This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Crash

This is one of those things that I think only people who have lost a baby can get. I mean maybe you say you get it, or can at least sort of see what I'm feeling, but I think it might be hard to understand. So if you haven't lost a baby please read this with only compassion in your heart :-)! So anyway. My best friend had a baby today. I have known her C-section was booked for today. I've talked to her about it and I was prepared for the baby to get here. Yes I'm 100% excited and happy for them. The problem is that it creates sadness in me too. It breaks my heart and makes me want to scream and yell and throw things against a wall. So these conflicting emotions are really hard for some people to get. But you have to see the separation here. My happiness is for them. I'm thrilled their baby arrived safe and sound. The sadness is only for me. It's not about them. It's not about the baby. It's about my loss and my sadness that right now I should have a 2 month old. When their baby was announced I should have been snuggling my baby. They live pretty far away so I can't actually see the baby right now except in pictures. I was actually there for the birth of their first baby though. These feelings are slightly compounded by the fact that my friend wasn't really there for me during the first loss. I still haven't quite figured it all out and I'm working on forgiving her for good. She's really tried to be there for me this time and she has apologized. So on top of my sadness there is also kind of a twinge of crankiness. Does that make sense? Ugh. It's so hard to describe this and sound sane. So I tried to explain to someone how I was feeling. The person I tried to explain it to was having a bad day herself. She says "Well I thought you were happy for them" in a sort of snappy tone. I started to cry and she apologized. She felt really bad about it. She actually reads this blog so I do want you to know that I'm not mad :)! I get that she was having a bad day and that it was more about the bad day than me! So even though the feelings are really separate in theory, it's kind of hard to sort them out in practice. Are there any other mom's of lost babies that know what I mean here or am I just being a selfish jerk??
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3 comments:

  1. *Lauren*September 27, 2011 at 4:40 PM

    I know the feeling all too well!! My sister-in-law had her son a few weeks after we lost Joshua, and I couldn't go to the hospital or look at pictures. I couldn't look at that baby for months. For me, I was extremely jealous that this young 19 year old party girl could have two perfectly healthy babies while I had lost both of my sons. I was so bitter and even my husband didn't completely understand it. It's not that I wanted anything bad to happen to her or her baby, but it hurt to see her have what I couldn't have. Sorry, I wrote a book, but I just want you to know that you are not alone in how you are feeling. It's such a tough situation. I just took it day by day, and finally,I got to a point where I could handle my mixture of emotions better. I hope that you are able to do the same...just know that it may take some time. Don't push yourself or stress out over it, though! Thinking about you!!

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  2. KatieSeptember 28, 2011 at 6:30 AM

    I totally get it. I was 9 weeks ahead of a friend of mine. I should have a 9 week old - she has a 3 week old now. I keep making plans to see the baby, and then cancel. I don't know if I can hold a newborn yet.

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  3. KatieOctober 20, 2011 at 5:32 PM

    Checking in. How are you?

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