Of course I ask myself why this happened. I do it all the time. Every day. Every time I think of it. Why did this happen? Why did this happen to me? What did I do wrong?
The doctor said it seemed to be a genetic anomaly. A "lightning strike" kind of thing. The doctor said that there wasn't anything I could have done to prevent it. He explained that when the sperm and the egg met they just didn't divide right. It was predetermined way back in November when we conceived. So all that time I was so happy about being pregnant and carrying my sweet baby, it had already been predetermined that he would die.
I feel like shouting a big "FUCK YOU" at the universe for that one. Seriously? Like I'm such a bad person I don't deserve a baby--or at least that particular baby? I've been a good aunt to my nephews and nieces. I've been a good cousin (but more like an aunt) to some of the younger cousins that I'm close to. I've been a good stand in aunt to the children of my friends. Not only that, but I'm a reasonably good person. I don't lie, cheat, steal or treat people poorly. Why did this happen to me? Not only don't I lie, cheat, steal or treat people poorly, but I waited until I was emotionally and financially ready to have kids. I waited until I was married. I waited until I was 100% sure that is what I wanted in my life. This baby couldn't have been more wanted.
And what about my health? I take care of myself. Yep. I do. I do yoga, I teach aerobics, I eat a vegetarian diet. I don't smoke at all or drink excessively. I don't do drugs or eat a bunch of junk food. Why me?
So on top of the general "why me?" questions I've been asking, I'm also questioning every single thing I did during my pregnancy to see if I could have prevented this. Yes, I totally get that the doctor said it wasn't my fault. Does that stop me from over analyzing every single moment to see if I could have prevented this? No, of course not.
So while I was pregnant, I taught 5-6 aerobics and yoga classes per week. Did I work out too much? I thought I was being healthy and staying active. I was sure that would all help me to have a great labor. Now I question whether or not it was too much. I know plenty of people in the fitness industry that did the same, if not more and had healthy babies. I know of ladies that taught right up until labor. So I just assumed it was okay. The doctor approved my activity level. He said if it's what I had been doing prior to getting pregnant it was no problem. I was just supposed to watch my heart rate and my intensity level. No problem, that's what I do. But now, I question myself constantly if it was just too much. I've given up all of my classes and have no idea when I'll be ready to teach again. I can't put on my happy Zumba face any longer, or my serene yoga face. It's a farce for me at this point.
Was I too stressed out? We had some really bad family stuff go on in early February. The family stuff brought back a lot of things from my childhood and really caused me great emotional pain. I was very upset over it and cried for a few days on and off about it. I was upset enough that J was worried about me. Could my stress have caused problems with the baby? I actually had a doctor's appointment right after all of the family stuff happened and I asked my doctor how much stress like that would affect the baby. He said as isolated incidents it wouldn't cause any problem, but that if I had a chronic problem with depression or anxiety we would need to discuss treatment options. I wasn't chronically depressed; I was just reacting to something going on in my family. Still, I wonder.....
What about sleeping on my belly? Did I do that too late into the pregnancy? I love sleeping on my stomach. My husband kept telling me to stop. I did it anyway. Did I hurt the baby? I had asked the doctor about this. He said when it got uncomfortable to stop doing it. Well, it hadn't gotten uncomfortable yet.
Then, after I go through some of these things, I get angry. Angry at the people who smoke and drink and don't even want their babies. Seriously? I wanted this baby more than anything else in the world and he was taken from me. How many people out there don't take care of themselves while pregnant? Or choose to abort babies they don't really want? Why is it fair that my much loved, much wanted baby was taken from me, while those other women get healthy, happy babies when they don't take care of those babies even when in utero?
Yes, I know this is not productive. I realize it's not helpful. But it is something I need to work through. I know the doctor said that it wasn't my fault. I know he said that it was predetermined at conception. I get that. I still need to work through some of this on my own. At this point we don't even know for sure that it was a chromosome problem. We have to wait for the amnio, autopsy and pathology report. We were told it would be 2-4 weeks for that. Tomorrow will only be 2 weeks since the D & E, so we still might have quite a while to wait for that information. Then what if there isn't a chromosome problem? What if they have no idea? Will I be stuck in this "what did I do wrong?" mentality forever? I am slightly comforted by the fact that it seems like there was something wrong with the baby, and not with me. I have heard stories about women with cervix problems, placenta problems, Rh problems etc. They can't carry the babies because of a problem with their body. I'm comforted to know that my body seems capable of carrying a baby; it's just that the baby wasn't healthy.
I can't believe how much I loved Bear. 19 weeks I got to carry him and love him. I'm grateful for those 19 weeks. I would give anything to go back to day 1 and relive it all just to have those 133 days back--even if it produced the same end result. I never knew how much you could love a baby before it was even born. Now I know how much you can love a baby when they are dead.