Time seems to be passing fairly quickly for me. It's been 6 week since I had the D & E today. I can't believe it's been that long. The really raw pain has definitely subsided, but now I've fallen into just a dull depression kind of pain. It's hard to describe. The raw pain was almost easier in a way. I could cry, get angry, yell, stay in bed all day etc. This dull depression is much harder. For example, last night I got home from work around 4p.m. I had no motivation to do anything. So I went to bed. I stayed there pretty much all night. I bought a new Kindle Book for my Ipod and I read. Until about 9:30 when I actually tried to go to sleep. I seriously stayed in bed from 4p.m. to 5:45a.m. More than 12 hours. I also have trouble focusing at work, at home and with others. I think of something I need to do and then two days later I remember that I didn't do it. Not a good thing when trying to keep a job you are already worried about losing. I work on a college campus and money is really tight. We are definitely facing budget cuts and loss of jobs. I'm not being targeting at this time, but if anyone knew how lethargic I was at my workplace it might be an issue. People do understand what's going on with me, but how long will they put up with it?
I really found it easier when I was crying all the time and barely able to leave the house. Now that I've rejoined the real world it's just harder. I think part of it is my inability to be in the real world and the other part is what people expect of me. Don't get me wrong, I do have real moments of joy. But, mostly I have real moments of apathy. To everything.
All of this worries me because we are talking about trying again. I thought I would be ready. J asked me last night when my period would come again so we could start trying after. I was kind of vague with him. I want to try, I need to try, but I know I'm probably not emotionally ready. I think I probably will try even if I'm not ready. What if it takes months to get pregnant? What if I'm just getting too old? What if this next month is the ONE good egg I have left? It's just too scary to wait even though I might not actually be ready.
I'm so frustrated. People are having babies all around me. My best friend is pregnant with her second, a former employee of mine is due any day, someone very close to me is attempting to get pregnant, and plenty of my FB friends are pregnant. I'm faced with the happiness of others about their pregnancy many times a day. I actually am dealing with that part of it pretty well. But it still makes me ache. I should be 25 weeks pregnant with only 15 weeks to go. I don't want to have to start trying again, have a two week wait until we can pee on a stick, then once we find out go through all of the weeks again. Ugh. It's exhausting just to think about. And then imagining another loss breaks my heart. I seriously don't think I would survive it. Maybe I would physically survive it, but I'm not sure my emotional state could handle it. I'm not sure I would ever be able to try again. Some people experience many losses and just keep trying. I guess you have to weigh your want for a baby against your pain at losing one.
Well, let's see if I can get through the day. Here we go.