I'm pretty overwhelmed right now. I'm tired of real life. I'm tired of feeling sad. I'm tired of feeling everything. I'm just overwhelmed. I'm still crying everyday. Not always about Bear. In fact today at 7:28a.m., I've cried twice already. Once because of the stupid lady that killed her 3 children (more on that later) and once because of being frustrated with my husband. I don't cry that much everyday by 7:28a.m., but it's not unheard of.
I'm scared I'll get fired from my work because sometimes I have a hard time focusing. I mean I'm getting my job done (barely), but I'm not going above and beyond that's for sure. It's like I'm supposed to be back to normal and do everything just like I did before. The same goes for everything. I'm taking two graduate level classes and I'm pretty much just doing the bare minimum at this point. I used to be so anal retentive about getting an A. Now I barely care if I pass. Pretty sad. I mean I guess I care, but honestly I don't care if I get a B or a C. As long as I don't have to retake the course who cares. I'm really realizing what's important in life. And now that I'm realizing, I feel like I have little tolerance for crap. J and I have now started fighting a lot. I get frustrated because he is "back to normal." I am not back to normal. I don't want to be back to normal. I want to know my life has changed. I don't want to fall back into old patterns and habits. I think that just totally invalidates Bear's life. It pisses me off. Not to mention, I'm sure he's seeking a bit of attention from me since I am a bit distant and off these days. So I get frustrated by the attention seeking and I lash out. Yeah. Awesome.
Okay so back to the lady that killed her kids. I read that story this morning and flipped out. Here is a link:
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/04/12/national/main20053385.shtml
Yeah. Seriously? So this lady is so depressed or upset or whatever that she drives herself and her four kids into a river? WTF? I get the whole depressed thing. I'm depressed now. I get thinking it might be better for it all to be over rather than go on with your life. I get it. But to kill your 3 kids in the process? I don't get. In fact it pisses me off so much I wish I could beat the crap out of that lady. Oh wait...she's dead...right. So the universe doesn't deem me worthy of living children right now, but that lady got FOUR??? FOUR kids? That she killed (3 of them anyway)? One got away. Luckily little guy. I'm so happy for him. I hope he survives all this intact. How screwed up is that? You have to live knowing your mom tried to kill you? I thought I had a shitty childhood, but this kid's story will definitely trump mine.
I just don't understand anything. I used to believe in some sort of fate in the universe. Some sort of sense. Not so much God, as I don't have much faith in the religious systems, but more like a plan. Yeah, like the Universe has some sort of cosmic plan for us and it all will make sense. Everything happens for some sort of cosmic reason. Now? I think that's a load of crap. What reason could there be for this lady to kill her kids while mine dies? Screw that. Life is just fucking random. There is no rhyme or reason. Shit just happens. I think Forrest Gump had it right.
Amy,
ReplyDeleteWhen I read the story about the lady who killed her kids, I almost vomited. To make it worse, the boy who survived feels guilty that he didn't teach his other siblings how to swim. He's a little boy with survivers guilt and I hurt for him.
As far as being normal....this is what I have learned: this is our new normal....and yea, it sucks...
We both have to live a new life that not only has our child missing, but, the rage and anger we feel when we see/hear other people harm, neglect or mistreat their kids. We have a new normal that makes us not want to get up sometimes or makes us cry for no reason. We have a new normal that will never feel normal at all....if that makes any sense...
I don't know why things happen. But, there was something I read on a website that kind of makes sense: "There wasn't a reason for his death, but there is a purpose for his life".
Bear had a purpose. Filomena had a purpose. While you and I both struggle to figure that out there is a world around us that has completely moved on in every way. Just remember that we dont' have to move from the place we're in until we're ready.
Hugs!!