think my stomach just popped out really quickly. Looking at those later photos of my belly with Bear, I was definitely noticably pregnant. I mean if you didn't know me you might think I was just fat, but probably would have suspicions I was pregnant. I've heard that with your second you start showing even more quickly because your uterus knows what to do and pops out earlier. So yea, I don't plan on making a big announcement. I plan on it just sort of being figured out by people. Other than my close family of course. I'll tell them after the 12 weeks is up. It's so sad that you have to do this though. That the pregnancy won't be as fun and exciting. It's really tragic.

I miss Bear so much.

Monday, April 11, 2011


I should be 24 weeks pregnant today. It's been 5 weeks since I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I'm actually doing surprisingly well.

I can get through a day without breaking down. I can get through a work week. I am even able to talk about Bear without crying. Some of it I fake, and some of it is real.

I don't know how to be feeling at this point. I still feel like I'm in a state of shock. The "I can't believe this happened to me" kind of shock. It seems like I should be over that though doesn't it? I mean I seriously can't believe I got to 19 weeks pregnant. I was so happy. I was so convinced everything was fine. I knew I would have a baby come August 1st. Now none of those things are true. Not one single thing. It's almost like it didn't happen. I mean, obviously it did. But now here I am unpregnant. My body is back to normal. I already had my first period and my body shows absolutely no left over signs from the pregnancy. Nothing to show that all of this happened. Except for my tiny perfect pair of foot prints from Bear. That's pretty much it.

Now of course, we are talking about trying again. J doesn't think I'll be ready emotionally even if the doctor says I am ready physically. I think he would like to wait longer to try. I want to try the second I'm clear. My risk of this happening to the next baby is higher than it was for this baby. I just can't handle my child dying again. I'm not sure I would actually survive losing another child like that. I'm going to hope that next time nature would take its toll a little earlier. I think I could handle a first trimester loss. But another loss at 19 weeks or later? I think it would kill me. But who knows? We are all capable of much more than we give ourselves credit for. My desire for a child is obviously stronger than my desire for this never to happen again. I'm willing to chance this again just to get the child I want. I sure hope my old eggs don't fail me again.

Thursday, April 7, 2011


Weird that getting my period back is good news huh? Only 4 weeks + 1 day after the D & E it appears to be back. I'm so glad it didn't take the 6 to 8 to 12 weeks I've heard from other people. Yay body for not letting me down.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


My moods have shifted from pure grief and sadness to a revolving door of anger, sadness, happiness, and pure apathy. It's so hard to be on this emotional roller coaster. One day I'm perfectly fine--smiling at people and feeling generally okay. The next day I'm a complete bitch and lash out at anyone that attempts to talk to me. I don't know if this is hormones, or just pure grief. It's quite annoying. Especially to those who love me and live with me. Okay...well since only one person lives with me I'll just be honest and admit I've been a bitch to my husband. And sometimes other people. Like today someone was tailgating me as I made my way back from a doctor's appointment. I got angry. So I slowed down. Way down. It made me feel better. Not to mention the screaming rages I may or may not have at my home. Yep. Seriously.

I feel like I'm in a waiting game now. I'm obviously still grieving and plan to for some time. (Like you can plan those things..what am I thinking). But I'm also waiting for my body to get back on track. Today is 4 weeks since the D & E. The doctors say your period can show up on average 4-6 weeks after the D & E. Although they made sure to share with me it's not unheard of for it to take 8 to 12 weeks. So I'm waiting. Waiting for my period. I think some of my craziness might be due to these fluctuating hormones attempting to get back to normal. So on many levels my period would be a much wanted occurrence. I could start counting down cycles until we can conceive again. I could start counting on my "normal" hormones to kick in and not be concerned about being crazy all the time. I could be assured that my body is actually working like it should and didn't suffer any damage post D & E. So while my period has never been my favorite's suddenly taken on some importance in my life. It's weird to be wanting it to show up.

I've decided to start trying to lose some weight. I was a little heavier than I would like when I got pregnant. I had suffered from plantar fasciitis for about a year (it still isn't better), which hindered my ability to be active. I put on about 20-30 pounds more than I would prefer. So now that I'm unpregnant I think I'll put some focus on taking care of my health while waiting to be ready to conceive again. I should have a good 6-12 weeks before that occurs so that's plenty of time to lose a few pounds and maybe feel better about my weight. I guess if I don't get pregnant right away I'll have ages and ages to lose weight. I can't even think about that. It stresses me out.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


I feel betrayed by my own body. Why did my body give me a baby with Down Syndrome. Why did my eggs not function properly. Not only that, but if I was chosen somehow to have this baby that was special why was he taken away from me? It's just not fair. It's like I have no control. It's hard to not have control. I enjoy control. I control all aspects of my life. I'm all about having control. I don't like it when others are in charge. I like to be in control. So this feels like a giant betrayal, and it's myself. And there is nothing I can do about it. I miss my baby so much.

Monday, April 4, 2011


Mark Twain was the one who was credited with the saying "Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics." I've been obsessing over the statistics like you wouldn't believe.

When I got pregnant with Bear I was only a tiny bit worried about age related problems. I take care of myself, don't drink excessively, don't smoke, I exercise and I'm generally pretty healthy. I just didn't think it was anything to worry about. I even looked up the difference in odds of having twins or a baby with Down Syndrome. The odds of twins were 1 in 89. The odds of a baby with Down Syndrome were 1 in 350. Yeah. I was more likely to have twins than a baby with Down Syndrome. So why worry?

Fast forward 5 months. I was the 1 in 350. My baby had Down Syndrome. My baby died in utero somewhere between 17 and 19 weeks because of complications from Down Syndrome. So let's talk about odds now.

1 in 350. Let's do the math and turn that into a percentage. 1 divided by 350 = .28%. Read that number again. .28% is not a very big number. If you were given odds of .28% for just about anything you would probably not be too worried. If someone told me I had a .28% chance of getting hit by lightning when I walk outside, I would definitely walk outside. The odds are sooo small. I mean that seems barely possible. Yet, we were the .28%. I guess someone has to be. With all of the billions of people in the world the numbers mean that someone actually ends up as a statistic.

What is most frustrating to me is that after having a baby with a chromosome problem your odds actually go up not down. Doesn't it seem like once you become the bad news statistic your odds would go down in the future. It doesn't work like that. My odds of having a baby with a chromosome problem are now 1%. So it went up from .28% to 1%. So now instead of 1 in 350 my odds are 1 in 100. It doesn't seem too bad does it? But once you are the 1 in 350---1 in 100 seems like an inevitability to me. Well of course I'll be the ONE. Someone has to be right? It was me last time. Why won't it be me again?

Now I have all sorts of decisions to make in a future pregnancy. Will I get screenings for chromosome issues? Will I get diagnostic testing for issues? Will I find out if something is wrong? Will I be able to relax and just enjoy my pregnancy? Will I enjoy my next pregnancy if I don't know for certain if the baby has chromosome problems or not?

I'm 35 and this was my first pregnancy. What are the odds of that? Did I become a statistic because of my age? Was it just a random fluke? Girls in their early 20's have babies with Down Syndrome. Not just women over the age of 35. So was I a fluke or was I the age related issue? Or doesn't it even matter?

Will I get a healthy baby? I think after this experience I would take whatever I was given. At first when we were given the bad news that we had received a positive risk screening for Down Syndrome (1 in 10) and T18 (1 in 55), J and I did discuss termination. What if the baby had a T21 or T18 that didn't appear compatible with life? What if the baby would die in utero anyway. This was obviously all before we knew that the baby no longer had a heartbeat anyway and that there were no decisions to be made (at least not by us).

I feel so bad about ever thinking that I could terminate my baby due to health problems. I guess now my opinion is that I would love and nurture that baby for as long as I could. Whether that amounted to 19 weeks in utero or years and years after being born. I will love and take care of any baby that graces my life. I can't stand the idea that I would be the one to choose to take my baby's life. I know that people do make that decision, and I actually get it. It's just after this experience and not having the choice and having my baby taken from me, I know that I couldn't make that choice.

It's been 4 weeks. I should be 23 weeks pregnant now. I should be picking out baby furniture and clothes. I should be making a list of guests for my baby shower. Instead I'm worried about when my period will show up post D & E. It will be 4 weeks since the D & E in two days. My doctor said it could be 4 weeks, 6 weeks or even up to 12 weeks. There is no standard. The body just does what it does. I'm hoping for sooner rather than later. I need 2 cycles before I can start trying again.

Friday, April 1, 2011


All this time I've called the baby a boy. I really had no idea. It was just a gender I assigned and felt comfortable with. To me the baby was a boy. In a regular pregnancy I would have found out for sure and then altered my perception if my made up gender turned out to be wrong. Since we lost the baby he has still been a boy to me. I've used "he" in all my posts here as well as in all my talking about him.

Well I got my answer today. The Doctor who did the D & E called with results. Bear was really a boy. I was right. Finally something I can feel good about. I did know the sex of my baby. I'm so happy that it was right.

Next up, genetic testing. Bear had Down's Syndrome. That is why he didn't make it. All of my questioning of the things I had done wrong in the pregnancy were moot. Bear's condition was predetermined at conception. Age related? Maybe. Statistics? Maybe. Bad Luck? For freaking sure.

I'm happy to have answers. I'm happy to know for sure. I feel better about having a definitive answer of Down's Syndrome than I would feel if the genetics had come back normal. It's nice to have a specific reason this happened.

On the other hand...why me? Of all the people why did this happen to me? Why does it happen to anyone? Is it because I'm old? WHY???


I'm so short tempered and angry. I get mad at the dumbest things. The girl making my Subway sandwich gets it wrong and I fume about it for an hour. Some jerk cuts in front of me in traffic and I find myself screaming obscenities. Someone says something that bothers me and I stress about it all night. My dear husband J annoys me and I immediately start to yell.

I hate being so angry all the time. It's not me. It's not healthy. It's not right. I can't stop it though. It's weird for me that I'm angry at all kinds of things, but find that my anger doesn't necessarily center around Bear. I don't know why. I'm just angry at the universe I guess and I'm taking it out on others. Hopefully I'll still have people around that love me when the dust settles.

On a brighter note, I'm actually doing a bit better. I'm making it to work on time. In fact I was here like an hour early today. I have been getting tasks accomplished in a timely manner and I look productive. That is a good sign. I'm still angry though.