Prior to my pregnancy and losing Bear I had unlimited amounts of energy. I taught 6 aerobic classes a week, worked several jobs and still had time to knit, read, and hang out. I have no idea how I did it. Now, my energy is severely limited. I don't really get it. What happened to my unlimited energy? I come home from work now and just get in bed. I don't teach any aerobics any more. I also don't do much else. Yet I'm so exhausted.
All I can figure is that it's just from being depressed. I'm not positive....of course, I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose myself. And some days are better than others. I might have more energy one day than the next. If I had to come up with a number I would say I have about 40% of the energy I used to have. Some days maybe I have 60% of the energy I used to have, and then there are the days where I have about 20%. It's not good. Yesterday, after I got home from work, I cleaned the house and did laundry and was exhausted. Seriously exhausted. Like all I could do was lay in bed. I could barely keep my eyes open to read the book I was reading.
Spring is finally starting to kick in. The weather is a little warmer, the sun is still not really peeking out too much, but I can tell it's on its way. Maybe with the increase in sunlight and vitamin D I'll get some more energy? Maybe with an increase in outdoor exercise once it actually gets warm I'll get more energy? Who knows. I thought I would be doing a bit better than I am by now. I hope that is true as the weeks wear on.
I saw your post on Baby Center on the Down Syndrome group and read some of your posts on your blog. Everything you are feeling emotionally and physically so right on track with what I feel. I was so moved by your blog that i HAD to leave a comment. I have walked this journey of late pregnancy loss 4 times now. I lost a little girl to Turners Syndrome, a little boy when his umbilical cord became entangled and wrapped around his neck abdomen foot and leg, a little boy due to T18 and my daughter due to leukemia caused by a gene mutation from Down Syndrome. This journey is the hardest path you will EVER walk. This is the most pain you will ever feel in your life. BUT it will get better and you will find a new "normal". Right now I have just started this journey of pain and tremendous heart wrenching grief all over again and even though I have been here before it does not get any easier. It takes a lot of time and hope for a new day. It sounds like you have found some hope because you are talking of a new pregnancy. I know that hope is mixed with fear but don't lose sight of your goal in life, a healthy child. You are only 35, there is still much hope for your dream. Don't let fear rob you of your dreams. Reach for your star! If you want to talk email me at deanlorinowaczyk@frontier.com
ReplyDeleteNo one can understand your pain, grief, fear, exhausation, good days bad days, one step forward 2 steps back then a mommy who has walked the path of loss.
Wishing you peace,
Lori
Hi Lori,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for visiting and sharing. I'm so sorry about all of your losses. You must be incredibly strong to have survived all of that. I sometimes wonder how I am surviving my one loss. In my darkest moments, I wasn't sure I wanted to. I'm not sure if it happened again if I could go on. I'm so sorry for you.
I'm actually not necessarily emotionally ready to try again. I feel like I have no choice those. The words "age related" ring like a bell in my ear. I can't handle another "age related" problem. I wanted to get started even if I'm not ready so that if it takes us a while I feel like we tried. Also so that it minimizes any future problems with age related issues.
Some days I miss my baby Bear so much it physically hurts. Other days it's almost like a dream that it happened and I can manage just fine. I am starting to have more of the good days, but some of my bad days are pretty scary.
Once again I'm so very sorry for your losses. My heart aches for you. Thanks so much for sharing and the offer to talk!
Love and Light,
Amy