This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011


Day 3 of my cycle. Day 1 I thought it was going to go slow. Now that it's day 3, I think it's going quickly. I think it's because I'm not really ready and I'm scared. I haven't told J yet that I'm not ready. I don't know what I'll do ultimately. I guess time will tell. He's so excited and it such a good mood about it that I'm not sure I can handle telling him I'm not really ready. I don't want to make him sad again when he seems to be perking up. Ugh life is hard.

Not to mention the weather here in north central Pennsylvania is not the best. It's been so dreary and overcast forever. It just never stops. It's May 4th and I'm really craving the sun. A really warm sunny day where I can sit home on my deck and read. Even if it was a work day, now that it's summer I could take a day off to do it. Please sun. Come out and play. The weather forecast still isn't looking all that great. Partly sunny and 57 tomorrow, rainy and 67 Friday and Sunny and 66 on Saturday and then back to cloudy and 69 on Sunday. So one sunny day in that forecast. ONE. At least it's on Saturday I guess.

I was reminded yesterday by one of my biggest support people throughout all of this (who happens to also be the only person I gave the link to this blog too personally) that sometimes it's good to find the positives in life even when things are so gloomy. Yesterday she reminded me that I have a great job and I can be flexible with my time. That's really a good thing when you are going through something like this. If I feel bad, I go home. If I'm having a great day sometimes I stay longer. Yesterday I went home early. My plan was to go to bed, but instead I went and bought a steam cleaner for carpets and steam cleaned one of my carpets. LOL. Not sure what happened there. haha. I planned for a nap and cleaned instead? So not like me. So anyway...back to what I was saying. Sometimes it's good to find the positives in life when life is looking shitty. So that's my goal. I'm thinking of starting a gratitude journal for 30 days. I might do it both here and on my Facebook page.

What am I grateful for today? Unfortunately today is a day I'm going to have to think hard to find some gratitude. Some days I'm grateful for a thousand things. Today I feel fat, ugly, hate the weather, and want to go back to bed. Haha. I'm so grateful huh? Okay hold on. Let me think. Maybe this is an odd one. But I'm grateful for my Droid Incredible. Sounds odd huh? I can read books on in, listen to books on it, call people I like and get online. It's such a handy little thing. I would totally fall apart if I lost it. So yeah. Today I'm grateful for my awesome technology. It's also a really good phone. I've had it for almost a year and I've had no problems with it. My last phone was a Blackberry Curve and I hated that thing. It started falling apart right after I got it. I had several replacement phones. I know it's not a very touchy feely thing to be happy about, but I'm thankful for it and I think it counts.

Perhaps if I start to focus on some positive things I'll be able to handle the crappy things a little better. Maybe. Can't hurt to try, right?

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