Tuesday, September 27, 2011
This is one of those things that I think only people who have lost a baby can get. I mean maybe you say you get it, or can at least sort of see what I'm feeling, but I think it might be hard to understand. So if you haven't lost a baby please read this with only compassion in your heart :-)! So anyway. My best friend had a baby today. I have known her C-section was booked for today. I've talked to her about it and I was prepared for the baby to get here. Yes I'm 100% excited and happy for them. The problem is that it creates sadness in me too. It breaks my heart and makes me want to scream and yell and throw things against a wall. So these conflicting emotions are really hard for some people to get. But you have to see the separation here. My happiness is for them. I'm thrilled their baby arrived safe and sound. The sadness is only for me. It's not about them. It's not about the baby. It's about my loss and my sadness that right now I should have a 2 month old. When their baby was announced I should have been snuggling my baby. They live pretty far away so I can't actually see the baby right now except in pictures. I was actually there for the birth of their first baby though. These feelings are slightly compounded by the fact that my friend wasn't really there for me during the first loss. I still haven't quite figured it all out and I'm working on forgiving her for good. She's really tried to be there for me this time and she has apologized. So on top of my sadness there is also kind of a twinge of crankiness. Does that make sense? Ugh. It's so hard to describe this and sound sane. So I tried to explain to someone how I was feeling. The person I tried to explain it to was having a bad day herself. She says "Well I thought you were happy for them" in a sort of snappy tone. I started to cry and she apologized. She felt really bad about it. She actually reads this blog so I do want you to know that I'm not mad :)! I get that she was having a bad day and that it was more about the bad day than me! So even though the feelings are really separate in theory, it's kind of hard to sort them out in practice. Are there any other mom's of lost babies that know what I mean here or am I just being a selfish jerk??