Time

Time just keeps on moving doesn't it? I can't believe it's almost been 4 months. In some ways it feels like yesterday and in some ways it feels like forever. I really thought I would get pregnant again right away and I struggle with the fact that I'm not. The pain isn't quite as raw as it was in the beginning. Now it's definitely more of a dull ache and a random depression. I just get sad at the oddest times.

This weekend J and I were in Old Navy buying him some shorts. He got these khaki cargo shorts and we were walking around the store. We ended up walking by the baby section (not intentionally) and J grabbed the sweetest little tiny pair of baby cargo shorts off of the rack that looked just like the ones he picked out for himself. His face was just devastated. I could see the pain in his eyes and I knew how sad he was. I started to cry right there in Old Navy.

Or how about yesterday when we were hiking and came across a dad with a baby in a hiking back pack carrier. She was so sweet and the dad was really doing a strenuous hike with the little girl on his back. J and I were so sad after encountering them. We just couldn't stop thinking about how that should be us with a baby strapped to our back.

Some days I get so mad at myself for waiting so long to try to have kids. Maybe I could have gotten knocked up and had a healthy baby if I had just tried earlier. But the problem with that is that J wouldn't have been the dad and I might have never met him. I'm glad for the life I have now but I do sometimes wonder if I would trade it in to be a mom. I'm sure hoping I still get the chance.