All this time I've called the baby a boy. I really had no idea. It was just a gender I assigned and felt comfortable with. To me the baby was a boy. In a regular pregnancy I would have found out for sure and then altered my perception if my made up gender turned out to be wrong. Since we lost the baby he has still been a boy to me. I've used "he" in all my posts here as well as in all my talking about him.
Well I got my answer today. The Doctor who did the D & E called with results. Bear was really a boy. I was right. Finally something I can feel good about. I did know the sex of my baby. I'm so happy that it was right.
Next up, genetic testing. Bear had Down's Syndrome. That is why he didn't make it. All of my questioning of the things I had done wrong in the pregnancy were moot. Bear's condition was predetermined at conception. Age related? Maybe. Statistics? Maybe. Bad Luck? For freaking sure.
I'm happy to have answers. I'm happy to know for sure. I feel better about having a definitive answer of Down's Syndrome than I would feel if the genetics had come back normal. It's nice to have a specific reason this happened.
On the other hand...why me? Of all the people why did this happen to me? Why does it happen to anyone? Is it because I'm old? WHY???