This blog was started as a way to work through the grief of losing my baby March 9, 2011. I found reading stories of other women comforting while I've been going through this and hope that I can help anyone else experiencing the same thing.

Thursday, March 31, 2011


I wish I were one of those people that slept a lot when depressed. Instead I'm one of those people that doesn't sleep at all. I've been getting an average of 4 hours of sleep a night. I'm exhausted. I'm cranky. I'm hating it. I used to love my 8 to 10 hours of sleep per night. I kind of tossed and turned a bit and woke up to go to the bathroom, but I operate best on a good solid 8 hours of sleep. My pattern before losing Bear was to go to bed around 9 to 10 and get up around 6 to 7. I didn't sleep in, I just like to go to bed early and get up earlyish.

Now, I just can't sleep. I go to bed at 9:30 or 10:00. Then I think and I think and I think and I can't stop thinking. I can't turn off my mind. Sometimes it's about Bear. Sometimes it's not. I look at the clock. I see that it's turned into 11p.m. then I think some more. Oh and did I mention I get a bit cranky because J is snoring away next to me? His head hits the pillow and he is out. No lag time there. I look at the clock's midnight. Then I look at the clock again and I must have drifted off because now it's 4a.m. Then I stay up until it's time for J to get up. Then I fall back asleep and get cranky when he wants to say goodbye to me.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I be one of those people that gets depressed and sleeps? I want to be one of those people. I hate being tired and cranky. I hate not having the energy to clean the house or make the bed. I want my energy back. Maybe that's a whole separate issue. Maybe that's part of the depression and not part of the sleep issue. Who knows. All I know is that I'm tired, cranky and I miss my baby.

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