This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Thursday, June 30, 2011


Cycle day 10 of my new cycle. I've been taking OPK's since CD6. I think they are slowly starting to get darker. I'm excited to confirm my internet cheapie test with a digital once I think it's positive. It will be nice to get confirmation and not just have to rely on my eyes! Going camping this weekend so not sure how that will affect testing with opks and the BD!!!!

The picture is Cycle day 6 on the top down to today's cycle day 10. CD 10 isn't labeled, but the rest are. I do think they are getting darker.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Time just keeps on moving doesn't it? I can't believe it's almost been 4 months. In some ways it feels like yesterday and in some ways it feels like forever. I really thought I would get pregnant again right away and I struggle with the fact that I'm not. The pain isn't quite as raw as it was in the beginning. Now it's definitely more of a dull ache and a random depression. I just get sad at the oddest times.

This weekend J and I were in Old Navy buying him some shorts. He got these khaki cargo shorts and we were walking around the store. We ended up walking by the baby section (not intentionally) and J grabbed the sweetest little tiny pair of baby cargo shorts off of the rack that looked just like the ones he picked out for himself. His face was just devastated. I could see the pain in his eyes and I knew how sad he was. I started to cry right there in Old Navy.

Or how about yesterday when we were hiking and came across a dad with a baby in a hiking back pack carrier. She was so sweet and the dad was really doing a strenuous hike with the little girl on his back. J and I were so sad after encountering them. We just couldn't stop thinking about how that should be us with a baby strapped to our back.

Some days I get so mad at myself for waiting so long to try to have kids. Maybe I could have gotten knocked up and had a healthy baby if I had just tried earlier. But the problem with that is that J wouldn't have been the dad and I might have never met him. I'm glad for the life I have now but I do sometimes wonder if I would trade it in to be a mom. I'm sure hoping I still get the chance.

Friday, June 17, 2011


My story was published on the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope website. Here is the link:

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope


Blogger is making me so mad. First of all I still can't comment on posts. I really want to tell Kara (another BLM) how much I'm thinking of her. But Blogger has it out for me and won't let me post. Then I wrote a few paragraph post yesterday and it didn't publish it. I have no idea what's going on.

So anyway...I guess I'll see if I can get a post to publish today.

I'm on day 22 of a 25 day cycle. I'm 100% I'm not pregnant. My pre-period symtpoms have all been present and they are not pregancy symptoms. So I'm sure I'm out for this month. I have taken some pregnancy tests and they are all negative. I just don't understand why it's taking time to get pregnant. We got pregnant the first month last time without really even trying. At that time I used to just keep track of my cycles on a program on my iPod. It would give me green days when I should be fertile. I made sure we DTD (Did the deed) on some green days and I ended up pregnant. Now I'm temping, using ovulation predictor kits, checking my cervical mucus, and really making sure we DTD a ton and I'm not pregnant. It's really frustrating. I guess last time was just a lucky thing that turned out not to be so lucky. I sure hope it doesn't take a year. I can't remember the exact number, but the statistics for women over 35 are about 8 months to a year of TTC before getting pregnant I think.

I'm headed out of town on Sunday to go to a Yoga Nidra training at Kripalu. I'm really excited to get away for a bit. I think J and I can use some space too. I'm hoping to do some blogging while I'm gone, but I'll play with blogging pics from Kripalu I think!

OOOH!! I published this post and then went in to edit it and give it a title and noticed that yesterday's post was saved as a draft. Woohoo. I'm going to go see if I can figure out how to publish it now!

Thursday, June 16, 2011


I'm leaving on Sunday for a 6 day trip for a Yoga training. Maybe I'll practice blogging from my phone with beautiful pictures of my yoga training place!

I'm not too optimistic for pregnancy this month. My charting isn't looking good. Even though I got that great postive opk and timed things well it looks like a no go this month. I'm hoping I can relax even more and just let things happen and remember that these things take time and we just got super lucky the first time. And look how that turned out.

I'm very pissed off at Blogger still as I can't comment on the blogs of others. I really wanted to tell another BLM that I'm thinking of her as her due date approaches....but it isn't to be. So Kara if you visit me over here...I'm thinking of you!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


My sister stumbled upon my blog last night I guess. She texted me to tell me this message "I just read your blog...I love you!!! You are an amazing, strong and inspiring person!!! I love you!!!" LOL. Do you think she included enough I love you's or exclamation points! I didn't ask her how she stumbled up on it. I'm assuming my Facebook page. I actually added the link for this blog to FB and just assumed that anyone who found it was welcome to read it. I never gave her the link personally because I'm a big sister and I protect my little sister from pain whenever I can. I thought her reading this would be painful and I wanted to save her that. She said she did cry when she read it. So now I've got 2 readers that actually know me in person. So if you don't want to know all about my trying to get pregnant stuff then don't read LOL!

So I'm 8DPO (days past ovulation) today. I broke down and tested and got a BFN (Big fat negative). It's really too early though. I just can't stress enough how much I hope this is the month. I do think I'm in a better place this month than I was last month. I'm still sad, but I'm able to go through most days without a major breakdown.

I started teaching yoga again, which is huge. I avoided yoga for about 3 months thinking it would cause me to go too deep into myself. Now that I'm doing okay, it just feels good to get back to my practice. I also signed myself up for a weeklong training program at Kripalu for a Yoga Nidra training. I'm super excited. I leave Sunday.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


Positive OPK at Day 12 by girltrekkie
Positive OPK at Day 12, a photo by girltrekkie on Flickr.

Positive OPK at Day 12


Well that's no good when life gets in the way of my blogging now is it?? Work and life have both been very busy and unexpected lately.

The Memorial Holiday weekend we had really bad storms and ended up losing power for four days. We had to go spend the weekend with my in laws. It was awful (the storms, not the in laws LOL!). I was actually driving during the worst part of the storm and was honest to goodness scared for my life. I saw a tornado forming and had to dodge multiple falling trees and I ran into some power lines that were thankfully not live. Our area in north central PA was hit pretty hard for several days with confirmed tornados. Pretty crazy.

Luckily no one got hurt and we made out with minimal damage. We lost two pretty Willow trees (my favorites) in our yard and some shingles on our roof. So once the power was restored we spent the next few days trying to wrestle the fallen trees down and get rid of them.

Then after those crazy storms it seems like things have just gotten busy. I'm back to teaching Zumba for our local Curves on Monday nights, I have meetings for the class I'm taking on Wedneday nights and it seems like something else always comes up on Tuesday and Thursday.

I'm doing pretty well. I seem to have gotten some of my bubbliness back. I know that probably isn't even a word. But that's how I feel. Like some of my lost mojo has silently crept back in. I have more energy, I have been accomplishing more at work and I've been spending less time in bed watching TV. I don't think the depression is truly over, but I think it's getting better.

I am still charting and hoping for a baby. We tried last month with no success. I did the temping, charting and using opks (ovulation predictors). This month I'm doing the same thing. I got a positive OPK last night and realized that last month I never saw one that was as dark and never got a true positive last month so don't think I even ovulated. My temps were also all over the place. I posted a separate blog post from Flickr with the pic of my progression from Cycle day 8 to Cycle day 12on the OPKs.

Oh and just a random note...Blogger is seriously pissing me off. I can't comment on other people's blogs any more. It keeps redirecting me to log in and then won't actually let me post the comment. One of the BLM (baby loss mamas) that I follow got her BFP (postive pregnancy test--big fat positive) and I wanted to congratulate her. So Lauren if you happen to stop by and catch this...I'm SOOO happy for you :)!!!