This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Monday, April 11, 2011


I should be 24 weeks pregnant today. It's been 5 weeks since I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I'm actually doing surprisingly well.

I can get through a day without breaking down. I can get through a work week. I am even able to talk about Bear without crying. Some of it I fake, and some of it is real.

I don't know how to be feeling at this point. I still feel like I'm in a state of shock. The "I can't believe this happened to me" kind of shock. It seems like I should be over that though doesn't it? I mean I seriously can't believe I got to 19 weeks pregnant. I was so happy. I was so convinced everything was fine. I knew I would have a baby come August 1st. Now none of those things are true. Not one single thing. It's almost like it didn't happen. I mean, obviously it did. But now here I am unpregnant. My body is back to normal. I already had my first period and my body shows absolutely no left over signs from the pregnancy. Nothing to show that all of this happened. Except for my tiny perfect pair of foot prints from Bear. That's pretty much it.

Now of course, we are talking about trying again. J doesn't think I'll be ready emotionally even if the doctor says I am ready physically. I think he would like to wait longer to try. I want to try the second I'm clear. My risk of this happening to the next baby is higher than it was for this baby. I just can't handle my child dying again. I'm not sure I would actually survive losing another child like that. I'm going to hope that next time nature would take its toll a little earlier. I think I could handle a first trimester loss. But another loss at 19 weeks or later? I think it would kill me. But who knows? We are all capable of much more than we give ourselves credit for. My desire for a child is obviously stronger than my desire for this never to happen again. I'm willing to chance this again just to get the child I want. I sure hope my old eggs don't fail me again.


  1. 24 is a very special number for me; that's how long I carried Filomena. I still get these damn emails every Monday that remind me how far along I am. Today would be week 29 for me.

    It sucks. I too can get through the day without crying but some days it's impossible.

    My Dh wants to try NOW and I have very mixed feelings about it. He's almost 40 and I'm almost 30 so I think he's wanting to have kids while he's still young enough to enjoy them, but, I'm terrorfied about all this happening again, just like you.

    You are in my prayers...HUGS!

  2. Kara,

    I have so much respect for you. I have learned a lot from reading your story and talking to you on our blogs. The fact that you carried Filomena despite her poor prognosis means a lot to me. I don't think I would have made that choice prior to everything that's happened, but now I totally get it. I would absolutely make the same choice you did now. I just didn't understand. Now I get that I would go back and have every second with my baby that I can--even if I knew he was going to die anyway. I would do it all over again just to be with him again. It's so odd that I didn't understand that until it happened to me. I can't believe I ever thought it might be okay to terminate because of a poor prognosis. When I got my poor risk screening we actually talked about it. I'm so glad I wasn't given that choice. It would have been the wrong one. Poor Bear deserved every second of life he had. Who was I to choose otherwise? I definitely have learned so much from the love you gave your baby despite the doctors telling you she was not going to make it. You loved her like she was going to make it. It makes me cry just to think of it. Those 24 weeks you carried her were a gift. As were my 19.

    I'm so sorry. I know that as your EDD gets closer it will probably get tough for you again.

    Oh I still get those stupid BC emails too. I asked them to stop sending them in my profile settings, but I'm still getting them. It actually makes me mad each week when I see them. After our EDDs will they start sending us baby advice? I'm not sure I could handle it if they do.

    It's so hard thinking of trying again because I'm sure you, like me, just want the babies we lost. I don't want to resent another baby for being healthy and making it when Bear didn't. I'm afraid if I try too soon that will happen. I'm also afraid if I wait too long another tragedy will occur. It's an awful dilemma. I hope I can figure it out soon.

    Ahhh....the grief. I've never been tested like this in my life before. I can't imagine why the Universe felt we needed it, but I'm surviving, despite my belief that I wouldn't at first. As are you!

    Lots of love and hugs,