Inefficient

So I had my 2 week post D & E follow up yesterday with my normal Ob/gyn. It was really emotional to go back to that office where I had all of my appointments when I was pregnant with Bear. As we were waiting in the waiting room, I was giving myself a "you can do this" pep talk. I just kept muttering it under my breath as a way to steady and calm myself. As we were sitting there, a nursery song started playing over the PA. At the hospital that is a way to signal that a baby was born. I lost it. I started sobbing in the waiting room. Not a pretty sight. I did eventually get it together though.

When we were called in for our appointment our nurse (same girl we always see) asked how I was doing and how everything was. I sensed that something was off the second I saw her. Then she took my weight, took a urine sample and sat us in the exam room. She said "is there anything new going on." I told her "no" and was really confused--she really didn't seem to know I wasn't pregnant. She stepped out to take a phone call and I looked and J and told him that I didn't think she knew that we lost the baby. She came back in and said to me "Is everything okay? You don't seem very happy" or something like that. I started to cry and asked her if she knew we had lost the baby. She was completely surprised. She hadn't known and I think she thought I was being cranky with her. She said that she bet that it must have been really hard and she gave me a big hug. She had to switch the room we were in because we were in a room meant for a pregnancy checkup and not an ob/gyn appointment.

In our new room I had to strip down and sit on the table. We sat there for ages like that waiting for the doctor to arrive. When he finally came in he asked how we were doing and apologized for not communicating our loss to his nurse.

The exam seemed to go okay. He said everything was back to normal physically and I seemed to be healing okay. He talked with us about the pregnancy, future pregnancies and how we would proceed. It felt to me like he was being a little defensive with us about everything, but that might have been just my perception and not a reality. I don't blame them for anything that happened, but I was really interested in how we would proceed in a future pregnancy. He just kept using the word "inefficient." Seriously. Weird huh? He said "Pregnancy is just an inefficient thing." He told us stories of others he is currently seeing with babies with issues. Most of the issues weren't age-related....apparently just mine (more on age-related later). Ugh. Inefficient. It's awesome being told that your baby didn't make it because pregnancy is "inefficient."

He urged us to be optimistic and to just look at a new pregnancy as a new start and not try to associate all of the pain of the first pregnancy with a new one. He said it would be a completely separate occurrence and odds are that it will turn out just fine. J and I had talked about getting a new doctor for a future pregnancy. Honestly, I think I'll just stick with this doctor though. I don't think it really makes much difference. Plus each time I have to change doctors I go through a whole new anxiety of people checking out my hoo-ha..ya know?

I did hear the words "Age-related" much more than I would have preferred. I feel like I'm being punished for waiting to start my family. I waited until I was married, financially secure and 100% ready for children. It's not fair that I'm ready and in this situation. So if I had gotten knocked up in my teens or early twenties and wasn't ready it would have been a piece of cake. I may have been a horrible mom to a child at that point in my life, but my body was ready. It's just not fair. Such a stupid thing to say huh? It's not fair? Since when is life fair?

I wanted to write about my follow up while it was fresh in my mind. I still need to process how the different people in my life have dealt with our loss and the things they said. Hopefully I can get to that in my next post.

Moral of this post though? Pregnancy is inefficient. I waited too long to start my family. And...Life isn't fair!