This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Monday, September 5, 2011


I'm quite unsure how I'm doing. Most days I'm doing really well. Then I have a day that sucks. Yesterday I stayed in bed nearly all day. I guess one day in bed out of a whole month of days isn't that bad. But these whole days in bed are a new thing for me. I never ever used to do this.

I haven't gotten my period yet after this latest loss. It's getting close to about 30 days from the actual miscarriage. When we lost Bear I bled again about 29 days after. But I guess having a D and E is different than a natural miscarriage. I'm not even sure if I ovulated this cycle. I tried a few sticks just to see, but at first they were all negative and then a few days ago they were almost positive for days to be followed by more negatives. Maybe I missed a surge, but if so it doesn't really matter. No BD means no baby LOL. We are definitely feeling this most recently loss in some very personal and sad ways. I think it puts a lot of fear into the whole process. It was there a little after losing Bear, but we just knew it would be okay in the long run. Here we are in the long run and it's not okay.

I've definitely become "that girl" the one no one wants to talk to for fear she will eventually start talking about her lost babies. I totally get it now. I used to know this girl that talked about her lost baby all the time. She was my boss a while back. I didn't respect her for lots of reasons and honestly got tired of her telling her "dead baby" story over and over. Yeah. I'm an idiot. Seriously that's how I thought back then. What the hell did I know? I was a complete jerk. How much more karmic could all of this be. I'm not saying that's why all of this happened to me, but goodness it sure serves me right doesn't it??? Now I'm her. Others are probably wishing I would stop using the word miscarriage and stuff and stop being depressed all of the time. It's awful. I've turned into someone I used to despise. And just to set the record straight it wasn't just her loss that bothered me. She was just not a good boss and farted right on the front teller line (at a bank) and thought it was funny. She called me a prude when I didn't want to go to an adult book store with her and a gay co-worker. Then on top of all of this she talked about her loss often. I get the loss thing now. I feel some serious regret about my attitude. I never showed her my feelings directly, but surely she picked up on them just as I now pick up these things in others when I talk. I don't stop though. My babies deserve to be talked about. They were part of my life. Just as my former boss's baby was a part of hers.

Here is an official heartfelt apology. Former boss, I was a jerk. I'm so sorry I ever had not nice thoughts about your baby loss story. I am now a baby loss mom of 2 and I understand the devastation. Please accept my apology and empathy for your loss.


  1. Hey, just wanted to respond to your comment and check up on you. I don't blame you for not wanting to check the blogs lately. It's not fair that you've had to endure this pain twice :(

    What you were saying about your former boss is kind of how I was with my sister. My sister has an Incompetent Cervix and lost her twin boys at 20 weeks. Not too long after that, she was pregnant again. And I remember telling her that she should have waited was too soon...blah blah blah. I'm not saying that I wasn't sad over my nephews or didn't feel sad for my sister's heartache, but I didn't understand why she had to try again so soon. I just didn't get it. She ended up losing her daughter at 25 weeks and finally just had her rainbow baby after a preventative cerclage. Now, here I the same position...with the same condition. I totally get it now. All I can seem think about are my angels and wanting a healthy baby here with us. Something about loss changes you and can instill an urgent desire to fill those empty arms...

    Anyways, I'm sorry I wrote a book on here. I'm glad you posted an update because I've been thinking about you. I know that you both are still grieving over both losses, but I'm hoping you guys are able to start TTC soon. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! *hugs*

  2. Checking in, glad you're having some good days mixed in there. Our loss really scarred me, I think of the worst before even considering the best anymore. I used to be so positive, so optimistic, almost annoyingly so. Now my first response is almost always negative. I need an attitude adjustment, but I know the way to get it it to wait. Time heals.