Ready?

I'm not ready to start trying again. I am still not over Bear. I mean I get that I'll never be over it completely and that it will be with me forever. But I do think there is a period of serious grief and then just the lifelong live with it grief. I'm definitely not over my serious grief. This week has been a really hard week. I can't stop thinking about everything I've lost. Not only did I lose Bear, but I lost hope, I lost some of my naivety, I may well have lost a friend over this, I lost my innocent belief that I would have a healthy happy baby, I lost a lot. I think I might be handling the loss of Bear okay at this point, it's just the other things that have started to be harder. It does take a certain amount of innocence to happily get through a pregnancy. Now I'll be a mess the whole time (if I get a whole time). That's so not fair to me or my future little one. I had a friend that wasn't nearly as supportive as I would have imagined. She admitted it to me yesterday. What kind of friend does that? I'm sorry but I'm not sure I can get over it. I go through the hardest thing in my life ever and you treat it like it's no big deal. I need some time to heal from that for sure if I ever am able to get over it. We'll see I guess.

8 weeks. I should be better by now right? Not getting worse? Time is flying by. I honestly can't believe 8 weeks has gone by. It feels like yesterday, it feels like forever......I don't know how to explain it.

Life just isn't fair. I hate that I feel like I'm back to square one. Perhaps it's only my menstrual hormones that are doing this to me. Even if that's the only reason I've been so down, it still isn't good. I've decided if I'm still feeling like this after 2 more months I'm going to go seek help from a professional. Perhaps medicate until I can regulate a bit. I can't handle feeling like this much longer. I'm sitting at my office desk crying and writing this. I just want to feel halfway back to normal.