This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Friday, October 21, 2011


Yep, I've been absent for a while haven't I? I've been seeing a counselor and I think that takes away some of my urge to blog. I mull over my problems with her. She's doing a great job helping me reframe things, but I'm still pretty much in the same place emotionally. No big breakthroughs or anything. This month sucks. So here we are. Month 2 of TTC for the 3rd time. It is probably not going to happen this month. Poor J has been very sick. It's so hard for me to reconcile the fact that it's okay that he's sick and I feel bad for him, with the fact that it screws up our chance at TTC this month. I'm not at all mad at him, although I think he has a hard time understanding that. I'm just disappointed in the process. It sucks. Five days give or take per month that it's possible to get pregnant (in terms of how long sperm lives, etc..., we all know technically there is only one day the egg is released, but you know what I mean right?)? So if someone is sick for those 5 days you are pretty much out for the month and have to wait a cycle. There is a slim, slim chance because I did talk him into BD one day when he was feeling a tiny bit better. But then I felt like a raper almost. I know that sounds awful, but he wasn't into it and you know he was just doing it for me. It made me feel awful.....but I did it anyway. Does that make me a horrible person? I wanted this month not to be an entire waste. I needed to say we at least tried. It makes me feel better. I'm so obsessive aren't I? I think I'm 1dpo today. So 10-12ish days of waiting and then on to another cycle most likely. I'm not to keen on getting my BFP next month, but there's no way I'm sitting it out. November is when we got pregnant with Bear and our due dates and milestones would be similar. I'm not sure how I would deal with that.

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