This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Monday, May 14, 2012

I'm crazy

My doctor tried to temper my "crazy" a bit today. I had an appoinment just less than 2 weeks ago for a yeast infection. She suggested I push my appointment back that I had today and I told her I wanted to come in since I was getting ready to travel to Colorado and becuase we are in the time frame in terms of weeks when we lost Bear. She let me come in mostly because of the travel I think.

Well today I saw her, the baby's HB was 150 and everything looks okay. She told me to come back in 4 weeks, or to just make an appointment on the same day I see the perinatologist (3 weeks) if I wanted to combine appointments. I asked her if I could come in before our perinatologist appointment. She explained that there was no need and that I should be coming in every 4 weeks. I tried to explain to her my stress level and how crazy I was about the baby being okay at this point. With Bear I had an appointment at 16+ weeks, got the 2nd tri bloodwork and received a phone call around 18 weeks about the bloodwork being positive. We had the Level 2 ultrasound at 19 weeks. At that appointment we found out we had already lost him. So somewhere between 16+ weeks and 19 weeks our baby died. I am now 17 weeks and going crazy with concern. My doctor tried to explain that there was a specific reason (T21) that we lost the baby and that this baby looks fine so far. She quoted me my first trimester screen results and tried to reassure me. I appreciated her reassurance but also was stressed about the fact that she kind of almost dismissed my stress level. I get that she was honestly trying to be helpful, but good first trimester screen results don't mean crap. The baby can still die. There are a thousand things that can go wrong. I follow many BLM blogs and I've read many things about why people lose babies. It's not always genetic. There's still the 1% chance something could go wrong. And having been the less than 1% chance in the past I feel like I'll always be THE ONE. So anyway the whole point of this is that she urged me to visit in 3 weeks when I see the perinatologist. She basically said that if my crazy got the better of me in the meantime I could call the office and schedule an appointment to hear the HB.

So anyway. I'm still convinced something bad will happen. I'm just totally convinced. I fly to Colorado on Wed. morning. I'm half convinced the plane will crash. I'm never scared of flying, but all of the sudden for this trip I'm terrified. I'm so scared that now I have what I want we will both go down with the plane. Dumb huh? I was an aviation major with a pilot's license in college. I'm not scared of flying at all. Yet all of the sudden I'm terrified. I'm definitely going to overcome my fear and take the trip, but goodness all of this fear isn't good for me. So then I'm scared we will lose the baby really late to some cord accident or something. Or the placenta previa won't go away and will cause problems. Then I imagine we will actually have the baby but lose him to an infection or illness. I've become obsessed with stories of whooping cough and some herpes meningitis thing. I don't have whooping cough and have been vaccinated, but I'm worried about other people. I don't have herpes, but read this story about mom's who had their babies and then they got super sick within a week or two and ended up with some crazy form of herpes that inhabits the nervous system and causes all kinds of problems for babies. Most people have HSV1 (cold sore type herpes), I don't think I actually have it since I've never had a cold sore in my life, but what if I have a dormant version that ends up killing the baby? Or what if my family has it and kisses the baby? Or what about SIDS? I've been reading more and more stories of losses due to SIDS. Yes, I'm crazy. I just can't imagine a happy outcome. I can imagine multiple ways we could lose this sweet little baby, but my mind will not let me imagine a happy ending with him cuddling in my arms and smiling up at me. Does this make me crazy? Or just a mom who has had some bad luck?

In less crazy news I'm convinced that this baby is a boy. J is also. So won't we be surprised when it's a little girl LOL? Boy or girl we've decided on a nursery theme! J wanted animals. He said that it's a good way for the kids to start learning animals. I just hate the idea of those stupid cutsey zoo animals all over the place (no offense to anyone who has zoo animal nurseries LOL). So I googled animal themes and found some adorable woodland/forest nursery sets. Soooo cute. J and I love to hike, backpack and climb mountains so it's perfect for us! So excited. Also J's parents offered to purchase the nursery furniture for us which is a HUGE expense! So that's awesome.

I keep thinking I'll commit more fully after the 20 week ultrasound. I need to see that the baby is fine, that there aren't any obvious issus on the ultrasound before I can commit. I need to know if it's a boy or a girl so we can start thinking of names. I need to get past the point when we lost Bear so I can give my heart to this baby instead of wishing that we had Bear. It's hard and I don't know how many people get it, but a new pregnancy doesn't replace the lost baby. It almost makes it harder. I wanted Bear. I still do. I'm still sad. I'm crying as I write this. I love the new baby, but can't commit my entire heart to him until I know for sure he wil live. Which is dumb becuase it's not fair. This baby deserves every ounce of love I have to give. I hope that at the 20 week ultrasound no matter what happens I can figure all of that out. J and I have decided to commit to this pregnancy either way. Now if only I could figure out how to actually do that!


  1. After our 16-week loss, I was on pins and needles from 16 weeks to the 20-week ultrasound. It's a hard time to get through, but just breathe :)

  2. Haven't seen an update from you in awhile. Hope everything is going well! Thinking about you!