This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


This is one of those things that I think only people who have lost a baby can get. I mean maybe you say you get it, or can at least sort of see what I'm feeling, but I think it might be hard to understand. So if you haven't lost a baby please read this with only compassion in your heart :-)! So anyway. My best friend had a baby today. I have known her C-section was booked for today. I've talked to her about it and I was prepared for the baby to get here. Yes I'm 100% excited and happy for them. The problem is that it creates sadness in me too. It breaks my heart and makes me want to scream and yell and throw things against a wall. So these conflicting emotions are really hard for some people to get. But you have to see the separation here. My happiness is for them. I'm thrilled their baby arrived safe and sound. The sadness is only for me. It's not about them. It's not about the baby. It's about my loss and my sadness that right now I should have a 2 month old. When their baby was announced I should have been snuggling my baby. They live pretty far away so I can't actually see the baby right now except in pictures. I was actually there for the birth of their first baby though. These feelings are slightly compounded by the fact that my friend wasn't really there for me during the first loss. I still haven't quite figured it all out and I'm working on forgiving her for good. She's really tried to be there for me this time and she has apologized. So on top of my sadness there is also kind of a twinge of crankiness. Does that make sense? Ugh. It's so hard to describe this and sound sane. So I tried to explain to someone how I was feeling. The person I tried to explain it to was having a bad day herself. She says "Well I thought you were happy for them" in a sort of snappy tone. I started to cry and she apologized. She felt really bad about it. She actually reads this blog so I do want you to know that I'm not mad :)! I get that she was having a bad day and that it was more about the bad day than me! So even though the feelings are really separate in theory, it's kind of hard to sort them out in practice. Are there any other mom's of lost babies that know what I mean here or am I just being a selfish jerk??

Friday, September 23, 2011

Well I did my OPK today and it's negative. I'm so glad I caught that surge yesterday otherwise I would have thought I didn't ovulate this month which would have stressed me. So here's to a finger crossing 2WW. Then I have some decisions to make if I do get a BFP. I'll have to figure out if I want to give up all of my Zumba classes or keep going with them. I guess I'm getting a bit ahead of myself but for some reason I have a really good feeling about this month and I'm feeling super positive. I think it's more of an attitude thing than a premonition, but it still feels good. If it's a BFN instead of a BFP then I'll deal with it and we'll try again. Timing is amazing for this month and next though. If we had a BFP now J would just be getting done with school when the baby was born and that would be so great. We would both have the summer off. The next cycle would be similar. We could both be off together. Then the next few cycles after that would sort of suck since it would be around Bear's due date and because for both of us school would just be starting up. Okay fingers crossed everyone. This time I'm posting the news as soon as I know. Last time I sat on my news for a while hoping to hear a HB before we shared the news, but I needed support through the miscarriage and my family was of course there for me again so I'm just going to share when I know this time!!

Thursday, September 22, 2011


Okay so I knew I was about to ovulate (or O as the abbreviation goes in the TTC world) so I've been peeing on OPKs like crazy. Today I got a positive OPK at about 9:50a.m. Then again I peed on one at about 2p.m. and it already looks negative again. Was my LH surge that quick? Did I maybe catch an overnight surge or something? Guess I'll check again tomorrow and if it's negative again it's over. Hmmm...Good thing we've been BD for the last few nights and I'll make it happen tonight too :)! Here's a picture. What do you think? Positive on the top and negative on the bottom?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


There are so many abbreviations in this TTC game. See--I just used one! TTC means trying to conceive. Pretty much anything and everything has an abbreviation. Today I went to the bathroom to use an OPK. Hahaha! I got you! Another abbreviation. So anyway OPK means ovulation predictor kit. So I used one and noticed something interesting. I had a bunch of EWCM. EWCM stands for egg white cervical mucus. In a year of TTC with 2 losses and charting I have never noticed this before. This is the first time in a year. How cool is that? EWCM is important because it provides a good environment for the sperm to go from vagina to uterus and get fertilized. The sperm has to climb through the cervix and the EWCM is the means for that to happen. Obviously I was fertile as I've been pregnant twice, but this EWCM is a positive sign of fertility. It means I'll be ovulating soon and J and I are trying for our third pregnancy. It's so depressing when I think of it like that. I've seriously been pregnant twice with nothing to show for it. Nothing at all. Except some depression and a set of tiny footprints. Ugh. So hoping this is our chance. Please let us be pregnant this month and get a BFP (big fat postive). I think we deserve this universe. PLEASE!!!

Monday, September 5, 2011


I'm quite unsure how I'm doing. Most days I'm doing really well. Then I have a day that sucks. Yesterday I stayed in bed nearly all day. I guess one day in bed out of a whole month of days isn't that bad. But these whole days in bed are a new thing for me. I never ever used to do this.

I haven't gotten my period yet after this latest loss. It's getting close to about 30 days from the actual miscarriage. When we lost Bear I bled again about 29 days after. But I guess having a D and E is different than a natural miscarriage. I'm not even sure if I ovulated this cycle. I tried a few sticks just to see, but at first they were all negative and then a few days ago they were almost positive for days to be followed by more negatives. Maybe I missed a surge, but if so it doesn't really matter. No BD means no baby LOL. We are definitely feeling this most recently loss in some very personal and sad ways. I think it puts a lot of fear into the whole process. It was there a little after losing Bear, but we just knew it would be okay in the long run. Here we are in the long run and it's not okay.

I've definitely become "that girl" the one no one wants to talk to for fear she will eventually start talking about her lost babies. I totally get it now. I used to know this girl that talked about her lost baby all the time. She was my boss a while back. I didn't respect her for lots of reasons and honestly got tired of her telling her "dead baby" story over and over. Yeah. I'm an idiot. Seriously that's how I thought back then. What the hell did I know? I was a complete jerk. How much more karmic could all of this be. I'm not saying that's why all of this happened to me, but goodness it sure serves me right doesn't it??? Now I'm her. Others are probably wishing I would stop using the word miscarriage and stuff and stop being depressed all of the time. It's awful. I've turned into someone I used to despise. And just to set the record straight it wasn't just her loss that bothered me. She was just not a good boss and farted right on the front teller line (at a bank) and thought it was funny. She called me a prude when I didn't want to go to an adult book store with her and a gay co-worker. Then on top of all of this she talked about her loss often. I get the loss thing now. I feel some serious regret about my attitude. I never showed her my feelings directly, but surely she picked up on them just as I now pick up these things in others when I talk. I don't stop though. My babies deserve to be talked about. They were part of my life. Just as my former boss's baby was a part of hers.

Here is an official heartfelt apology. Former boss, I was a jerk. I'm so sorry I ever had not nice thoughts about your baby loss story. I am now a baby loss mom of 2 and I understand the devastation. Please accept my apology and empathy for your loss.