I should be 24 weeks pregnant today. It's been 5 weeks since I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I'm actually doing surprisingly well.
I can get through a day without breaking down. I can get through a work week. I am even able to talk about Bear without crying. Some of it I fake, and some of it is real.
I don't know how to be feeling at this point. I still feel like I'm in a state of shock. The "I can't believe this happened to me" kind of shock. It seems like I should be over that though doesn't it? I mean I seriously can't believe I got to 19 weeks pregnant. I was so happy. I was so convinced everything was fine. I knew I would have a baby come August 1st. Now none of those things are true. Not one single thing. It's almost like it didn't happen. I mean, obviously it did. But now here I am unpregnant. My body is back to normal. I already had my first period and my body shows absolutely no left over signs from the pregnancy. Nothing to show that all of this happened. Except for my tiny perfect pair of foot prints from Bear. That's pretty much it.
Now of course, we are talking about trying again. J doesn't think I'll be ready emotionally even if the doctor says I am ready physically. I think he would like to wait longer to try. I want to try the second I'm clear. My risk of this happening to the next baby is higher than it was for this baby. I just can't handle my child dying again. I'm not sure I would actually survive losing another child like that. I'm going to hope that next time nature would take its toll a little earlier. I think I could handle a first trimester loss. But another loss at 19 weeks or later? I think it would kill me. But who knows? We are all capable of much more than we give ourselves credit for. My desire for a child is obviously stronger than my desire for this never to happen again. I'm willing to chance this again just to get the child I want. I sure hope my old eggs don't fail me again.