This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Nervous and Scared

I know I haven't updated, but I'm just so nervous. I am scared to get hopeful and have it ripped away once again. But, since today is our first ultrasound, it seems like it's time for an update.

At 9dpo I had a blood draw and my HCG was 20.8. At 11dpo I had my second blood draw and my HCG was 56. So it more than doubled. The doctor indicated that was a good sign and that we probably weren't looking at an early loss. That was weeks ago though and now I'm 7 weeks 2 days and we have our first appointment and ultrasound at 2:30. We are both so scared and hopeful. I'm not sure either of us can go through all of this again. If we lose this baby I have no idea if we will have the strength to go on and try again. I'm 36 and will be 37 in September. My time is relatively limited for having kids and the depression that hits me with each loss is difficult to handle. I just don't know if I can do this again. I'm not really ready to imagine my life without children either though.

So instead of worrying about that I will just hope that everything goes well today and for the weeks to come!

As far as symptoms, this has been my most symptomatic pregnancy yet. I've been super queasy and have been gagging and dry heaving. I haven't really actually thrown up yet, but it almost might be better if I did. I feel like I'm on a boat all day long I'm so motion sick. I also have been forgetful and ditzy. I'm normally forgetful and ditzy, but this pregnancy makes me about 10 times worse which is really unfortunate-I kind of seem like an idiot half the time. Last week I lost my keys at work. I literally could not find my keys for a 1/2 hour. I had 4 student workers helping me look for my keys all over. I had to cancel a Zumba class I was supposed to teach because I couldn't leave the gym. I felt like an idiot. I've also been really tired and when I get home at night from work I just lay on the couch and read or watch dumb stuff on TV. It's exhausting! My boobs are sore (and growing), my sense of smell is heightened, and my dreams are vivid and crazy. So hopefully all of these symptoms mean that things are going well.

I'll try to update tomorrow with the results of the ultrasound and appointment. Now I'm off to start compiling my list of questions for the doctor. I'm thinking about trying to get the MaterniT21 testing because of our previous T21 loss. Not sure if I'm eligible or not though because I saw one site said you had to be under 35. So if they say no, I might go for an amnio this time if J agrees. I hate the odds of miscarriage, but I also hate the not knowing. So if anyone did the MaterniT21 can you share your experiences in the comments?

1 comment:

  1. I really hope the ultrasound goes well and get a glimpse at a healthy little baby. I can imagine how tough this journey has been for you, and I'm praying for you. Can't wait to read your update on the ultrasound.