This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Thursday, February 6, 2014


Time is relative. I'm pretty sure being pregnant is going to make time move super slowly for me.  The last year was a whirlwind.  I can't believe JJ is 15 months.  But the 9 months are going to creep by.  I got the + test last Friday.  It's now Thursday.  In less than a week I feel like it should have been a month.  I've called the Dr., gotten my progesterone prescription, had a snow day, worked, played etc.  It's been a long week.  Maybe I'm wrong and life will get back to normal pace. Either way I think a long 9 months would be both a blessing and a curse.  A blessing because I could savor every last minute of JJ being an only child, but a curse because of all of the worry and stress I'll carry with me for the next 9 months.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

A sibling for JJ?

Well baby #2 is a possibility. This is my 4th pregnancy. Will it end in a baby or another miscarriage? Terrifying yet exciting all at the same time. Stay tuned!!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

And update!

On this day it seems appropriate to finally post an update. Two years ago today we found out that our baby, Bear, at 19 weeks was no longer alive. We made plans to deliver him and then spent the next two years dealing with his loss. I'm still dealing with it. Every day.

I last posted when I was still pregnant with pregnancy #3. I stopped posting because I was just so terrified and that's all I had to write about. It was okay when I was just sad, but for some reason the terror of losing another pregnancy late had me completely messed up. I was certain that I would never see that baby. Absolutely certain. I knew that I would be sad and dealing with yet another loss. I had no other way to feel. It was impossible to be excited or sure that I would have a baby. I couldn't process that it might actually happen. Even during labor I had a hard time. It wasn't until he was born via c-section after 36 long hours that I realized I was having a baby. He was there. And the words every mom wants to hear--he was PERFECT. Absolutely perfect. I am finally a mom to a baby here on earth. It's amazing and wonderful and so very fulfilling.

Jameson John was born on 10/27/12 at 2:26 in the afternoon and weighed 8 pounds, 14.7 ounces. The Ceserean was necessary because my water broke and my labor wasn't progressing. After 36 hours the doctor told me I had no choice. The c section was pretty rough and it turned out Jameson was sort of stuck in my pelvis-which is why my labor didn't progress.

I would like to talk about all of the awesome joys and challenges of parenting-but I'll be back another day to do that. Right now, it's about Bear. Even finally having a baby in my life I still think about Bear. I'll put Jameson in an outfit that was meant for Bear and I tell Jameson about it. I explain to him that he's wearing a special outfit that belonged to his brother. I cry. I get mad and I still hurt. But I'm also grateful. Jameson is perfect. I wouldn't have had him without all of this heartache. I would have had a different baby. A 19 month old by now. A baby with special needs. It's interesting because my husband has always mourned a "perfect" baby. I've always mourned the baby I actually carried. Bear. With T21. An extra chromosome that would have made him special. I mourn that. I'm sure it would have been tough being a mom to a kid with special needs. I'm sure we would have struggled with the decision to have any more kids after that. I'm grateful that Jameson is perfect, which makes me feel guilty too. It's so crazy all of the emotions that come with this! It absoultely helps to have a happy, healthy baby. But it definitely doesn't make it 100% better.

I'm so grateful for every moment of the last 2 1/2 years. I carried 3 babies. Only one made it, but I still think about the other 2 often. I know that the pain and struggle of this process is helping me appreciate every exhausting moment of taking care of a newborn. I LOVE being a mom. Jameson smiles when I walk into the room and my heart melts. Without the struggle would the reward have been so sweet? I don't know, but I do know it's not fair. Even though I appreciate every moment and love my baby with every ounce of my being--I hate that it came at a cost. That two other babies had to not be here on earth with me to get to this point. Human reproduction sucks. That's just it. My first ob/gyn told me that "pregnancy is inefficient." At the time he really pissed me off. But now I get it. I've heard so many stories of loss and heartache and have seen that this type of thing is actually normal. The people who have it easy and can pop out kids with no problems and no issues--they are the ones that are abnormal. Seriously. 1 in 4 people have a miscarriage. That's a lot of people. And on top of that don't even get me started on the non-miscarriages but millions of things that can go wrong during a pregnancy. The EIF, positive risk screens, etc. So many things to deal with. there it is. I'm alive and well and parenting a super happy 4 month old. Want to see some pictures? Of course you do! Here they are :)!

Here is Jameson at 4 months and one week old! Super happy kiddo!

This picture with the crown is Jameson's newborn photo.  He was about 2 weeks old!  The photo below is on his 4 month birthday!

This picture was at about 3 months.

Yes, life is good.  But it's also bittersweet isn't it?

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

It's a.....BOY

Sorry to wait so long between posts! May is a busy time for me at work and I didn't have much spare time at work or at home!

We had our 20 week ultrasound on June 4th with a specialist. The day started out pretty crappy. I had scheduled our appointment 8 weeks prior. I had it listed as 11:30a.m. in my phone. J and I were up and ready to go pretty early and were just waiting to leave. At about 10:20, right before we were planning on leaving, I received a phone call from my regular OB's office. They said that we no showed on our ultrasound and wanted to know what was going on. I explained that our appointment was at 11:30 and we weren't late. So I ended up having to call the specialist and we argued for a few minutes about the time. Finally I said "there's no way I would deliberately miss this appointment. At this point it doesn't matter what time it was supposed to be, we need to know if we can be seen." They said if we could get there right away they would try to fit us in. We live like 45 minutes away so we rushed out the door and made it in about 30 minutes. Yeah, we might have sped a bit!!

Once we arrived they got us right in. At that point J and I were cranky, I was crying and we were so stressed. So to begin with this experience wasn't quite what I would have chosen for us!

Right away the Dr. said he saw the HB and my anxiety dropped a few notches. We found out we lost Bear at our anatomy ultrasound and I think we were both expecting bad news. I just knew that things were going to be bad and we were going to go home sad. But, I was wrong. The baby's heart was still beating. The Dr. also said right away he didn't see boy parts. He ended up being wrong though I guess. He said the baby was in a really bad position. He was breech, and he was squished up against my placenta (which is still in the wrong place) and uterus and it was hard to get a good angle. So ultimately he decided he thought he saw a scrotum and a penis. So we are going for boy at this point!

Of course, nothing can just be all good. I so wanted 100% good news with no worries. I didn't get it. I still have placenta previa where my placenta is completely covering my cervix. It hasn't moved at all since week 12 and might have gotten a bit worse. I'm just going to be excited that it means more ultrasounds for monitoring. We go back in 8 weeks to recheck. I guess if it doesn't move we are looking at a Csection. I'm terrified of a Csection, but will endure what I need to in order to get my little guy out!

So finally, the doctor starts checking out the heart. He indicates that there is a "bright spot" or an echogenic focus on the heart. He immiediately says "This can raise the odds for a DS pregnancy." My heart dropped. We've been through this. We've had a DS pregnancy. We lost our T21 baby and are devestated about the loss. I couldn't believe we might have to go through something like that again. The Dr. said the nurse could recalcuate our odds from our integrated screening. So the odds went from 1 in 3100 to 1 in 1900. I know it seems crazy to continue to worry with odds that great, but I just can't help it. After being the ONE (two times in a row), it's hard to imagine fate passing us by and letting us be one of the 1900.

The doctor was in a hurry and wanted to leave for the day. I did feel like it was a little rushed. He left the room left me to get dressed. When I came back out he was back in the room and said he just realized I would be a good candidate for the Harmony test, which they were just starting to offer. In fact if I agreed I would be their first patient, because they didn't even have the paperwork or anything yet. They were going to figure all of that out and get back to me.

At first I was eager to get that done. J sort of talked me out of it though and I think he's right. We are now committed to this pregnancy. We are 21 weeks. I could not live with myself if I terminated a baby at 21 weeks. It would be even later by the time we did the test and got the results. So by then we might be out of the range of termination anyway. But even so, we had already decided not to terminate. I was willing to carry any baby as long as I could. Whether it had a fatal prenatal diagnosis or abnormal chromosomes we were committed. So the test would only give us more to worry about. If there were more health issues involved or more soft markers maybe we would do testing, but at this point he looks healthy. Often the EF is nothing. Tons of babies have it and are born just fine. The research I've done looks like between 5-10% of babies have this. The DS connection comes in becuase up to 30% of DS babies have the EF. But it's not a direct connection. Babies with and WITHOUT DS have this EF. So I'm hoping that the screening bloodwork works for us just like it did with Bear. With Bear it came out positivie and he did have DS. I'm hoping that with this LO it came out negative and those results will turn out to be spot on!

Now I just need to get through 19 more weeks :)!

Monday, May 14, 2012

I'm crazy

My doctor tried to temper my "crazy" a bit today. I had an appoinment just less than 2 weeks ago for a yeast infection. She suggested I push my appointment back that I had today and I told her I wanted to come in since I was getting ready to travel to Colorado and becuase we are in the time frame in terms of weeks when we lost Bear. She let me come in mostly because of the travel I think.

Well today I saw her, the baby's HB was 150 and everything looks okay. She told me to come back in 4 weeks, or to just make an appointment on the same day I see the perinatologist (3 weeks) if I wanted to combine appointments. I asked her if I could come in before our perinatologist appointment. She explained that there was no need and that I should be coming in every 4 weeks. I tried to explain to her my stress level and how crazy I was about the baby being okay at this point. With Bear I had an appointment at 16+ weeks, got the 2nd tri bloodwork and received a phone call around 18 weeks about the bloodwork being positive. We had the Level 2 ultrasound at 19 weeks. At that appointment we found out we had already lost him. So somewhere between 16+ weeks and 19 weeks our baby died. I am now 17 weeks and going crazy with concern. My doctor tried to explain that there was a specific reason (T21) that we lost the baby and that this baby looks fine so far. She quoted me my first trimester screen results and tried to reassure me. I appreciated her reassurance but also was stressed about the fact that she kind of almost dismissed my stress level. I get that she was honestly trying to be helpful, but good first trimester screen results don't mean crap. The baby can still die. There are a thousand things that can go wrong. I follow many BLM blogs and I've read many things about why people lose babies. It's not always genetic. There's still the 1% chance something could go wrong. And having been the less than 1% chance in the past I feel like I'll always be THE ONE. So anyway the whole point of this is that she urged me to visit in 3 weeks when I see the perinatologist. She basically said that if my crazy got the better of me in the meantime I could call the office and schedule an appointment to hear the HB.

So anyway. I'm still convinced something bad will happen. I'm just totally convinced. I fly to Colorado on Wed. morning. I'm half convinced the plane will crash. I'm never scared of flying, but all of the sudden for this trip I'm terrified. I'm so scared that now I have what I want we will both go down with the plane. Dumb huh? I was an aviation major with a pilot's license in college. I'm not scared of flying at all. Yet all of the sudden I'm terrified. I'm definitely going to overcome my fear and take the trip, but goodness all of this fear isn't good for me. So then I'm scared we will lose the baby really late to some cord accident or something. Or the placenta previa won't go away and will cause problems. Then I imagine we will actually have the baby but lose him to an infection or illness. I've become obsessed with stories of whooping cough and some herpes meningitis thing. I don't have whooping cough and have been vaccinated, but I'm worried about other people. I don't have herpes, but read this story about mom's who had their babies and then they got super sick within a week or two and ended up with some crazy form of herpes that inhabits the nervous system and causes all kinds of problems for babies. Most people have HSV1 (cold sore type herpes), I don't think I actually have it since I've never had a cold sore in my life, but what if I have a dormant version that ends up killing the baby? Or what if my family has it and kisses the baby? Or what about SIDS? I've been reading more and more stories of losses due to SIDS. Yes, I'm crazy. I just can't imagine a happy outcome. I can imagine multiple ways we could lose this sweet little baby, but my mind will not let me imagine a happy ending with him cuddling in my arms and smiling up at me. Does this make me crazy? Or just a mom who has had some bad luck?

In less crazy news I'm convinced that this baby is a boy. J is also. So won't we be surprised when it's a little girl LOL? Boy or girl we've decided on a nursery theme! J wanted animals. He said that it's a good way for the kids to start learning animals. I just hate the idea of those stupid cutsey zoo animals all over the place (no offense to anyone who has zoo animal nurseries LOL). So I googled animal themes and found some adorable woodland/forest nursery sets. Soooo cute. J and I love to hike, backpack and climb mountains so it's perfect for us! So excited. Also J's parents offered to purchase the nursery furniture for us which is a HUGE expense! So that's awesome.

I keep thinking I'll commit more fully after the 20 week ultrasound. I need to see that the baby is fine, that there aren't any obvious issus on the ultrasound before I can commit. I need to know if it's a boy or a girl so we can start thinking of names. I need to get past the point when we lost Bear so I can give my heart to this baby instead of wishing that we had Bear. It's hard and I don't know how many people get it, but a new pregnancy doesn't replace the lost baby. It almost makes it harder. I wanted Bear. I still do. I'm still sad. I'm crying as I write this. I love the new baby, but can't commit my entire heart to him until I know for sure he wil live. Which is dumb becuase it's not fair. This baby deserves every ounce of love I have to give. I hope that at the 20 week ultrasound no matter what happens I can figure all of that out. J and I have decided to commit to this pregnancy either way. Now if only I could figure out how to actually do that!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

16 Weeks

I just wanted to post a quick note so you knew I was still doing okay! We are 16+ weeks now and everything is still looking okay. I have to go in for my 2nd blood draw for the risk screening this week and I'm sort of anxious. That's how we found out there was going to be a problem with Bear. So this part makes me nervous. On top of that sometime between 16 and 19 weeks is when we lost Bear. So I'm going to be a mess these next few weeks.

I saw my doctor last week for a yest infection and she said I could cancel my appointment I had coming up on the 14th. I explained to her that I would prefer to be seen again for a couple of reasons. One, I'm getting really nervous. I need to hear that heart beat. And second, I'm going out of town to Colorado for a conference and want to make sure everything is okay before I get on a plane. She was kind of noncommittal and just told me to do what I wanted. She's really not great with bedside manner, but I'll give her a break on that because she really seems to know what she's doing.

I do have a home doppler, but I never feel super confident with it. I do hear the heartbeat on it, but then second guess myself and tell myself it was my own HB, or the placenta or whatever. Not sure why I do that. I'm also not really sure if I'm feeling movement or not yet. It's kind of hard to tell if it's digestion or movement. Hopefully in a few weeks it will be obvious.

I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that we get a baby in October. I still can't imagine that it will for real happen. I'm just holding my breath waiting for it all to get snatched away from me.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Can't stop crying!

Got our test results from the doctor today that combined the neck fold measurement and the blood work.

Risk for T21 1 in 1,100
Risk for T18 1 in 10,000

I am in my office at work and seriously cannot stop crying. My husband and I were both convinced we would get back crappy results that would require more agonizing and stress and decision making. Instead we get about the best odds you can get at my age.

I need to let go and just be happy. Well of course I can always stress about the second trimester screen, or maybe the placenta previa....or how about the other things that don't show up on an NT scan....someone save me from myself.