This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


I signed up for those emails that send you what week you are. Today I received my "24 Week" email. I went to the website and asked to be taken off their mailing list. I also clicked on the unsubscribe button on the email. I'm still getting them. WTH?

Here is what the email says:

Hello, Amy!
Your baby's growing steadily, having gained about 4 ounces since last week. That puts him at just over a pound. Since he's almost a foot long (picture an ear of corn), he cuts a pretty lean figure at this point, but his body is filling out proportionally and he'll soon start to plump up. His brain is also growing quickly now, and his taste buds are continuing to develop. His lungs are developing "branches" of the respiratory "tree" as well as cells that produce surfactant, a substance that will help his air sacs inflate once he hits the outside world. His skin is still thin and translucent, but that will start to change soon.

Nice huh? Just what a woman who lost her baby wants to see. Yes, I want to read all about how my baby is growing.....(insert sarcasm here). They should definitely make it easier to unsubscribe from those emails. I just went and tried to unsubscribe again and all the boxes I had unclicked to try to unsubscribe in the past were clicked again. So I did it once more. Why on earth do they make it so hard to unsubscribe?

Yes, the email is painful. I am actually starting to heal. 5 weeks since the D & E. It depends on the day, but I'm doing okay. Yesterday I had a bad day. I sometimes have days where I just can't get engaged in life. I was tired and just didn't care to take part in anything going on around me. I was useless at work and useless at home. I basically did nothing. Not a good day. Today seems like a better day. It just depends. But overall, there are probably more okay days than not.

I so just want to be pregnant. I want a swelling belly and all of the joy that brings. I want to know that in so many weeks I'll get the baby and all of the wonderful stuff that goes along with it. I want a baby shower and people making comments about my huge belly. Why is that so much to ask?

Technically I can start trying in about 5 weeks. 4ish weeks until my next period and then a week or two until ovulation. J is still not convinced we should start trying so soon. I'm scared it will take us longer than a month to get pregnant this time and that will be another stress for me. It seriously only took us one try to get pregnant last time. Obviously that didn't make me quite as lucky as I thought. It was the wrong month I guess. I'm not really sure how that works. It seems like it's the egg that is released that has the abnormalities usually. So in that one month the egg I released was bad. So now my odds are 1 in 100 for this happening again. I'm trying to figure out if that means that 1 in 100 women who have a baby after having one with a chromosome issue will have another issue. Or if it means that 1 in 100 times that I release an egg there will be an issue. Or is it all the same thing? Hmm...not sure.

I am very scared for it to happen again. I really don't think I would survive it mentally. I'm really struggling with all of the testing options now. Should I get the 11 week CVS just so I can have peace of mind? Should we forgo all testing and just pretend everything will be fine? Who knows. I'm leaning towards testing though. I just worry about the miscarriage rate. As badly as I want a baby I can't imagine putting the baby in any danger. But I also can't imagine carrying a baby to 19 weeks again without knowing anything is wrong. I would rather be prepared.

I've been in the situation several times where people don't know what's happened. Monday night I was at a banquet and the woman sitting next to me asked when I was due. I assume she had heard it through the grapevine and not that I was just really fat LOL. I had to explain to her that I had lost the baby. She shared with me that her sister had lost 3 babies late in her pregnancies and she knew how painful it was. I find that is one of the hardest things to deal with. People who don't know what happened. It's definitely hard to have to explain.

I'm kind of just rambling today. Now I'm moving on to what to do about telling people next time we get pregnant. I think I'll hold off until people just guess. I'll wait until I'm pretty big. The problem with that is that last time I started to show really early. At 11 weeks I had people asking me about my pregnancy. I'm not a small girl by any means, but I'm fit and muscular. I think my stomach just popped out really quickly. Looking at those later photos of my belly with Bear, I was definitely noticably pregnant. I mean if you didn't know me you might think I was just fat, but probably would have suspicions I was pregnant. I've heard that with your second you start showing even more quickly because your uterus knows what to do and pops out earlier. So yea, I don't plan on making a big announcement. I plan on it just sort of being figured out by people. Other than my close family of course. I'll tell them after the 12 weeks is up. It's so sad that you have to do this though. That the pregnancy won't be as fun and exciting. It's really tragic.

I miss Bear so much.

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