This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


My emotions are out of control. I find myself in a full on rage one moment, crying hysterically the next and so on. It's not good. This weekend was one crappy emotion after another. And oddly enough, I actually had a pretty good weekend.

I went camping with pretty much my entire family this weekend and had a lot of fun. The problem for me is that we are TTC and I have some needs in conjunction with that. Try peeing in a cup in a public bathroom and then waiting 5 minutes for the results of the OPK tests. That was a challenge. And how about trying to BD in a tent with other people 2 feet away (not in the same tent obviously...but in a camper 2 feet away)? Not happening LOL. So I got angry about it and was fighting with J. And it wasn't even his fault.

So anyway we went camping Friday and Saturday. Guess when I got a + opk? That's right, Saturday. So J started drinking and started intentionally pushing my buttons. So I started to get irritated. Like really irritated. I was trying to find a way to get us out of there so we could BD because we had the + opk and he was having fun. On the one hand I wanted him to have fun, on the other hand I wanted him to be as single minded as I am about getting pregnant. Needless to say I didn't get my BD that night and was pissed at him. Like full of rage pissed. Then the next day I POAS at home and had another positive. Then I felt like a complete ass. But it still would have been good to get some BD in the day before because I ovulated on the day of that second + I think. Oh well. I guess it will happen when it happens.

The last 2 months my changes were "High" on Fertility Friend's Pregnancy analyzer. This month when I go in and add a temp tomorrow to make me 3DPO it gives me only "Good" odds instead of high. Well I guess good odds are better than none right?

I also found out that a girl in my family (kind of extended family) that had an early loss at the same time as me is now 12 weeks pregnant. I started crying and tried to hide it when I was told. Then when we left from camping I cried the whole way home and for about 2 hours after. I was just so angry, sad, frustrated, and emotional. It was hard being around so many kids I love and just wanting my own so bad. There were also tons of cute little kids all over that campground. It was just really hard for me. Poor J had a hard time dealing with me between all of my crazy emotional outbursts. During my crazy outbursts he admitted to me that he was feeling a little pressure from me and was worried he wouldn't be able to deliver and that I would get mad. It was really honest of him to share with me and I felt bad because he was right. I'm so single minded about this and I don't know how to chill out. I just want this so bad.

I'm finding that wanting something I can't control is very anxiety provoking for me. I can usually control everything in my life. I can't control this. All the temping and peeing on a stick isn't control. It's just a way to try to control something that is uncontrollable. This is month 3 of TTC. After 6 months if we don't get our BFP I'm going to make an appointment with a doctor. Especially because we are charting and timing things right. This month we even tried to do a little less BDing because I was worried maybe we were doing it too much and wasting good baby making materials LOL. So I tried to chill and let it be okay that we missed a day or two. But then when I got that +opk and we missed a day I flipped out. Yeah...I'm crazy.

I'm not sure how much longer to let this go before I get some help with it. It's really hard to see a counselor because I live in a really rural area and I have to drive at least 20 minutes, but more like 45 minutes probably to go see someone. It's just hard to work that into my schedule. And as for meds, like an anti-depressent or something, I would just worry that it would interfere with getting pregnant. I barely allow myself to take allergy meds even though I'm sneezing up a storm because of the affect they might have on my cervical mucus.

I just don't understand why it happened so fast last time and why it's taking time this time. I don't understand why the universe deems it okay to give kids to moms who don't even want them. I don't understand why this baby would be the most loved and wanted baby and it isn't happening.

I'm so tired of this TTC thing already and it's only month 3. I hate it. I want so bad to be pregnant. I hate that right now I should be 37 weeks pregnant. I know that as I get closer to my due date I'll just get worse and worse probably. I just don't understand why this is all happening to me.


  1. I'm a stranger but I wanted to let you know I think about you every day and am sending all the positive thoughts I can.


  2. I've been thinking about you since I found this blog via BC a while back. My baby was due to arrive on Wednesday, the last 2 days have been bad - the next 2 are going to be worse. We're finally TTC now - 5 months after the m/c. Hope this the month for both of us :)