It's been 8 weeks since I found out Bear was gone. I'm crying at work right now. Things have been so mixed up lately. Friday night I drank a little too much and became extremely depressed. Not a good mixture huh? Alcohol and depression? I didn't really do it on purpose, just had one too many glasses. It was a dark and scary place to be. I vow to not drink that much again. It just wasn't healthy and the dark thoughts were not good.
Then I had pretty good days on Saturday and Sunday. I hung out with family and drank some more, but this time it was responsible drinking. Nothing scary!
Now today, I'm back on the depressed path. 8 weeks. How did 8 weeks go by? Are we seriously talking about trying again? Can I really deal with that yet? I don't really feel ready, but I'm so scared to wait. If this chromosome issue was age related how do I wait one second longer than I have to? We conceived Bear on our first month of trying. What if the next baby takes months? I feel like I don't have a choice. But ultimately I'm also worried about timing. What if I try this month and this egg has a chromosome issue, but next month's wouldn't. There is no way to know. It's like playing Russian roulette with my child's life. I have no clue what to do. I'm scared to try again and end up in this same place. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm not sure I would survive that. Book me a bed in a mental facility if I lose another baby because I'll need it.
Will I resent this baby if we get pregnant and all goes well? Why would that be fair that Bear didn't get to live but this baby does?
J still feels it too. He doesn't really talk about it anymore, but I know he is still sad. He's been moody and cranky. That's his way of dealing. I feel so bad for him because men are expected to handle it differently. We say things to each other that hurt each other's feelings. We fight. It sucks. I want to stop with that part of this. I can't imagine a better person to have been through all of this with. I know we will get over it, but the time it's taking is really not helping.
Anyway....I'm sad. I miss Bear. I miss my pregnant tummy. I miss thinking about baby stuff.