I was working hard in my office about an hour ago and recalled that I had a dream last night. I remember right after I lost Bear I wanted to dream about him so badly. I read posts from other women who dreamed of their lost children, but I didn't. I've been having sort of violent disturbing dreams lately, but none about my baby Bear. I always have kind of violent dreams, and it was worse during pregnancy. If you are into Yoga and Ayurveda, it's a pretty common trait for Pitta's to have fiery violent dreams.
So anyway, I dreamt about Bear last night. It was a bit creepy in retrospect, but also comforting. I had a dream that I was actually having a miscarriage. I was actually losing my baby at home. This isn't how my loss actually happened. So anyway in my dream, I was running up the stairs yelling to J and could tell I was getting ready to deliver my baby. I ended up feeling it drop into my pants (weird I know). I ran into the bathroom and pulled down my pants and saw lots of blood, but also a little tiny baby. Oddly enough in my dream the baby was alive. He was super tiny and almost like a doll, but he was awake, smiling and looking at me. Now one of the other disturbing parts was that he only had one arm. I'm going to chalk that up to my mind's way of dealing with the fact that Bear was special maybe. So the little baby I pulled up was clean and smiling and tiny and had very alert eyes that were looking at me. I yelled at J to come and see, but for some reason in my dream he didn't or wouldn't..I'm not really sure. That's pretty much it. In my dream I knew I only had a few minutes/hours with this precious baby and just stared and marvelled. I did keep yelling to J, but I seriously can't remember or didn't dream about why he wasn't there.
I'm not sure how to feel about this. Was it a message that it's okay to move on? Was it a message that I'm going to have another loss? I'm just not sure. I'm thinking it's maybe that I'm actually starting to deal with this and internalize it. Dreams are so weird. Maybe I need a Freudian analyst to help me with this LOL. When I woke up I was determined to remember and even thought about writing it down so I could remember in the morning. When I finally woke up for good I did not remember the dream. It was only later while I was cleaning in my office that I remembered. So I decided to post again today and try to figure out this weird nonsense.
My sweet baby Bear is gone. Forever. He remains only in my heart and the heart of those that love me and were going to love him. I might be ready to get a frame and display his tiny footprints. I want him to be a part of my life forever. I want any potential babies I have to know that they had a special older brother that never made it to this Earth.
I so hope that children are in my future. I want to nurture a baby so badly. I've been a special aunt to many kids over the years (including actual nieces and nephews and special cousins and just the children of close friends) and am ready to be a great mom to my own children. I'm ready to nurture my own patience, imagination and compassion as I care for my child. I'm ready to make my life about something other than myself. I have so much to give at this point in my life. I'm ready to give it. For today at least, I'm going to hold out hope that a baby is in my immediate future. That I will be a mother to a child of my own. That I can and will get pregnant and have a healthy chromosomally normal baby.