I almost flipped out on someone yesterday. I didn't. Thank goodness. I can still control myself.
So anyway, I wrote something on my Facebook about how life has been crappy and I'm choosing to focus on the things I'm thankful for and I wrote how I was thankful for the sweet robin's nest outside my front door. Well a bunch of people commented on my status and some seemed positive about the idea and some told me to take a deep breath and my very favorite said this:
"things will look up for ya soon i'm sure......everything happens for a reason sometimes its hard to understand and sometimes you don't know the reason for years but one day it just hits you why something happened or what it taught you......keep pushin through and stay positive...."
Umm....I seriously wanted to punch her in the face. Now first of all, I do understand that she isn't ill intentioned. For me intentions are huge. If you don't mean to hurt someones feeling's, but you do, it does make a difference if you intended to or not. Make sense? So I don't want to lash out at her. I know she meant well. That still doesn't change the fact that it bothered me.
But I just HATE those "everything happens for a reason" people. Seriously? I'm almost 9 weeks out from losing my baby. I still don't think there is a valid reason that this happened. I believe life is random. It's a random series of coincidences and choices that we make. This wasn't some predeterimed decision....this wasn't "God", it just happened. Shit happens.
Let's say she's right and it happened for a reason. What possible reason is there for taking a baby from a mom? What possible reason is there for making a baby that isn't going to live? What reason is there for giving children Down Syndrome? Moving on from me, what possible reason is there for there to be abuse in the world? For mom's to kill their own children? For drunk drivers to kill people that are loved? There are no reasons. It's just shit that happens. Ugh.
Okay. Whew...I got that out. Now I'm less likely to go ballistic on Facebook. Hah.
Moving on. I wish I could shake this depression. It's kind of getting worse and not better. I chalked it up to menstraul hormones for a few days, but now that it's over I can't do that. I feel like my head is enclosed in a fog. I can't break out of the fog. Yesterday was gorgeous and I sat outside for a while and did some yard work. The whole time I wasn't really engaged in it. I just moved through the motions. Even now sitting here, I have to work really hard to find the motivation to write this. How do I clear the fog? Time? Medication? I'm not sure. It seems like plenty of time has passed. Oh well. I'll just keep trucking along and see what happens. I did make a commitment to seek medical help if this last two more months. So at the 4 month mark from when I lost Bear, if I'm not mostly feeling better I'll go see someone.