My moods have shifted from pure grief and sadness to a revolving door of anger, sadness, happiness, and pure apathy. It's so hard to be on this emotional roller coaster. One day I'm perfectly fine--smiling at people and feeling generally okay. The next day I'm a complete bitch and lash out at anyone that attempts to talk to me. I don't know if this is hormones, or just pure grief. It's quite annoying. Especially to those who love me and live with me. Okay...well since only one person lives with me I'll just be honest and admit I've been a bitch to my husband. And sometimes other people. Like today someone was tailgating me as I made my way back from a doctor's appointment. I got angry. So I slowed down. Way down. It made me feel better. Not to mention the screaming rages I may or may not have at my home. Yep. Seriously.
I feel like I'm in a waiting game now. I'm obviously still grieving and plan to for some time. (Like you can plan those things..what am I thinking). But I'm also waiting for my body to get back on track. Today is 4 weeks since the D & E. The doctors say your period can show up on average 4-6 weeks after the D & E. Although they made sure to share with me it's not unheard of for it to take 8 to 12 weeks. So I'm waiting. Waiting for my period. I think some of my craziness might be due to these fluctuating hormones attempting to get back to normal. So on many levels my period would be a much wanted occurrence. I could start counting down cycles until we can conceive again. I could start counting on my "normal" hormones to kick in and not be concerned about being crazy all the time. I could be assured that my body is actually working like it should and didn't suffer any damage post D & E. So while my period has never been my favorite thing...it's suddenly taken on some importance in my life. It's weird to be wanting it to show up.
I've decided to start trying to lose some weight. I was a little heavier than I would like when I got pregnant. I had suffered from plantar fasciitis for about a year (it still isn't better), which hindered my ability to be active. I put on about 20-30 pounds more than I would prefer. So now that I'm unpregnant I think I'll put some focus on taking care of my health while waiting to be ready to conceive again. I should have a good 6-12 weeks before that occurs so that's plenty of time to lose a few pounds and maybe feel better about my weight. I guess if I don't get pregnant right away I'll have ages and ages to lose weight. I can't even think about that. It stresses me out.