This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Monday, March 26, 2012

10 Weeks

So everything turned out mostly just fine last week. Let me explain.

Good news: Had an ultrasound. Baby was measuring 9 weeks 1 day (1 day ahead) and had a strong heart beat of 174. The spotting must have been from the pap or something.

Bad news: I told the OB/Gyn I wasn't feeling well and listed my symptoms. She suggested I had the flu and just take it easy. Well taking it easy sounds like good advice, but I had been running a fever for 2 days at that point and of course I had been looking on the internet about how fevers can affect your unborn child and there are lots of negative things out there. So on day 5 of the fever I saw my primary care doctor who prescribed me an antibiotic because on top of the flu I had bronchitis. She wanted me to call the OB/Gyn and make sure they were okay with the antibiotic. So I called them and they said they would call me back. It's now 5 days later and they never called me back so I'm going to have to call them today. As well as things had been going with this new doctor now I'm kind of annoyed they couldn't return a simple phone call.

Anyway, I'm still sick with a cough and am up basically all night hacking. I'm exhausted, my voice sounds like a dead horse and I came to work today because I've been off for a week and am afraid they might replace me.

So...things turned out okay with the baby, but this illness, the fever and all the tylenol and Mucinex I've been taking give me just one more long list of things I'm now worried about :)!

April 11th is our NT scan! I'm hoping that goes awesome and I can start to relax and maybe even announce this pregnancy at work and to the rest of my family and friends!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Ultrasound Tomorrow

My new awesome doctor was not too concerned about the spotting. But she still suggested we do an ultrasound tomorrow just to make sure. I'm so happy she's willing to put our minds at ease. I hope it's nothing, but I'm glad she's taking it seriously. This really makes it clear she's the right doc for me. Now though I'm also battling a fever. I've had mild cold/sore throat symptoms for 2 days. Then I took my temp at 5pm and it was 100.5. So I took 2 tylenol (I did mention cold to docs office and they went over approved meds) and my temp went up to 101.1 even with tylenol. So now I have a cold compress on my head and am hoping fever comes down. Hubby is out fetching approved cough syrup, hard candy for throat and mashed potatoes lol. I'll update you all tomorrow. Thanks so much for the love and support!! Ps-typing on phone so typos are inevitable!

No, no, please no........

Just went to the bathroom and noticed about a quarter sized spot of brown blood on my underwear when I went to the bathroom. Please, please don't let this be the start of a miscarriage. Please. Last time it was pinkish blood and it started when I wiped. This was actually already on my panties. I usually wear a pad because of leakage from my progesterone, but today I was in a hurry and must have forgotten. I can't handle this again. I just can't. I've really been feeling like this was it. And to answer any questions, my pap was last Friday and no DTD has been done lately. So could a pap on Friday have caused this? Seems like I would have spotted that day or the next and not 4 days later. I'm not even sure I want to tell J. I did call the doctor and they said a nurse would call me either later today or early tomorrow. Any good stories out there? I'll let you guys know if the bleeding gets worse. I'm at work now and think I'm going to go home. I can't handle worrying about this here.

Friday, March 16, 2012


I had another appointment with my doctor today. She just did a pap and took cultures. We chatted for a few minutes about my fears and questions. I wasn't too sure about her initially. She seems very clinical and not very warm. I decided though that I like her. At one point she asked if I was going to breastfeed. I laughed and said "It's hard to even imagine getting to that point." She patted me on the back and said with confidence "I think you will this time, I'm sure we'll get there." She is human after all. So I think with her clinical ability and her ability to also be warm when the situation dictates she's a good choice for me this time around. All of my blood work from the last visit looked good. She went over them individually and I thought it was kind of funny that she informed me that I was HIV negative, Syphilis negative, Hepatitis Negative and a few more I don't even remember. I guess I knew they did an HIV test, but I had no idea they did syphilis. I supposed it's a good thing they test for all of that, but it's also kind of annoying. I was tested for all of that a little over a year ago and the law is they have to retest every pregnancy. In my case I was 100% sure all the results would be the same. I'm sure there are cases even with married people where someone cheats or whatever and the results aren't what they expect, but it still seems like a waste of time and money to redo the tests every time. So my next appointment with her is in 4 weeks and I'm still waiting for them to schedule my NT scan. So for now, it still looks good!

Thursday, March 8, 2012


Ultrasound photos from 3/8/12 of Baby #3. Let's hope the third time is the charm :)

Good News

The appointment yesterday went well. We had an ultrasound at 2:30 and the tech said first she was going to measure the cervix and look at the ovaries. I was kind of irritated, because who makes someone wait to see the baby?? She even knew we had previous losses. So after she looked those things over she said "and here is the baby, see that cardiac flutter" and then she played it for us. I started crying immediately. I looked over at J and his face was just totally blank. Later he shared with me that he had a flashback to Bear's ultrasound and learning that he was already gone. So for him it was hard to do. I'll get back to that later. So anyway, the baby was in there, the heart was beating at 141 and it was lovely to see the babe and hear the heart beat. I'm so thrilled that this first step of many went well.

One of the reasons J had a hard time was that yesterday was the one year anniversary (or angelversary as my lovely cousin and BFF Christina called it!!) of our finding out that Bear was gone. So we had a hard time that the ultrasound and Bear's day were all the same. We were hoping for good news so that this didn't have to be a day we grieved forever. I mean we will grieve it forever, but at least we don't have two babies to grieve right?

I see the doctor next Friday for a pap and all of those lovely cultures they do each pregnancy. I had all of the prenatal blood draws yesterday at the appointment. Next Friday I'm going to insist that they schedule us for an NT scan in week 11 and ask about the MaterniT21 blood testing. I didn't actually see the doctor at this appointment so couldn't ask those questions. We just saw the ultrasound tech and then a nurse for what they called an "interview."

I did take a picture of the ultrasound pics to post on here, but I'm having a hard time getting my phone to send them to my email. So if they ever go through I'll post them.

As for telling family and friends, I think we will probably continue to wait just a little bit. It would be nice to know that the odds of another chromosome problem are low before we announce to everyone. Maybe we'll start telling a few more people, but definitely not everyone yet. Hoping we get a healthy and happy 9 months with as little worrying as we can manage.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Nervous and Scared

I know I haven't updated, but I'm just so nervous. I am scared to get hopeful and have it ripped away once again. But, since today is our first ultrasound, it seems like it's time for an update.

At 9dpo I had a blood draw and my HCG was 20.8. At 11dpo I had my second blood draw and my HCG was 56. So it more than doubled. The doctor indicated that was a good sign and that we probably weren't looking at an early loss. That was weeks ago though and now I'm 7 weeks 2 days and we have our first appointment and ultrasound at 2:30. We are both so scared and hopeful. I'm not sure either of us can go through all of this again. If we lose this baby I have no idea if we will have the strength to go on and try again. I'm 36 and will be 37 in September. My time is relatively limited for having kids and the depression that hits me with each loss is difficult to handle. I just don't know if I can do this again. I'm not really ready to imagine my life without children either though.

So instead of worrying about that I will just hope that everything goes well today and for the weeks to come!

As far as symptoms, this has been my most symptomatic pregnancy yet. I've been super queasy and have been gagging and dry heaving. I haven't really actually thrown up yet, but it almost might be better if I did. I feel like I'm on a boat all day long I'm so motion sick. I also have been forgetful and ditzy. I'm normally forgetful and ditzy, but this pregnancy makes me about 10 times worse which is really unfortunate-I kind of seem like an idiot half the time. Last week I lost my keys at work. I literally could not find my keys for a 1/2 hour. I had 4 student workers helping me look for my keys all over. I had to cancel a Zumba class I was supposed to teach because I couldn't leave the gym. I felt like an idiot. I've also been really tired and when I get home at night from work I just lay on the couch and read or watch dumb stuff on TV. It's exhausting! My boobs are sore (and growing), my sense of smell is heightened, and my dreams are vivid and crazy. So hopefully all of these symptoms mean that things are going well.

I'll try to update tomorrow with the results of the ultrasound and appointment. Now I'm off to start compiling my list of questions for the doctor. I'm thinking about trying to get the MaterniT21 testing because of our previous T21 loss. Not sure if I'm eligible or not though because I saw one site said you had to be under 35. So if they say no, I might go for an amnio this time if J agrees. I hate the odds of miscarriage, but I also hate the not knowing. So if anyone did the MaterniT21 can you share your experiences in the comments?