Raw

I keep focusing on how I feel. Sometimes when I feel just fine, I'm worried that I'm not sad enough or not grieving long enough. Then other times, when I'm sobbing uncontrollably for hours, I feel like I might be losing my mind.

Yesterday I went with my mom, my sister, and her family to go paint some ceramics. It was my mom's idea. It seemed like it would be fine, and I thought that I could handle it. Well, at the next table over from ours there was a group of about 8 women. Two of them were visibly pregnant. They were talking very loudly about baby names, dates, epidurals etc. As I was painting my project I slowly started to cry. Tears were just streaming down my face. My sister was the only one that noticed and sent her husband out to get a tissue for me. Eventually it was just too much. I had to get up and go outside. I couldn't stop the tears or the sobbing. I had to have a moment to compose myself. I wonder how long it will be like that?

Finally I figured out how I feel though. Raw. Just raw. It's like an open wound that hasn't healed. Maybe it's barely forming a scab. Each and every time I get reminded, whether it's my own thoughts, the words of others etc., the scab that started to form gets ripped off. Raw.

I wonder when the scab will actually just continue to grow and not get ripped off each time I encounter a pregnant woman, or see one of the photos that my many friends are posting on Facebook of their pregnant bellies or brand new babies. How long will it take? When will it end?

One part of me wants it to last forever. I never want to be done greiving my baby. Another part of me wants it to end right this second. I want to be done being sad, and I want to count my blessings and remember how great life is overall. I bet it will be somewhere in between though. I'll grieve forever in my own way, but I'll also move on and enjoy life again.

I am hoping for a baby in my life. We were told we had to wait about three months to try again so that the body (and mind) can heal and my hormones can regulate themselves. I hate that it has to be so long. I'm not getting any younger. Not only that, but other people aren't going to hold off having babies or getting pregnant just because of me. Not that I would want them to either. Just that each one will hurt me. It's so hard to explain that to people. The hurt isn't about them at all. It's only about me. Usually I'm not so selfish, but that's just how it is. The hurt I feel when I see those pregnant bellies, or hear about a new baby, or hear someone is attempting to get pregnant sends a knife stabbing into my heart. It's just about my own personal envy, jealousy, grief...and I'm not sure what else. It's not fair to those people and it's not a very noble feeling. But I'm allowing myself to feel what I feel. It's liberating.

I did live much of my life just having feelings when it was convenient for me. I'm very good at hiding and burying my feelings. I'm a champ at it! I used denial of my feelings as a defense mechanism for a very long time. I think it stems from my childhood. I grew up as the daughter of an abusive alcoholic. Learning to mask my feelings and pretend everything was okay was a solid way to get through the days. Now though, doing that would invalidate the life of that little baby I carried for 19 weeks. I need to feel every single thing that I feel. I need him to know that I grieved him and I need to know that I allowed myself to finally feel exactly what I was feeling when I was feeling it.