This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Miscarriage #2

Yep. That's right. I had another miscarriage. J and I found out we were expecting again on July 13th. We were on vacation and were climbing the highest mountains in New York, Vermont and Maine. We had already climbed Mount Marcy in New York and took a gondola to the top of Mount Mansfield in Vermont and were staying in a hotel in Bangor Maine on our way to the highest mountain in Maine. I brought some cheap internet HPTs with me to test with on vacation since I knew it would be within my testing period.

The morning of July 13th I got up and used first morning urine to test. There was a faint line on my Wondofo test strip. I got excited and took another one. Same faint line. So I woke J up and asked him if he saw a line. He said he did sort of. So it was only about 5a.m. at this time. I waited until 9 (impatiently) to run to a drugstore and get 2 more tests. I got myself an FRER (the gold standard of early tests) and a digital (love seeing the word "pregnant"). Well guess what??? They were both negative. I was 10dpo at this time. We weren't sure what to think. So we decided to let it go and test again.

The next day we were at a campground in Baxter State Park in Maine. When I woke up in the morning I went over to the outhouse and took a Wondofo and a FRER. Both had double lines! I woke J up and showed him. He says "oh so does this mean we aren't pregnant?". I don't think he could see the 2nd line. So I pointed the line out to him and he finally got it. So yep. Pregnant.

That day our plan was to hike Mount Katahdin, the highest mountain in Maine. J wondered if I wanted to just stay at the campsite and skip the climbing. I told him that at this point in a pregnancy it will either stick or not and there was nothing I could do to change it. I decided to go hiking. We hiked the mountain and it was very strenuous!

Fast forward a few weeks to last week. August 3rd. We had our very first doctor's appointment at 6 weeks 1 day. I wanted to go early so we could start discussing early testing options like CVS. The doctor gave me a pelvic exam and determined that my uterus was growing like it should. He did not give us an ultrasound saying that it was too early (which irritated me because last time we had an ultrasound that early...why can't doctors be consistent?).

So Thursday, August 4th we were in Cornell brining our dog up there for surgery. After we dropped her off we stopped somewhere for lunch. I headed into the bathroom before ordering and immediately noticed blood on the TP when I wiped. It was kind of pinkish. I ran out of the bathroom and out of the restaurant with J following me. I started to cry and he knew immediately that something was wrong with the pregnancy. We got in the car and I put in a call to my OB/GYN. They were busy so the secretary said she would have them call me back.

That night the OB/GYN did not call me back. The next day the bleeding was still only slight spotting on the TP,and none on a pad. So I tried calling the doctor again and let them know I was a bit irritated that they hadn't returned my call yesterday. The nurse said that her report said I was going to the ER so they weren't worried about me. I was doubly upset because that wasn't the case. She checked with the doctor and they agreed to let us come in for an ultrasound that day.

We saw the doctor Friday morning 8/4 at about 10:30 a.m. When he did the ultrasound we could immediately tell that it didn't look right. There was only a tiny, little sac and the doctor said it was measuring about 5 weeks-no embryo or anything else visible. He talked about how maybe our dates were off and I informed him that I had been charting and knew exactly when I ovulated. He stated that it was mostly likely a miscarriage then. He was going on vacation the next week and scheduled me an ultrasound in one week with a different doctor. He didn't really give me any more info about what it might be like if I miscarried naturally. He did say something about going to the ER if the bleeding or cramping got bad and the ER would help us manage the micarriage. That was the extent of the advice.

So I left his office feeling really awful. J and I were once again broken. Life just won't give us a break. Our dog was in the hospital and we learn our 2nd baby is gone just like the first. We were once again reminded how badly life sucks.

That weekend I continued to bleed lighly, mostly on TP when I wiped. But on Sunday the bleeding started to intensify and started to seep onto a pad. By Monday I was bleeding heavily and in a great deal of pain. Monday afternoon I was sitting in the bathroom for hours at a time while I bled. J started to get worried and decided we needed to go to the ER. So we made the trip up to the hospital where our OB is at (it's about an hour and 15 minutes away). At the ER they did absolutely nothing. We were there for 4 hours. When we finally saw a doctor he said that my bloodwork came back fine. I wasn't anemic and my blood count was normal. He said that the pain was normal and he really wouldn't perscribe anything for it. He was a very compassionate doctor though and shared with us his story of 5 losses.

So we went home that night and I went to bed. The next day, Tuesday, the pain was even worse and the bleeding was awful. I hurt so bad that I was crying and throwing up while sitting on the toilet. J had no idea what to do for me. Later that afternoon the pain subsided a little bit and I was able to sleep for a while. During that episode I called the OB/GYN office and begged them to perscribe me something, as well as my primary care doctor. I was so pissed off that none of them bothered to call me back. Then the next day the OB/GYN called me back and said they would perscribe me some vicodin even though after I described what I had been through, they felt the worst was over. So I went to pick up the vicodin and there were 2 different perscriptions for it because the OB/GYN sent some and my primary care doctor sent some--but hadn't informed me.

I'm just so pissed off about not only the miscarriage, but also about the treatment I've received from the medical community. At the same time we were dealing with this miscarriage we were also dealing with our dog being hurt. Her doctors at Cornell called us 2 and 3 times a day. They made sure we knew what was going on, they kept us informed. While my doctor barely gave a shit that I was in so much pain I was throwing up. What the hell is wrong with this world that veterinary care is better than human care? It really pisses me off.

So what we thought would be our rainbow baby ended up being lost baby #2.


  1. I am so so so so so sorry. So sorry for the loss, the physical pain, the emotional pain, and the shit doctors you had to endure while going through this. Sending HUGE hugs (even though they are from a stranger) from Chicago.

  2. When I started miscarrying, my dr wasn't available and I saw a different dr in the practice. He told me that everything was fine and to go home,even though I was in so much pain I could hardly move! I got no medicine for the 2 weeks that I could barely function. I had to go in every 3 day for blood tests and such but no one cared that it hurt. It's been a month since the miscarriage started and I'm JUST NOW at zero hcg. Natural miscarriage is very hard. My body still doesn't feel normal and I can remember vividly feeling like death because of the cramps/contractions/whatever the hell that pain is.. and the sac coming out. It'd have been nice to have a medical person tell me what to expect and help with the pain.

    I am so sorry that you are going through this again. *hug(

  3. I'm so sorry for your loss :( It's just not fair! I can't believe that your doctor's office treated you like that. That's awful, and I know that it just worsens the blow of your loss. It really sucks going through a loss over again, especially so soon. I hope that you're able to find some peace with all that you're going through and have been through.

    Again, I'm so so so sorry for your loss :( *hugs*

  4. I am truly sorry for your loss and I understand your grief. I suffered two miscarriages (one first trimester, one second)and know it seems almost unreal, and just cruel. Please don't lose faith, don't give up on being a parent. There are lots of ways to become a parent. I pray that God gives you and your family strength and courage and comfort.

  5. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's tough losing a baby. :( Thoughts and prayers for you and your hubby.

  6. Thanks everyone for the support. It helps to know that others are out there and know how it feels!